Thank You, Edge!

When I started watching wrestling, Edge had just made his debut in the WWE. In a matter of minutes, I was a fan. He had a rock star look to him, yet wasn't this behemoth of a man. He had muscle, but didn't look like your standard bodybuilder that wrestling has been known for. I think this is the reason I gravitated towards him, as I've always been a small kid.

Through the years, I watched him rise to the top. Starting out in the ominous Brood stable, then pairing off with Christian to form one of the best tag teams ever. Their feuds with the likes of the Hardyz and the Dudleyz enthralled me, as well as attracting a few of my friends, as well (hint hint, WWE).

I remember when he and Christian split and he finally started his full singles career on Smackdown. He had already won the Intercontinental Championship on a few occasions, but hadn't quite made a name for himself without the aid of a partner. I remember tuning in every week in hopes that he'd be catapulted into the main event scene. Having matches with The Rock and Chris Jericho, as well as being tag champs with Hulk Hogan, proved that his time was coming.

Then he got injured. He broke his neck and, though he's performed at a top level since, it obviously changed him for the rest of his life. It's an injury that has put so many on the shelf for good. Thankfully, he was able to come back from it.

His return in 2004 was met with huge excitement, only for it to fiddle out. His good guy persona wasn't clicking, neither were most of his matches (his bouts with Orton were great, though). It was time for a change.

When he turned heel in the fall of 2004, a new door swung open for Edge. Just like that, he was catapulted into the main event scene on Raw. Sure, he was still in the occasional midcard feud, but that's to be expected. What matters is that he was mixing it up with the likes of Triple H and Shawn Michaels.

Then, his true moment of glory came at Wrestlemania 21. In the first-ever Money in the Bank Ladder Match, Edge captured the briefcase and guaranteed himself a future title shot. This was his moment to shine.

Some may argue that, up until New Year's Revolution 2006, he didn't do much of note. Sure, his feud with Matt Hardy was raw and captivating, but it wasn't what a future main eventer should be doing. On the contrary, that feud helped elevate Matt Hardy, if only for a brief while. You also have to remember that he was feuding with the likes of Chris Benoit, Ric Flair, Kane and HBK at the time, as well.

Then the moment came. After a long and grueling Elimination Chamber, John Cena seemingly walked out of New Year's Revolution 2006 as the WWE Champion. That is until Edge decided to cash in his Money in the Bank briefcase. A few minutes later and Edge has achieved his dream of being the WWE Champion.

Unfortunately, it didn't last long. A few weeks later, he dropped the title back to Cena at the Royal Rumble. As a huge Edgehead, this was devastating and didn't help that year's lackluster card in the least. It seemed as if Edge was poised to return to the midcard and possibly never smell the main event scene again.

That's not how Edge works. You kick him down, he gets right back up. Despite going into a program with Triple H, Edge made sure that he was on Cena's mind. He reminded him time and time again that he did beat him and would do so once again. He almost did so on an episode of Raw when he invoked his rematch clause, but came up short. He blamed it on the special referee, Mick Foley.

Instead of dropping down the card and working with a midcarder (not that there's anything wrong with that), Edge started a feud with the Hardcore Legend and ended up stealing the show (and the victory) at Wrestlemania 22. It was clear that Edge wasn't going anywhere but back to the top.

Just a few months later, he beat both John Cena and then-WWE Champion Rob Van Dam on Raw to capture his second WWE Championship. This time, he was going to make it last. He plowed through both RVD and Cena throughout the summer, only to lose it at Unforgiven 2006 to John Cena once again in a TLC Match. This time, though, he came out looking like a million bucks.

Despite losing, Edge looked like a main eventer. He gave it his all to the WWE's top star and had to have everything thrown at him to keep him down. He may have gotten out of Cena's focus for a while, but he caught the attention of two other member.

Triple H and Shawn Michaels had recently reformed D-Generation X and were running wild on Raw. Edge and Randy Orton didn't take kindly to this. They put aside their differences and formed a team, known as Rated RKO, and engaged in a blood feud with DX that even saw Ric Flair get into the mix (and then quickly taken out by Rated RKO).

They may have come out on the losing edge (no pun intended), but once again Edge looked like a star. He kept this momentum going and nearly got to face Cena once again for the WWE title, this time at the grandest stage of them all. HBK may have taken that spot instead, but Edge was determined to get back into the title picture.

He had his chance at Wrestlemania 23 when he entered the Money in the Bank Ladder Match, but came up short thanks to Jeff Hardy sending him through a ladder (and I mean that literally). This didn't stop the Rated-R Superstar, as kept his eyes focused on the winner of said match, Mr. Kennedy. When Kennedy was stricken with an injury, Edge swooped in and challenged him to a match with the briefcase on the line. In a matter of minutes, Edge became a two-time Mr. Money in the Bank.

Not wasting any time, he cashed in the following Smackdown on a defenseless Undertaker (who had taken a beating from both Batista and Mark Henry) and became the World Heavyweight Champion. A new accolade for his already impressive resume and a shot in the arm to the Smackdown roster.

With the Deadman out of the picture, Batista entered the fray as the number one contender. He did his best to make Edge's life a living hell, but the tables were turned on the Animal. On three separate occasions, the Rated-R Superstar came out on top over Batista. One of those battles being decided in a steel cage. The other banning Batista from challenging for the gold again as long as Edge was the champion.

As fate would have it, that came sooner, rather than later. Edge had just begun a feud with Kane and was set to defend his title against him at The Great American Bash 2007 when he was stricken with an injury. It was beginning to look like 2002 all over again, as Edge's chance to shine dwindled.

Thankfully, he wasn't out for too long this time. Not only that, but he was determined to come back in a blaze of glory. He did just that as he snuck his way into the Hell in a Cell battle between Batista and the Undertaker and cost the Deadman his chance to become the World Heavyweight Champion.

One month later, he ended Batista's reign at Armageddon 2007 by beating both him and the Undertaker in a triple threat match. He also took Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder under his wing, as well as beginning a relationship with Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero and forming a bond with her nephew, Chavo Guerrero.

Rey Mysterio didn't take too kindly to this and began a feud with Edge. Despite two PPV title matches (Royal Rumble 2008 and No Way Out 2008), Mysterio was unable to capture the World title, leaving Edge to bask in the glory.

It wouldn't last for long, as the Undertaker was named number one contender and finally got the best of Edge at Wrestlemania 24. Even in defeat, Edge looked like a star, as he nearly ended the Deadman's streak (a feat that has yet to be done).

Wrestlemania 24 wasn't the end for Edge, as he continued to use Vickie Guerrero to his advantage and gain multiple title shots. He may have lost his initial rematch at Backlash 2008, but that was only because of Hell's Gate, which was then deemed an illegal choking maneuver. After two month of back and forth action, the two squared off in Edge's specialty, a TLC Match, at One Night Stand 2008, with the Deadman's career on the line. Edge had the dubious honor of ending said career and capturing the World title once again.

He once again fought the Animal Batista (though he never should have challenged him for the gold due to last year's stipulation, but I digress) at Night of Champions 2008 and came out on top once again. The next night on Raw would be his downfall, as an angry Batista would annihilate him. Then, in an ironic twist of fate, CM Punk cashed in his Money in the Bank contract and captured his first World Heavweight Championship (a story for another time).

WWE Champion Triple H had just been drafted to Smackdown, giving Edge the opportunity to hold gold once again. He came up short at The Great American Bash 2008, as his problems with Vickie Guerrero had caused a distraction. He blamed her for the loss, only to eat those words in the coming weeks.

Irate, Vickie rehired the Undertaker and put him in a Hell in a Cell match with Edge at Summerslam 2008. Despite putting up one helluva battle, Edge lost the bout and was banished to hell. He wasn't seen or heard from for three months.

Just like the year prior, Edge made his triumph return at the Survivor Series. He replaced Jeff Hardy to challenge and defeat both Triple H and Vladimir Kozlov for the WWE Championship. Once again, Edge proved why he's the Ultimate Opportunist and to never count him out.

This reign wouldn't last for long, as he lost the belt at Armageddon 2008 a month later to Jeff Hardy, in a match that also involved Triple H. Not to be pushed down, Edge rebounded and won the title back at the Royal Rumble 2009, thanks to an unlikely assist from his former nemesis, Matt Hardy.

As quickly as that reign started, it ended at No Way Out 2009. He was the first eliminated in his Elimination Chamber match, which Triple H ended up winning. He didn't take this lying down, as he inserted himself into the World Heavyweight Elimination Chamber later on and once again captured that title. For two years in a row, he was going to headline Wrestlemania as the champion.

Standing in his way were three huge forces. His longtime rival John Cena, on-again off-again flame Vickie Guerrero and her new love interest and former World Champion The Big Show. A triple threat match between the three men was scheduled for Wrestlemania 25, with John Cena coming out on top once again.

As you can tell by now, Edge wasn't one to stay down for long. He rebounded from his third straight Wrestlemania loss and recaptured the World title from Cena in a Last Man Standing match at Backlash 2009. This brutal contest ended their heated rivalry, one in which won't be seen again.

Another long-time rival stuck his nose back into the title picture, as Edge and Jeff Hardy restarted their feud from a few months ago. Edge got the best of the Charismatic Enigma in a one-on-one match at Judgment Day 2009, but lost in a Ladder match at Extreme Rules 2009 a few weeks later.

Normally, Edge would find himself right back into the title picture. This time, though, he was left off the next PPV card, which was The Bash 2009. It seemed as if Edge's tumultuous dominance over the WWE roster was coming to an end. We all know not to expect that from the Rated-R Superstar.

After suffering a crushing defeat against Rey Mysterio, Chris Jericho caught up with Edge and the two intersected themselves into a Unified Tag Team Title match between The Colons and Legacy. After a hectic contest, the new team came out on top. It was only a matter of time before the two former World champions once again dominated the tag team scene.

The dreaded Summer Curse came to bite Edge on the ass once again, as he was stricken with a torn ACL. For a man like Edge, taking away his speed and agility (as well as mobility) would spell the end for his career. He sat on the sidelines and watched Jericho and Big Show reign as Unified Tag Team Champions, as well as the likes of John Cena, CM Punk, Randy Orton and Undertaker dominate the two World title scenes.

Instead of moping and letting the injury get the best of him, Edge pushed himself to the limit and recuperated. He proved the doctors and critics wrong and got himself back into shape. Before he knew it, he'd be stepping back into a wrestling ring once again. To his (and everybody's) surprise, that would be much sooner than he thought.

At the 2010 Royal Rumble, Edge shocked the world by entering at the number 29 spot and winning the battle, guaranteeing himself a main event title match at Wrestlemania 26. His fears of missing the biggest show of the year were vanquished, as he would now be headlining it once again.

He spent the next month deciding whether to challenge for the World or WWE title, as both title scenes were crowded. Sheamus and Undertaker walked into the 2010 Elimination Chamber the champs, but neither walked out as such. Batista left the WWE Champion (though Cena won the match) and Chris Jericho left the World Heavyweight Champion. It was clear who Edge would be challenging.

Ever since Edge was injured, Chris Jericho took it upon himself to berate his former partner and call him weak. He lambasted the Rated-R Superstar as being unreliable and touted The Big Show as a true friend and partner. He began to eat those words going into Wrestlemania 26, but ended up shocking the world and beating Edge in their epic clash. Edge did get the last laugh, though, as he speared him through the guardrail. He then beat him in a steel cage battle the next month at Extreme Rules 2010, though the title was not on the line (Jack Swagger had cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase a few weeks earlier and captured the World Title).

Edge started to lose his step a bit after his feud with Jericho, as a new feud with Randy Orton didn't go as planned. When the Nexus made their presence felt on Raw, he was put into a tough predicament on whether or not to align with Team WWE (and ultimately both John Cena and Chris Jericho). He ultimately decided to side with Team WWE and helped lead that team to victory.

It seemed as if he was getting back on track, but he had a secret thorn in his side. The Anonymous Raw GM had been making his life a living hell the past few months. This led to Edge snapping and destroying the laptop in which the GM communicated, making Edge look worse for wear. His salvation came in the form of a trade to Smackdown.

Returning to the brand that helped define his career, Edge wasted no time on getting back on top. He brushed through former World Champion Jack Swagger then entered a feud with the current champion, Kane. Usually, the Big Red Machine would be the one playing mind games with his victims. This time, the Rated-R Superstar got into Kane's mind by abducting Paul Bearer.

Thanks to this, Edge was able to nab himself a World title match at the Survivor Series, but that match ended in a draw. This gave Edge a rematch at TLC 2010, with the title being on the line in a TLC Match, of course. Alberto Del Rio and Rey Mysterio were able to sneak their way into the match, but that didn't prevent Edge from winning the gold and beginning his last title reign.

After a devastating Last Man Standing Match against Kane on Smackdown, Dolph Ziggler began to give Edge problems leading to their match at the 2011 Royal Rumble. The Perfectionist had Edge's former flame Vickie Guerrero in his corner, who wound up becoming the Interim Smackdown General Manager. She banned Edge's finishing maneuver, the Spear, from the match. Edge prevailed, though, and used the Spear anyway when the ref was knocked out and retained his title.

He did lose it to Dolph Ziggler a few weeks later on Smackdown, though that was due to a disqualification. Teddy Long had just returned from his injury and regained his GM role and gave Edge another title match. Just like that, Edge was back on top.

He entered the 2011 Elimination Chamber as the World Champion and walked out as champion, this time with no problems. Despite stiff competition from Big Show, Wade Barrett, Rey Mysterio, Kane and Drew McIntyre, he was able to retain his title. His destiny to once again headline Wrestlemania as champion was coming full circle.

Another man's destiny stood in the way of Edge's. That man was Alberto Del Rio, the 2011 Royal Rumble winner. He had chosen to challenge Edge at Wrestlemania 27 for the World Heavyweight Championship and make an example out of the Rated-R Superstar.

That never came to be, as Edge trampled over ADR in their match at Wrestlemania 27, though it was a close call. Both men had a helping hand in their corner. Alberto Del Rio had his NXT Season 4 rookie Brodus Clay in his corner, while Edge had his best friend and former partner Christian in his corner. The former tag team champions fended off numerous cheap advantages and a Spear from Edge sealed the deal.

Which bring us to last night's Raw. Edge, who has been having quite possibly the best reign of his career, has had the unfortunate task of announcing his retirement. For 13 years, he's been able to live his dream. Now, he must say goodbye. It's been a helluva career, but it's now time for the Rated-R Superstar to call it quits.

As a big fan of his from the beginning, it's hard to imagine not seeing him in the ring anymore. Sure, he's had long stretches of absences, but the best in the world have to take a break every now and then. Knowing that this break will be permanent is hard to swallow.

Instead of wishing for more, I'd like to thank Edge for his career. I'd like to congratulate him on living his dream and proving his critics wrong. He may not have been the biggest dog in the fight, but he had the heart the size of King Kong. He's an inspiration to those who have been told they can't all their lives and has had one of the best careers of any professional wrestler in history.

It may be hard to say goodbye, but it's for the best.

Thank you, Edge!

Rotten to the Corre- Episode VII: Will the Real Wade Barrett Please Stand Up

Image created by 'Crap member Section 8.

*Wade Barrett sits in a chair in the corner of the locker room. His head is down in shame and he won’t speak to anybody. Justin and Ezekiel have spent the past hour trying to get a word out of him, but to no avail. Heath Slater walks into the room.*

Heath: Hey, guys! Is Wade talking again yet?

Ezekiel: Nope.

Justin: I thought I heard a “What?”, but that turned out to be a burp.

Heath: Are you sure Austin didn’t walk by?

Justin: I’m sure. He’s holed up in his locker room scouring the internet trying to find out who Melina and Alicia Fox are.

Heath: Any way I can help?

Justin: You could give him a copy of last year’s Summerslam.

Heath: I meant with Wade!

Justin: Oh. You give it a shot, but I highly doubt you’ll get a rise out of him.

*Heath grabs a chair and sits next to Wade.*

Wade: Hey, buddy! How’s it going?

*Wade just stares blankly at the wall.*

Heath: That’s a good looking wall. It’s no Jerry Tuite, though.

*Wade just stares blankly at the wall.*

Heath: Look, I know you’re upset over our loss at Wrestlemania.

Ezekiel: And out beat down from Rock and Cena on Raw.

Heath: That, too!

Ezekiel: And our loss on Smackdown to Kane, Big Show, Santino and Kofi again.

*Wade starts to look disgusted.*

Heath: You’re not helping, Ezekiel!

Ezekiel: It’s true, though.

Heath: That’s beside the point.

Ezekiel: No, it’s the actual point. We keep losing, that’s why he’s sad.

Heath: I know that’s why he’s sad. I’m saying drilling into his head won’t help matters.

Ezekiel: It could. Maybe if he faces the facts, he’ll be able to overcome them.

Justin: That might actually work.

Heath: Fine! We’ll try it. Wade, it’s a fact that we’ve been getting our asses handed to us more times than Lindsay Lohan’s been to rehab. That doesn’t change the fact that we’re champions and are the most dominating faction on Smackdown.

Ezekiel: We’re the only faction on Smackdown.

Heath: Which makes us the most dominant!

*Wade looks even more disgusted.*

Heath: That only seemed to make things worse, guys. We need a new plan.

Justin: Let him insult you.

Heath: What?!?

Justin: Let him insult you. That always makes him feel better.

Heath: Alright. Hey Wade, what do you think of me?

*Wade stares blankly at the wall.*

*Heath starts poking Wade and flipping his hair into his face. Wade still doesn’t respond.*

Heath: Fine! If you don’t want to talk, then how about writing?

*Heath whips out his iPhone and logs onto Wade’s Twitter account.*

Justin: How do you know Wade’s password?

Heath: I guessed his password.

Justin: What was it?

Heath: Heath’s an idiot! All caps.

Justin: Go figure.

Heath: Alright, Wade, here’s your chance to vent. I’ve already typed in “Heath Slater is a…”

*Heath hands the phone over to Wade, who proceeds to pound on the keyboard. He hits submit and hands the phone back to Heath.*

Ezekiel: What’s it say?

Heath: Heath Slater is a nice guy.

*Heath looks stunned.*

Heath: Oh my God! THIS ISN’T THE REAL WADE BARRETT!

*Heath begins to freak out, as Justin and Ezekiel try to calm him down. That doesn’t work, as he runs into the hallway screaming his lungs out.*

Heath: WHERE’S THE REAL WADE BARRETT?!?

*He runs into Zack Ryder and Primo.*

Heath: Have you guys seen the real Wade Barrett?

Zack: There’s a fake one.

Primo: Yeah. They’re called the FCW roster.

Zack: BURN!

Heath: Have you seen him or not?

Zack: No, broski!

*Heath runs away and continues screaming. He bumps into JTG.*

Heath: Have you seen the real Wade Barrett?

JTG: Nah, dawg. I am looking for a fake Shad, though, to replace the original one. Is Ezekiel still with you guys?

Heath: Yes, and he doesn’t plan on leaving!

JTG: Okay, chill Wendy!

Heath: Stop calling me Wendy!

JTG: Stop looking like her!

Heath: Touche.

*Heath runs away, searching for the real Wade Barrett. He bumps into Tyler Reks.*

Heath: Have you seen… Matt Hardy, what are you doing here? I thought you left.

Tyler: I’m not Matt Hardy! I’m Tyler Reks.

Heath: Who?

Tyler: I’m Tyler Reks. I used to be a surfer on ECW; I teamed with Yoshi Tatsu; I’m now doing a Charles Manson impersonation.

Heath: Why are you stealing CM Punk’s gimmick?

Tyler: He doesn’t have a Charles Manson gimmick.

Heath: Fooled me. That still doesn’t explain who you are.

Tyler: *sighs* I was the one who freaked out on the airplane last year.

Heath: Oh, now I remember you! We all made Twilight Zone jokes for weeks!

Tyler: Yeah, I know. It was annoying and juvenile.

Heath: Don’t let it get to you. Just move past it and get on with your life. Besides, weren’t you offered a gig on a USA show?

Tyler: No.

Heath: Really? I could have sworn I heard that somewhere.

Tyler: What show am I supposed to be on?

Heath: In Plain Sight.

*Heath starts laughing wildly.*

Tyler: Why you little…

*Tyler chases Heath through the hallway. Heath finds refuge in Teddy Long’s office. He locks the door and breathes a sigh of relief.*

Teddy: What’s your deal, playa?

Heath: Tyler Reks is chasing me.

Teddy: Who’s Tyler Reks?

Heath: Big guy, afraid of planes, looks like Matt Hardy.

Teddy: That’s not Matt Hardy?!?

Heath: No. I couldn’t believe it, either.

Teddy: Now I feel bad. I’ve been punishing him by banishing him to Superstars for nothing.

Heath: Why were you punishing Matt Hardy?

Teddy: He stole my grapes, playa!

Heath: What a crime.

Teddy: Are you mocking me, playa? If so, I’ll make you go one on one with da Undertaka!

Heath: I’m not mocking you. Though you do need to have a better back up plan than Undertaker. He’s not going to be around for much longer.

Teddy: Who would you suggest?

Heath: How about Wade Barrett? He’s been feeling down lately, since we’re always losing.

Teddy: Tell him he shouldn’t feel down. He’s the Intercontinental Champion and is very successful over here on Smackdown. It’d be a huge loss for me if he went back to Raw.

Heath: Thanks, Teddy! I’ll tell him you said that.
Teddy: Not a problem, playa. I hope it helps! Oh, and this doesn’t mean I won’t give you guys hell.

Heath: I know, playa!

*Heath leaves the room and sees an angry Tyler Reks waiting for him.*

Heath: Tyler, I can explain.

Tyler: Explain it to my fist!

*As Tyler is about to hit Heath, Slater shouts at him.*

Heath: Teddy Long thought you were Matt Hardy, hence why you’re on Superstars!

*Irate, Tyler storms into Teddy’s office. Heath giggles and runs away. He returns to the locker room to find Wade smiling and chatting away with Justin and Ezekiel.*

Heath: You guys found the real Wade Barrett!

Wade: I was the real Wade Barrett all along, you fool!

Heath: That’s the Wade I know. How’d you guys fix him?

Justin: We just reminded him that, no matter how bad it gets for us, we’re not apart of the debacle known as the New Nexus.

Heath: Why didn’t I think of that?

Wade: You were too busy flipping your hair like an idiot!

*Heath Slater hugs Wade Barrett.*

Heath: It’s good to have you back, buddy!

*Heath is still hugging Wade.*

Wade: This is getting a little awkward now.

Heath: It’s not awkward. It’s guy love between two guys.

Justin: You said that was just between us!

Heath: How about a group hug, then?

Justin: Okay.

*All four members of the Corre hug each other, with Ezekiel striking a smile.*

Wade: Stop smiling, Ezekiel!

Rotten to the Corre- Episode VI: If Ya Smell...

Image created by ‘Crap member Section 8.

Wade: If Kane and Big Show think that teaming with Santino and Kozlov at Wrestlemania is enough to even the odds, then they’re naïve.

Ezekiel: You got that right.

Wade: We’ve done nothing but embarrass and overpower Kane and Big Show. You’d think that, when finding help, they’d get men who are even bigger and stronger than they are.

Ezekiel: I hear you, Wade.

Wade: Sure, Kozlov has brute force, but not enough to take us down. Add in that Santino is nothing more than a human punching bag and we’ve got ourselves an easy victory at Wrestlemania.

Ezekiel: Damn straight!

Wade: I wouldn’t mind it so much had they chosen wrestlers who we haven’t decimated time and time again.

Ezekiel: You mean superstars.

Wade: What?

Ezekiel: You called Santino and Kozlov wrestlers, when they’re actually superstars. According to WWE, anyway.

Wade: Who cares what they’re referred as?!? Come Wrestlemania, they’ll be road kill!

Ezekiel: I think WWE would care.

Wade: Since when did we care about the WWE?

*Ezekiel stands there stroking his chin, thinking about the question for a good while.*

Ezekiel: They pay us?

Wade: Fine! That’s one good thing they do!

Ezekiel: We all know you need more income for your already sizable bank account.

Wade: You’ve been playing Smackdown vs. Raw 2011 again, haven’t you?

*Ezekiel puts his head down in shame.*

Ezekiel: Yes, sir.

Wade: What did I tell you about playing that game?

Ezekiel: That it’s nothing more than a distraction than my real duty, which is watch over the Corre and make sure nothing goes wrong.

Wade: Exactly!

Ezekiel: If it’s any consolation, you’re my World Heavyweight Champion in Universe Mode.
Wade: That’s nice, but it doesn’t mean much. Heath holds all the gold in his copy, which we all know is impossible.

*Wade waits for Heath to whine and retaliate, but is met with silence. Wade looks around to notice that both Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel are missing.*

Wade: Where the hell are Heath and Justin?

Ezekiel: They’re getting The Rock’s autograph.

Wade: Excuse me?

Ezekiel: They’re getting The Rock’s autograph.

Wade: I know what you said!

Ezekiel? Then why did you say excuse me? That led me to believe you didn’t hear me. You shouldn’t mess with people’s emotions like that, Wade.

Wade: How is that messing with your emotions?

Ezekiel: You see…

Wade: It’s a rhetorical question. Follow me!

Ezekiel: Where are we going?

Wade: We’re going to get Heath and Justin and end this charade.

Ezekiel: Why?

Wade: It’s a…

Ezekiel: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHY WE’RE GETTING HEATH AND JUSTIN!

*Wade stares in shock at Ezekiel.*

Wade: Why does everybody keep doing that to me?

Ezekiel: It’s fun to…

Wade: Rhetorical question, Ezekiel!

Ezekiel: Sorry.

Wade: Don’t be sorry. Just don’t do it again. Now, let’s go!

*Wade and Ezekiel leave their locker room and hunt for Heath and Justin. They bump into Zack Ryder in the hallway.*

Wade: Zack, have you seen Heath and Justin?

Zack: Yeah, bro. They’re waiting in line to get The Rock’s autograph.

Wade: There’s a line?
Zack: Yeah, broski.

Wade: Let me guess. You got his autograph?

Zack: Woo woo woo, you know it!

*Wade stares a hole through Zack Ryder.*

Wade: Where is the autograph session at?

Zack: Right down this hallway and take a right.

Wade: Let’s go, Ezekiel!

*Wade and Ezekiel begin to walk towards the end of the hallway. Ezekiel stays behind and stops Zack Ryder.*

Ezekiel: Hey Zack, do you think I could get one of those Woo Woo Woo headbands?

Zack: Definitely, sweet tea!

*Zack grabs a headband out of his back pocket and hands it to Ezekiel.*

Zack: Buy my shirt and I’ll give you an autograph. I may even make you my Broski of the Week on my show.

Ezekiel: You would do that for me?

Zack: Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. For now, enjoy the headband.

*Ezekiel puts the headband on and giggles. He quickly catches up with Wade at the autograph session.*

Wade: Can you believe this, Ezekiel? A bunch of grown men standing around waiting for an autograph from a man who thinks the phrase, “Sour cream on an ice cream sandwich” is a thing of beauty?

*Curt Hawkins and Trent Barreta turn around and confront Wade.*

Curt: That man just so happens to be one of the best superstars to ever lace up a pair of boots.

Trent: He’s also one of the hottest movie stars in Hollywood today.

*Wade begins to laugh uncontrollably.*

Wade: You two are right. Not only is his sharpshooter “picture perfect”, but “The Tooth Fairy” is this decade’s “Gone with the Wind”.

Trent: I liked “The Tooth Fairy”!

Wade: I’m sure you did.

Trent: What’s that supposed to mean?

Wade: It means go back to Superstars where you belong!

*Curt and Trent stare at each other puzzled.*
Curt: That made no sense, whatsoever.

Wade: Neither does your career!

Ezekiel: BURN!

*Curt and Trent run away crying, as Wade and Ezekiel cut in line. They see Heath and Justin at the front, both getting The Rock’s autograph.*

Wade: Heath! Justin! Come here, now!

Heath: One minute, Dad. We’re getting The Rock’s autograph!

Wade: I know, that’s the problem.

Justin: Why?

Wade: Do you know how pathetic it is, as a grown man and a member of The Corre, to beg for his autograph?

Heath: We’re not begging. He’s simply giving it to us.

Wade: I don’t care if he’s shining his boot up and shoving it up his own ass! The fact of the matter is…

*The Rock stands out of his chair, removes his sunglasses and stares a hole into Wade Barrett.*

Rock: What in the blue hell is your problem?

Wade: You!

Rock: Is that so?

Wade: Yes, Rocky, it is so. Your type bothers me.

Rock: What do you mean by my type?

Wade: I mean…

Rock: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU MEAN!

Wade: That’s exactly why I hate you! Do you know how many people have been doing that to me lately?

Rock: Including me, three.

Wade: How did you know that?

Rock: Lucky guess.

Wade: You keep up your routine and you won’t be so lucky.

Rock: If I were you, I’d turn around and walk away right now.

Wade: If I don’t?

Rock: Then The Rock is going to shine up his boot…
Wade: ..shove it sideways and stick it straight up my candy ass, right?

Rock: How dare you interrupt The Rock?

Wade: How dare you walk back into this company and act as if you own the place? The Corre has tried their best to erase garbage such as you from this place and to stake our claim. Only for you to waltz back in here and act as if you never left.

Heath: I don’t mean to interrupt, but technically the only person associated with the WWE who is waltzing currently is Chris Jericho.

Wade & Rock: SHUT UP, HEATH!

Rock: Let The Rock inform you of something, Wade. You think you’re so special, simply because you brainwashed a couple of guys into believing your hype. I know this, because I’ve been there. I too once thought I was the hottest prospect to ever step foot into the WWE. I convinced a couple of fellows that I was going to take them into the stratosphere and dominate this company. They believed me, only to regret it later.

Justin: He’s referring to the Nation of Domination.

Wade: I know what he’s referring to, Justin! It doesn’t matter, as The Corre is not some two-bit operation. Unlike the Nation, we are taking over the WWE and will dominate this company.

Ezekiel: It says so in my theme.

*The Rock stares at Ezekiel, then begins to laugh.*

Rock: Your headband says otherwise.

*Wade notices the headband and rips it off of Ezekiel’s head.*

Wade: What the hell is your problem?!? You’re making us look like fools!

Rock: Ezekiel isn’t making you look like fools, Wade. You are!

Wade: I’ve had enough of your attitude! Heath, Justin, Ezekiel, back to the locker room!

*Dejectedly, the three Corre members follow Wade back to their locker room. Before they turn the corner, Wade stops and gets The Rock’s attention once more.*

Wade: By the way, Rock, how does it feel to be back in the WWE?

Rock: It feels pretty…

Wade: IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW IT FEELS!

*Everybody stares blankly at Wade, not believing what they just heard. Wade laughs and walks back to the locker room.*

Cena: BURN!

Rock: Where the hell did you come from?

Cena: I was getting a hot dog and overheard the conversation.

Rock: Good for you, ya jabroni!

Rotten to the Corre- Episode V: Golden Boys

Image created by ‘Crap member, Section 8.

*The Corre have just opened a bottle of wine and are celebrating Wade Barrett’s Intercontinental Championship victory.*

Wade: This is the greatest night of my life!

Justin: Congratulations, Wade! We knew you could do it.

Heath: Well, I wasn’t sure of you could beat Kofi Kingston, but was happy that you did.

Wade: Heath, I’m not going to let your backhanded compliment get the better of me tonight. I’m in too good of a mood.

Heath: I mean what I said. I’m ecstatic to know that you’re now in the same lineage as talent such as Dean Douglas, The Mountie, Road Dogg, Albert and Chyna.

Wade: I’m glad I’m now associated with the likes of Randy Savage, Ricky Steamboat, Chris Jericho, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Steve Austin, The Rock, Bret Hart, Mr. Perfect, Pat Patterson and Roddy Piper. Try to comeback from that.

*Heath stands there with a puzzled look on his face, before an idea pops into his head and he lights up.*

Heath: Diesel held the belt and you hate him.

Wade: Fine, you win. That doesn’t matter, though. This is still a great night for me and for the Corre.

*While those three are celebrating, Ezekiel Jackson is standing with a sorrow look on his face.*

Justin: What’s the matter, Ezekiel? You look depressed.

Ezekiel: I’m not depressed. If anything, I’m happy for you, Wade. It’s just that, you three all have titles and I’m stuck with nothing.

Wade: That’s not true.

Ezekiel: What do you mean?

*Wade grabs a bag from the closet and pulls out the ECW Championship.*

Wade: You’re the last ECW Champion. An honor in which nobody can take away from you.

Heath: Unless Vince decides to bring it back again and get one last run in as champ by making you join his “Kiss My Ass” club.

*Vince McMahon walks by the locker room and overhears this statement.*

Vince: You know, that’s not such a bad idea.

*Ezekiel has a horrified look on his face, until Vince starts to laugh.*

Vince: I’m just kidding, Ezekiel. I would never do that to you. If any Corre member would be kissing my ass, it’d be Justin. After all, he live an alternative lifestyle.

*Vince struts away laughing at his joke.*

Justin: Damn it, Cena! Now you’ve got the boss making alternative lifestyle jokes.

Wade: That doesn’t matter right now. What matters is that we all have a title, which gives us a tremendous edge going into Wrestlemania.

Heath: Actually, Christian has an edge going into Wrestlemania. His name is Adam Copeland.

Wade: Do you ever stop cracking jokes?

Heath: No, it’s in my contract.

Wade: Knock it off with the jokes!

Heath: I’m not kidding; look.

*Heath pulls out his contract and points to him cracking wise being necessary.*

Wade: Well, I’ll be.

Justin: What’s this at the bottom about having to massage Vickie’s feet every Wednesday night?

Heath: Nothing!

*Heath shoves his contract back into his bag.*

Justin: It’s not nothing. I clearly seen it state that you have to massage Vickie’s feet.

Ezekiel: I seen it, too.

Heath: No, you didn’t. It said that I had to get a massage from someone named Dixie every Wednesday night.

Ezekiel: Why would that be in your contract?

Heath: I’m awesome, that’s why!

Justin: You’re not The Miz.

Wade: Enough! It doesn’t matter whose feet Heath has to massage. Though I do find it funny that it has to be Vickie’s. Anyway, what matters is that we’re all champions. I say we raise our glasses and make a toast.

*The Corre raise their glasses and make a toast.*

Wade: To the Corre: for conquering Smackdown and claiming gold.

Corre (altogether): TO THE CORRE!

Justin: Actually, Ezekiel doesn’t have gold. His title is silver.

Ezekiel: You’ve got a problem with my title?

Justin: No! I’m just pointing out a fact. Wade said we all had gold, but you don’t.

Ezekiel: At least my title looks like a championship. The Tag Team titles look like giant pennies.

Justin: They do not! They have gladiators on them!

Heath: Knock it off, you two! If it bothers Ezekiel that much that his title is silver, we’ll get crayons and color in some gold.

Ezekiel: I am not letting you deface my championship like that!

Wade: Calm down, everybody. Nobody’s going to color on the ECW Championship. Besides, where would we get crayons at a time like this?

Heath: I have some in my bag.

*Heath pulls out crayons and a notepad from his bag.*

Wade: Why do you have crayons in your bag?

Heath: I get bored on the trips, so I color to keep me occupied. Here’s a picture of a duck I drew.

*Heath hands Wade the drawing.*

Wade: Why is the duck blue?

Heath: Well, I made the duck blue because I'd never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one.

Justin: Well, I think it's an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade.

Heath: Wow, Mr. Gabriel, that's great. What do you think of that Mr. Blue Duck?

*Heath pretends to be the duck.*

Heath: That’s quacktastic!

*Heath and Justin high-five, while Wade face palms.*

Wade: *mutters* I’m surrounded by idiots.

Justin: What was that?

Wade: Nothing. Enough with these movie references and back to celebrating. Justin, did you bring that music I asked for?

Justin: Yes, I did. One moment please.

*Justin connects speakers to his laptop and turns on the music. “Thank You for Being a Friend” starts to play.*

Wade: This isn’t the song I asked for.

Justin: Are you sure?

Wade: Yes, I’m sure! I asked for “We Are the Champions”, not the “Golden Girls” theme.

Heath: What’s wrong with the “Golden Girls” theme?

Wade: “Golden Girls” was terrible!

Ezekiel: I loved “Golden Girls”!

*Wade, Heath and Justin give Ezekiel weird looks.*

Justin: You like the “Golden Girls”?

Ezekiel: Yeah. What’s wrong with that?

Justin: Nothing. Just strange, that’s all.

Ezekiel: How so?

Wade: Two reasons: One, you’re not the demographic that the show was hunting for; and two, “Golden Girls” sucked!

Ezekiel: They did not!

Wade: Did so!

Ezekiel: Did not!

Wade: Did so!

Ezekiel: Did not!

Wade: Did so!

Heath: Guy, guys, enough already. I personally liked the “Golden Girls”, too.

Wade: *mutters* Of course, you would.

*Heath gives Wade a glare.*

Heath: I think we should rename the group Golden Boys.

Wade: No!

Ezekiel: I like it!

Justin: So do I!

Heath: That’s three votes to one, we win. Golden Boys it is!

Wade: That’s not how this works.

Heath: Why not?

Wade: Because I said so?
Ezekiel: That’s not fair.

Wade: Do you want me to go tell Vince that I think him winning the ECW title again and making you join his “Kiss My Ass” club is a good idea?

Ezekiel: No, sir.

Wade: That’s what I thought. Therefore, the name remains. We are the Corre.

*Wade raises his glass.*

Wade: To the Corre!

Corre (altogether): To the Corre!

Michael McGillicutty: To the Corre!

*All four members of the Corre shoot their heads toward the door and see Michael standing there sheepishly.*

Wade: What are you doing here?

Michael: Well, the New Nexus didn’t work out as planned, so I was hoping I could join the Corre.

Wade: No! Get out of here!

*Wade shoos Michael away and returns to the room.*

Wade: Can you believe that guy?

Heath: No. Besides, shouldn’t he be in Florida?

Wade: Anyway, to the Corre!

Corre (altogether): To the…

*They all look around to make sure the coast is clear.*

Corre (altogether): Corre!

Rotten to the Corre- Episode IV: Nocturnal Affair

Rotten to the Corre- Episode IV: Nocturnal Affair


Image created by 'Crap member, Section 8.

*Wade Barrett lies in his hotel bed, trying to fall asleep. Whenever he’s about to escape into a dream world, Heath Slater’s snoring wakes him up. After awhile, he snaps and jumps out of bed. He puts on a robe and storms out of the room. He pounds on the door of the room next to his. Justin Gabriel groggily opens the door.*

Justin: Wade, it’s 4 in the morning. Why are you pounding on our door?

Wade: You need to do something about your friend. He’s snoring like a bison and is preventing me from getting my beauty sleep.

Justin: I’ve told you before; I can’t do anything about that. We’ve tried snore guards but they don’t work. His mighty snore simply seeps through.

Wade: Here’s a solution: you share a room with him! After all, you two are best friends.

Justin: I can’t do that.

Wade: Why not?

Justin: Uh… because Ezekiel needs me.

Wade: *perplexed* What for?

Justin: Uh… he needs me, and me only, to read him a bedtime story in order to fall asleep.

*Ezekiel Jackson hears this and wakes up.*

Ezekiel: No I don’t! That’s a blatant lie and you know it! You just don’t want to deal with Heath’s snoring.

Justin: Shut up, Ezekiel!

Wade: That settles it. We’re switching roommates!

Justin: Hey look, it’s John Cena.

Wade: CENER! Where?!?

*Justin slams the door, leaving Wade standing in the hallway. He starts pounding and shouting.*

Wade: Open up, Justin!

*Curt Hawkins opens his door and screams at Wade.*

Curt: Knock it off! Some of us are trying to sleep!

Wade: What for? It’s not like you’re going to be booked in a match tomorrow. Dennis Stamp has a better chance of being booked than you do.

*Curt Hawkins stares blankly at Wade before bursting into tears and running back into his room. Wade does heed to his demands and returns to his room. He once again tries to fall asleep, but Heath’s snoring prevents that from happening. In a fit of rage, he wakes him up.*
Wade: That’s it, Heath! Wake up!

*Wade shakes Heath’s bed, instantly waking him up.*

Heath: What the hell is wrong with you, Wade?!? I was dreaming that I was just crowned Miss America.

Wade: You’re snoring has to… wait, why were you dreaming that you were Miss America?

Heath: *embarrassed* I didn’t say that.

Wade: Yes, you did.

Heath: No, I said I was dreaming that I was Mr. Amazing from the Fantastic Four.

Wade: That’s Mr. Fantastic.

Heath: Crap! Uh, I mean… you read comics? What a nerd!

Wade: Nerd jokes, really? Who are you, Michael Cole?

Heath: Maybe I am!

Wade: That’s nothing to be proud of.

Heath: Good point. Anyway, why did you wake me up?

Wade: You’re snoring has to stop. I can’t sleep!

Heath: It’s not as if I can help it. Trust me, I tried. Just put a pillow over your head and you’ll be fine.

Wade: I’ve tried that. You snore like a bison and are easily heard, even if I put Mark Henry over my head.

Heath: That sounded dirty.

Wade: Heath…

Heath: Also, how do you know how a Bison snores? Were you abandoned as a child and raised by them? Or is Mantaur your father?

Wade: *perplexed* I… I don’t even have a response to that. What I do know is that if I don’t get my beauty sleep I’ll look terrible in the ring.

Heath: The Corre are all equals, right?

Wade: Yeah, what’s your point?

Heath: If so, then me getting a full night’s sleep means you will have as well.

Wade: That doesn’t make any sense, Heath.

Heath: That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you since the beginning.

Wade: Hey!

Heath: Look, my snoring isn’t going to stop. If you can’t sleep, why don’t you do something productive? Go hang out with CM Punk. I’m sure he’s still awake.

Wade: Are you an idiot?!? Why would I hang out with Punk? He kicked me out of Nexus and I hate him!

Heath: Sorry, I forgot.

Wade: How could you forget that?

Heath: I’m like Creative; I forget a lot of things. I’m going back to bed.

*Heath drifts back off to sleep, much to the chagrin of Wade. Knowing he won’t fall asleep with Heath in the same room, he heads down to the lobby to see if another one is available.*

Wade: Excuse me, do you have any more rooms available?

Clerk: I’m sorry, sir, we’re all booked. The superstars of the WWE are here. Maybe you’ll get lucky and meet some of them.

Wade: I am one of them!

Clerk: Really? Which one?

Wade: I’m Wade Barrett, former leader of the Nexus and current member of the Corre.

Clerk: Sorry, doesn’t ring a bell.

Wade: Did you watch last year’s Survivor Series?

Clerk: Yeah, it was a great show!

Wade: I was in the main event.

Clerk: Really?!?

Wade: Yes! I challenged Randy Orton for the WWE Championship.

Clerk: That was you?

Wade: Yes! Who did you think it was?

Clerk: *shrugs his shoulders* I don’t know.

*Wade gets frustrated and nearly flips his lid, but opts to storm the hallways instead. He bumps into Daniel Bryan.*

Wade: Daniel, what are you still doing up?

Daniel: Fooling around with Gail.

Wade: How did you ever get a woman like her?

Daniel: You see, I…

Wade: Never mind, I don’t care! Where’s Punks’ room?

Daniel: It’s the last door on the right.

*Wade begins to walk towards the room, only to be called upon by Daniel.*

Daniel: By the way, Wade, I was wondering; how are things going for the Corre?

Wade: They’re going pretty…

Daniel: IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW THINGS ARE!

*Wade has the most shocked look on his face. He stand there in disbelief for nearly a minute, before breaking the silence.*

Wade: Did you just do a Rock impersonation?

Daniel: Yeah, what’d you think?

Wade: Don’t ever do it again. EVER!

*Daniel shrugs him off and walks back to his room. Wade goes to Punk’s door and contemplates on knocking.*

Wade: I can’t believe I’m doing this.

*Wade knocks on the door. Punk answers, but only pokes his head out to the door.

Punk: Wade, what the hell are you doing here?!?

Wade: I’m not looking for trouble. I just wanted to ask you a favor.

Punk: Fine, I’ll let you back into the Nexus. But, you must scrub my back every night and tell me how good I am.

Wade: What? No! Why would I want to rejoin the Nexus? The Corre is going strong and actually has it’s members still intact.

Punk: That’s cold, dude.

Wade: It’s the truth. Anyway, I wanted to know if I could use your room tonight. Heath’s snoring is keeping me awake and I figure, since you’re an insomniac, that you wouldn’t be needing it.

Punk: Tough luck, I am using it.

Wade: For what?

Punk: None of your business!

Wade: Don’t get testy with me! I was simply asking a question.

*The two begin to argue when a voice interrupt them. It is very raspy and demanding. Wade is familiar with it.*

Wade: Is that…

Punk: No!
*Mae Young interrupts the two, wearing nothing but a towel.*

Mae: What’s holding you up, boy?

Wade: Oh my God!

Punk: It’s not what it looks like! She needed help with her dentures and I’m simply giving her a hand.

Wade: Why isn’t she wearing any clothes?

Punk: That’s because she…

Mae: It’s because he’s giving me a hand in the old sackarooni, if you know what I mean.

Wade: I don’t think I want to.

*Punk shoves Mae back into the room and comes out into the hallway with Wade, closing the door behind him.*

Punk: This is between me and you. I’m only sleeping with her because I’ve made my way through the single ladies in the locker room. I was bored and horny and she happened to be in town. If anything, this is me doing a good deed for once.

Wade: What kind of a good deed is that?

Punk: Helping out the elderly. She may be old, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have needs. Besides, she has a few tricks up her sleeve.

Wade: That’s just sick! I’ve got to tell people.

Punk: No! You do it and I reveal the bigger picture.

Wade: How do you know what the bigger picture is?

Punk: David Otunga told me.

Wade: I don’t believe you.

*Punk whispers the bigger picture into Wade’s ear.*

Wade: That son of a bitch!

Punk: Is this between me and you, then?

Wade: Yes.

Punk: Good! Now, be on your way, young one.

*Wade starts to leave, only for Punk to stop him.*

Punk: Also, don’t think about telling your boys, either. Otunga also told me about that night in Las Vegas.

Wade: He promised it was a secret!

Punk: Can it, prom queen! Go back to your room and snuggle with Ron Howard.
*Wade is visibly pissed, but leaves knowing the circumstances. He heads back to his room, but chooses to sleep on the floor outside. That way he doesn’t hear Heath’s snoring. He finally starts to drift off to sleep, only for images of Punk and Mae Young start dancing in his head. Mortified, he gets and goes back into his room.*

Wade: Damn you, Punk!

Rotten to the Corre- Episode III: A Hairy Situation

*Wade Barrett is using his phone, presumably texting someone. It makes a message bleep, the same heard every Monday night on Raw whenever the GM makes an announcement.*

Heath: The Raw GM has an announcement! Oh, wait…

Wade: Relax. It’s just my phone. Somebody sent me a tweet.

*Wade reads the tweet and is visibly irate.*

Wade: Damn it, Heath! Why did your hair tweet me?

Heath: I don’t know. Why don’t you ask it?

Wade: Heath, stop playing around it! This is ridiculous!

Heath: What’s so ridiculous about it?

Wade: Your hair has a Twitter. That should answer your question.

Heath: It should, but it doesn’t.

*Justin Gabriel walks over to Heath and talks into his hair.*

Justin: Tweet him again. I want to do something funny.

Wade: Oh, come on, Justin! That’s…

*Wade’s phone goes off again. As it makes the noise, Justin turns the lights on and off.*

Justin: Now it’s like the Raw GM.

Heath: Nice!

*Heath and Justin high five, while Ezekiel Jackson laughs in the background.*

Wade: Stop laughing, Ezekiel!

*Ezekiel frowns.*

Justin: Stop being mean to Ezekiel!

Wade: Sorry, Ezekiel. I’m just a little frustrated right now.

Heath: Over my hair. Which is honestly pathetic, if you think about it. No offense.

Wade: Saying “no offense” doesn’t make your comment any less offensive, Heath.

Heath: You’re right! Let me make it up to you.

Wade: No, thank you! I can’t possibly imagine what your help would entail.
*Heath busts out his laptop and goes on Twitter. He’s very mysterious and secretive about what he’s doing, not even allowing Justin access.*

Justin: Come on, Heath! I want to see what you’re doing!

Heath: Give me a few minutes, Justin.

Justin: I want to see now!

*Justin starts throwing a temper tantrum. Ezekiel comes over and calms him down, while Wade face palms. After a few minutes of silence, Heath is finished.*

Heath: Done!

Justin: Sweet! Let me see!

*Heath turns his laptop, giving the other Corre members a view of his creation.*

Wade: YOU MADE MY SHOULDERS A TWITTER!

Heath: Yeah! I thought, since you were so jealous of my glorious hair having one, that your burly shoulders should get one to compensate.

Justin: Neat! I want one for my beard.

Ezekiel: I want one for my smile.

Wade: You’re not getting one for your smile, Ezekiel!

*Ezekiel frowns.*

Heath: Don’t worry, Ezekiel. Shawn Michaels had a Twitter for his smile, but he lost it.

Justin: Can I still have one for my beard?

Wade: No!

Justin: Why not?

Wade: It’s not menacing! Neither is having a Twitter for my shoulder or Heath’s hair. I want them deleted!

Heath: Relax, Sparky! Twitter’s not serious business. Nobody’s going to doubt our masculinity for having one. Besides, you yourself have a Twitter.

Wade: I use it for ethical and educational purposes. Such as giving today’s youth knowledge of artists such as Orwell.

Justin: You also make fun of Heath constantly.

Wade: Which is important to inform today’s youth.

Ezekiel: That Heath’s an idiot?

Wade: Yes! He’s also a bit slow when it comes to insults.

Heath: If it means that much to you, I’ll delete your shoulders. My hair stays, though.

Wade: *rolls eyes* Fair enough.

*Heath deletes the shoulder Twitter.*

Heath: Happy now?

Wade: Yes. Now, let’s go. We’ve got a plane to catch.

*The Corre gather their things and head out the door. As they’re about to leave, Heath stops dead in his tracks.*

Heath: Hey, I’m not an idiot!

Rotten to the Corre-Episode II: WENDY'S!

*The Corre arrive at Wendy’s.*

Wade: We did great tonight, guys! We proved our dominance and made an example out of Kane & Big Show. Best of all, we kept the tag titles. It’s time to celebrate!

Justin & Ezekiel: WENDY’S!

Heath: *mutters* Stupid Wendy’s.

*The Corre walk into Wendy’s and are greeted with applause and elation. The customers get out of their seats and run towards them*

Wade: That’s right, give us our due respect!

Crowd: Oh my God! It’s Wendy!

*Wade looks pissed.*

Heath: What? No! I’m not Wendy! Tell them I’m not Wendy, Wade.

*Wade ponders.*

Wade: He’s Wendy.

*Wade walks to the counter with a grin on his face. The crowd bombards Heath, with Justin staying behind to fend them off.*

Employee: What can I get for you?

Ezekiel: I’ll have four Baconators, four large fries and four large sodas.

Wade: Thanks for getting the whole group dinner!

Ezekiel: Who said I was ordering for you guys?

Wade: *confused* You got all that food and… never mind. I’m in too good of a mood tonight. I’ll have the Fish Fillet with a Baked Potato and Hot Tea. Oh, and… *yells* FROSTY’S ON THE HOUSE!

*The crowd cheers. Wade and Ezekiel grab a table, with Heath and Justin joining them.*

Heath: What the hell was that for, Wade?!?

Wade: My amusement.

Heath: Yeah, well I don’t find it very amusing. I had a woman rip a lock of hair out of my head.

Wade: Why would anybody want a lock of that greasy mess?

Justin: Hey, Heath isn’t Bret Hart.

Heath: Nice!

*Heath and Justin knuckle bump.*
Justin: At least you made up for it by getting everybody Frosty’s.

Ezekiel: About that. If we’re supposed to be menacing, then why are we treating people to Frosty’s?

Wade: You know, I didn’t think of that. How are we going to fix this?

Heath: I know.

*Heath gets out of his chair, goes up to each customer and dumps their Frosty’s on them.*

Heath: Ha! You all just got frosted!

Wade: That was your plan?

Heath: It made them hate us, didn’t it?

Wade: Maybe, but it also made us look like idiots! We want to be menacing, not pull of pranks like the Hamburglar.

Justin: Wrong fast food chain, bro.

Wade, Heath & Ezekiel: Bro?

Wade: Have you been hanging out with Zack Ryder again?

Justin: *sheepishly* No.

*The manager walks up to their table.*

Manager: Folks, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Wade: Why?

Manager: You doused our other customers with Frosty’s. You can’t do that.

Wade: Why not? We beat the tar out of Kane & Big Show and faced no consequences.

Manager: Who?

Heath: Kane & Big Show. You know, the two giants. One used to wear a mask, but had to take it off after Triple H beat him. All because of a rumor that he molested the corpse of Katie Vick. Then there’s Big Show, who had his father’s funeral interrupted by the Big Boss Man, who proceeded to drive the casket out of the graveyard.

Manager: *petrified* Little lady, I don’t know what your problem is. All I know is you and your lackeys better get out of here now before I call the cops.

Heath: I’m not a girl!

Wade: I’m not his lackey!

Ezekiel: I’m not done eating!

Justin: I can’t believe it’s not butter!

Manager: Out, now!

*The Corre is escorted out of the Wendy’s.*

Wade: Way to go, Heath. Get us kicked out of Wendy’s!

Heath: If you didn’t buy everybody a Frosty, we wouldn’t have this problem!

Wade: I’m not the one who poured them all over their heads!

Heath: Yeah, well…

Justin: Guys, knock it off! You’re making Ezekiel upset.

Ezekiel: *frowning* I want my Baconator.

Justin: Don’t worry, Ezekiel. We’ll go to another Wendy’s and get you your Baconator. Wade and Heath, apologize.

Wade & Heath: We’re sorry.

Justin: That’s better. Now let’s all go to another Wendy’s and forget about this mess. Heath, I suggest you disguise yourself this time.

Heath: As what?

Justin: David Otunga. Nobody will recognize you.

Rotten to the Corre: Episode 1

Wade Barret: Alright, this is what we're gonna do. Heath, stay out of the way! All you do is cause problems and act like a buffoon. Just stay in the background and play your Rock Band game.

Heath: It's One Man Rock Band, Wade.

Wade: Damn it, Heath! Don't correct me! I HATE YOU HEATH SLATER! I HATE YOU!

Justin: Hey, be nice to Heath!

Wade: Stay out of this, Justin. If it weren't for you, he'd be kicked to the road by now. I left Nexus to get away from him.

Heath: You didn't leave Nexus. You were kicked out.

Wade: HEATH!

Heath: At least me and Justin walked out in style, like real men. *flips hair*

Wade: Justin, control Heath! Speaking of you, I need you to hit your 450 Splash. I don't care how big the guy is, you do it. It looks nice and wows the crowd.

Justin: I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I don't want to do the 450 anymore. It hurts.

Wade: Oh, boo hoo Justin! You don't see me complaining about my move.

Justin: That's because you simply hoist somebody on your shoulders and drop them. I've got to risk my life doing an insane flip that, if done wrong, could break my neck.

Wade: Then make Heath do it.

Heath: I don't know how.

Wade: Of course you don't. You're Heath Slater, you can't do anything right!

Justin: Knock it off!

Wade: Do you want to be kicked out of the group?

Justin: *sad face* No.

Wade: That's what I thought. Do your move, keep Heath out of the way and don't, I repeat, DON'T smile!

Ezekiel: Can I smile?

Wade: No.

Ezekiel: Why not?

Wade: You're smile is... weird.

Ezekiel: What do you mean by that?

Wade: Nothing personal. It's a fine smile, but isn't menacing. It looks as if you just helped an old lady cross the street and are proud of it.

Ezekiel: What's wrong with helping an old lady cross the street?

Wade: *Frustrated* Nothing! It's simply not menacing.

Ezekiel: Why do we have to be menacing?

Wade: Because I said so!

Heath: Did Stone Cold say so?

Wade: Shut the hell up, Heath!

Ezekiel: We're getting off track. What do you want me to do?

Wade: Play back-up. If we get into trouble, hit the ring and take out our enemy. You seem to be good at that.

Ezekiel: *smiles* Thanks!

Wade: Stop smiling!

Justin: So, what are you going to do, Wade?

Wade: I'm going to stand back and watch. I'll give you all commands and, if need be, will assist you guys.

Heath: *mutters* And probably get chokeslammed by Big Show.

Wade: What was that?!?

Heath: Nothing.

Wade: That's what I thought. Remember, we're all equals. If you look bad, that means I look bad. I can't have that happening. Now, let's go out there and do business. Afterwards, we'll go to Wendy's.

Justin and Ezekiel: WENDY'S!

*The Corre exit the locker room*

Heath: *sad* Why do we always have to go to Wendy's?

WWE Elimination Chamber 2011 Predictions

WWE Elimination Chamber 2011 Predictions



The Road to Wrestlemania takes a pit stop in Satan’s Prison (which I always assumed was Andy Dick’s house), with both the WWE and World titles on the line. However, only one of them will be defended inside the Chamber, as WWE Champion The Miz will be facing Jerry “The King” Lawler with the gold on the line (you read that right). Edge has five men to deal with, but only knows four of them. Since Dolph Ziggler was “fired” on Smackdown, his spot is now available. Who will step inside the Chamber and battle for the gold? What are my predictions for the entire event? Why do I keep dragging this opening paragraph out, knowing full well you’ve probably skipped down to the predictions? Simply put, that’s how I roll!


Elimination Chamber Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (champ) vs. Wade Barrett vs. Kane vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Rey Mysterio vs. ???

As mentioned earlier, Teddy Long returned and “fired” Dolph Ziggler, leaving his spot open for another wrestler. I believe either Christian, Cody Rhodes, Big Show or Dolph Ziggler wearing a mask will take the open spot, though I don’t see any of them winning (Christian has a small chance, considering his past with Del Rio). As for the other participants…

Edge: The champion, as always, has the odds stacked against him and is usually the least likely to walk out with the gold. This time around, I think Edge winning is pretty much a given. He and Alberto Del Rio have been having their scuffles over the past few weeks, leaving more room to build. Add in that ADR took out Edge’s best friend, Christian, and you’ve got yourself a good old fashioned blood feud.

Rey Mysterio: He has history with Alberto Del Rio, so him winning and facing him at Mania isn’t too much of a stretch. The only person preventing that from happening is Cody Rhodes, who’s been feuding with Mysterio for awhile. Considering their rivalry is far from over (and beginning to pick up again), Mysterio’s chances are minimal.

Wade Barrett: Though I could have seen him winning the Royal Rumble, Barrett’s chances of walking out of Elimination Chamber with the World title is slim. He’s got a ready made feud with both The Big Show and Undertaker, with both easily being big Wrestlemania matches. He’s also a heel, so him facing Del Rio won’t happen, unless Edge is added to the mix (thanks to his rematch clause). Even so, I don’t think now is the time to put the title on him.

Kane: It’s hard to believe Kane was the most dominating champion last year, up until his dreadful feud with Edge. Ever since he’s lost the title at TLC, his momentum has dropped significantly. Considering he’s got Undertaker to once again face, I don’t see him walking out with the gold.

Drew McIntyre: Do I even have to write up a summary as to why he won’t win?

Final Prediction: Edge


Elimination Chamber Match to Determine the #1 Contender for the WWE Championship: John Cena vs. John Morrison vs. Randy Orton vs. CM Punk vs. King Sheamus vs. R-Truth

John Cena: Has the best odds to win, even if his track record inside the devilish structure says otherwise. Him vs. Miz at Mania would be a good sell, and it seems as if that’s the direction the WWE is going with. The only thing halting this theory is The Rock. After returning last Monday on Raw and lambasting the leader of the CeNation, a possible Rock/Cena match could happen instead. It’d make more money, that’s for sure. However, The Rock has stated in interviews that he doesn’t plan on competing (he is the guest host, after all) and doesn’t have any interest in fighting Cena (despite calling him out). If that’s the case, Cena vs. Miz could still be on, with The Rock being added as the guest referee/special enforcer.

John Morrison: Up until The Rock returned, Morrison’s chances of winning this match weren’t that good. Despite the history he and Miz have, the WWE doesn’t seem intent on pulling the trigger quite yet, with Morrison’s last title shot taking place at Raw instead of the Royal Rumble being a good example. If they book Rock/Cena, though, the door is wide open for a Miz/Morrison title match. Those two would do their best to put on a great show/feud, all the while not having the pressure of selling the PPV themselves. As long as Rock/Cena is booked, the rest of the Mania card could be a 3 hour Tea Party with the WWE locker room and the event would still make millions.

Randy Orton: A safe bet, considering he’s main evented Mania before, and has history with The Miz. His feud with CM Punk will cause a distraction, though, most likely preventing a victory. Then again, the Cena/Punk feud has kind of been dropped, so I wouldn’t be too surprised to see it happen here, as well.

CM Punk: Has a feud with Randy Orton in progress and is a heel, meaning Miz vs. Punk is most likely not happening.

King Sheamus: Heel vs. heel won’t happen; has a ready-made feud with Triple H if he returns; if not, will face either Mark Henry or The Great Khali (as terrible as those two matches would be).

R-Truth: I know I said that, if Rock/Cena were to happen, the rest of the card wouldn’t matter in order to sell the show. Even so, I can’t see R-Truth in the WWE title match at the biggest show of the year. He may be over, but he’s still a mid-carder at the moment.

Final Prediction: John Cena


WWE Championship: The Miz (champion) vs. Jerry Lawler

I don’t see Jerry Lawler defending the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania, though I can see him walking out of Elimination Chamber with the title. Whether it be as a thank you for all of his hard work or sympathy for his mother’s passing (my condolences go out to him and his family), I could see a day or week reign for The King. I’m not saying I’d like it, but it’s a possibility.

On the other hand, this could easily be happening to give Miz something to do between now and Wrestlemania, without having him fight in the Chamber. Considering his character is the sniveling champion who always sneaks his way to a victory, holding the gold up until Wrestlemania, without any road blocks, would only make him losing the title that much sweeter for the audience. Having him brag about beating a legend would only make it better.

Final Prediction: The Miz


Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio

Why this match isn’t for the Intercontinental Championship is beyond me. Outside of WWE wanting ADR to win, but keeping the title on Kingston, it doesn’t make a lick of sense for the gold to not be on the line. Del Rio already has a non-title victory over the champ. Why do it again for nothing? If he were to win the championship, that would make his World title match much more interesting, especially if it’s title for title. The last time we had one of those at Wrestlemania was at Wrestlemania VI, a whole 21 years ago. I say we’re due for another one.

Even if they didn’t want that to happen, they could always put the title on the line and have Kofi retain. It wouldn’t halt ADR’s push if it were via a roll-up or Alberto getting himself disqualified, a la Brock Lesnar vs. Rob Van Dam at Vengeance 2002. This could still very well happen, even without the title on the line. Still, it would be much more interesting if it were up for grabs.

Final Prediction: Alberto Del Rio


WWE Tag Team Championship: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov (champs) vs. Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel (The Corre)

How many times have we seen this match? It’s happened twice on PPV (Survivor Series and TLC) and numerous times on television. Hell, just last night on Smackdown the teams went toe(s)-to-toe(s), with the champions coming out on top. I’ve got nothing against either team (I like them both) and think they’ve had some mildly entertaining matches. But, I’d rather some new challengers face the champions.

Then again, there’s not many other teams in the WWE. Outside of the champions, The Corre and The Nexus, the other teams are random pairings on Superstars. Zack Ryder Primo are the only two who have been making an effort, yet WWE lets them go by unnoticed. There’s also The Usos, but nobody takes them as a threat.

Though it’d be good momentum for The Corre to have the tag team titles with them, I don’t see Koztino dropping them anytime soon. They’re massively over and don’t have much else to do. I don’t see them dropping the gold until Daniel Bryan and Derrick Bateman become an official team. That is if Bateman wins NXT Season 4 (I have my fingers crossed). Until them, I expect the gold to stay around the waists of Santino and Kozlov.

Final Prediction: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov

One last thing I’d like to do before wrapping this article up. I’ve always had fun in trying to predict the card order of the upcoming PPV. What I mean by this is to guess which order the matches will take place. It’s nothing important or special (which sums up this blog perfectly), but always fun to do. Since this is a prediction article, I figured it’d be a good idea to add it to the mix.

Card Order Prediction:

1. Elimination Chamber Match to Determine the #1 Contender for the WWE Championship: John Cena vs. John Morrison vs. Randy Orton vs. CM Punk vs. King Sheamus vs. R-Truth

2. WWE Tag Team Championship: Koztino vs. The Corre

3. Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio

4. WWE Championship: The Miz vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler

5. Elimination Chamber Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge vs. Wade Barrett vs. Kane vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Rey Mysterio vs. ???

Dana Carvey on Saturday Night Live (2/5/11)

Dana Carvey on SNL (2/5/11)



Sometimes I wish I was born ten years earlier. A lot of my interests are focused on relics from the 80’s, when I wasn’t even conceived yet, or the early 90’s, when I was but a wee little lad (also, my parents were leprechauns, apparently). A good example would be that the late 80’s-mid 90’s SNL is my favorite time series of the show, despite that I never watched those episodes when they aired (I have since been able to thanks to Netflix). My SNL days didn’t come until early the early Naughties (2000’s), when the likes of Will Ferrell and Jimmy Fallon were top players. Even so, the likes of Adam Sandler, Jon Lovitz, Kevin Nealon, Mike Meyers, Chris Farley, Norm MacDonald, David Spade, Phil Hartman, Al Franken, Jan Hooks, Chris Rock, Michael McKean, Janeane Garofalo, Molly Shannon and Tim Meadows (though the last two stayed on for awhile, giving me a chance to see them in my time) are amongst my favorites.

Oh, and Dana Carvey, of course. The man who was once labeled as the future of comedy, who has unfortunately since floundered since his departure. Not that he crashed and burned, as he had quite a few string of films in the 90’s, as well as his own show. The Naughties, however, haven’t seen much activity out of the once-revered SNL cast member, outside of “The Master of Disguise”. The less said about that film the better.


Just act like it never happened, Mr. Carvey.

This was most likely due to raising a family, which is admirable. He came out of the woodwork every now and then to host “Saturday Night Live”, including last night. February is starting off with a bang with the return of one of SNL’s most coveted cast members. He’s brought along a few friends for the ride.

Let’s start with the cold opening. I’m guessing it’ll be either a political jab or a Super Bowl skit. Normally, I’d lean towards the former, since SNL loves it’s political humor (more so now than ever). With the Super Bowl being the next night, I’m sticking with the latter. Here’s hoping it’ll be…


HOLY SHIT!!! WAYNE’S WORLD!!!

That’s right, folks! Dana Carvey brought along his good pal, Mike Myers, to reprise their roles as Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar. I still have both VHS copies of the two films, with the first one being played heavily throughout the years. Needless to say, seeing them opening an SNL episode in 2011 is surreal. With that being said, my prediction of a Super Bowl cold opening can still be accurate.

Nope! Wayne and Garth focus their attention on the upcoming Oscar Ceremony, which is right up my alley. They tear through the likes of “127 Hours”, “The King’s Speech”, “Toy Story 3” and “Black Swan”. Garth makes a remark about Natalie Portman, stating he’d like to “Mila her Kunis.” When did my friends start writing this show? The two also make cracks at hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway, with another boner joke regarding the latter (I’m not criticizing, by the way). They also have a running gag surrounding a lesser known nominee.


You can guess where this is going.

More boner jokes, more laughs from me. Screw you, I like toilet humor and juvenile jokes, when done right. This is one of those times. All the guys had to do to make me laugh was look into the camera and, with a deadpan expression, say, “Winter’s Bone”. It helped that they kept giving their predictions to the movie, despite not seeing it.

They eventually close the segment by predicting that “The Social Network” will win the Oscar for best picture. NOT! Their actual prediction is, “Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!” Wait a minute! That’s not even a candidate. Are you telling me this catchphrase is so damn good that it’s going to sweep the Oscars, despite not being nominated?


You sly dog, you!

Ignoring my lame attempt at comedy, the show officially opens with Dana Carvey’s monologue. He mentions that his two teenage sons are in the audience, doing an impression of the two on their reaction to him hosting. It’s basically the average ‘teens are embarrassed by their parents’ spiel, which isn’t going to help him win them over. He then proceeds to declare his tenure, cast and crew as the best of “Saturday Night Live”, breaking into song. When Andy Samberg comes out to challenge him on the accusation, an old friend comes to the rescue.


JON MOTHERFUCKIN’ LOVITZ!

First Mike Myers, now Jon Lovitz. Oh, Dana Carvey, you spoil us! The two finish the song and dance number, introduce Linkin Park as the musical guest and begin the show. The first sketch doesn’t involve Carvey, so I’ll skip it (sorry, Kenan Thompson).

What does Dana Carvey have in store for us? Will Wayne’s World be the only revived skit tonight, or will Carvey dust off another relic. Here’s hoping it’s not a Ross Perot or George Bush impression. Those were great, but are outdated now. Not that this would prevent Carvey from doing them. Did he or didn’t he? That is the question.


She kind of looks like Ross Perot.

Church Chat returns, with Church Lady lambasting today’s deviants! MTV takes a beating, with shows like “16 and Pregnant” and “Skins” being rightfully trashed. I got a kick out of “Skins” being referred to as ‘Sportscenter for Pedophiles’. Her first guests are The Kardashians, with Kim’s ass being the subject of ridicule (go figure). Out next is Snooki, with Bobby Moynihan once again portraying the Rat Queen to perfection. The third and final guest is…


I can hear you screaming in anger.

I’ve got nothing against Justin Bieber. His music isn’t my taste, but he hasn’t done anything to offend me. The closest was a news story of him snubbing his fans, but I believe that was proven to be false (that’s the paparazzi for you, folks). I may make jokes about him, but I hold nothing against the kid. He’s taken his love of music and became successful off of it. He’s living the American Dream, which, of course, leads to bashing and unfortunate threats. As for me, I say congratulations! Just don’t screw it up!

Here, however, I had a problem. Not so much with him (he did fine for what he was given), but the joke itself. Church Lady praises Justin for his clean-cut image, only to begin getting the hots for him. That’s right, Church Lady has a crush on Justin Bieber. If that wasn’t creepy enough, she talks to God, who claims that Bieber is his perfect creation. Thankfully, he talks her out of her urges and the two dance. At least it ended well.
Moving on, we get a spoof of all of the reality celebrity rehab shows. This one is of celebrities operating a hotline for teenagers, helping them with their problems. Dana Carvey reprised his Mickey Rooney impression and confuses the hell out of a caller.


Simple, but effective.

He’s outdone by Fred Armisen as Ice-T…



Who’s outdone by Abby Elliot as Anna Farris…



Who’s outdone by Jay Pharaoh as Eddie Murphy…



Who’s not outdone by anybody, because Jay Pharaoh is the best new cast member on SNL! I’d go so far as to claim him as the best current member overall, but Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis and Andy Samberg all give him a run for his money (though I do feel he’s eclipsed Samberg). I feel this man will be the future of SNL, as well as comedy. His impressions are fantastic, demeanor excellent and humor superb! He’s a lot like Dana Carvey, actually. Here’s hoping his post-SNL success is much better.

I’ll ignore Dana Carvey a little bit more, as Weekend Update is up next. I’d skip it, since Carvey isn’t featured (he’s the reason I’m writing this article, nothing against SNL). But, it is a focal point of the show, so a quick rundown is necessary. Seth Meyers makes a few jokes about Egypt and Charlie Sheen, with them being middling at best. Meyers can be funny, but his material (which he wrote) isn’t always the best. When it is, though, he can be hysterical!

His first guest is James Franco, performed by Paul Brittain. The impression is spot-on, with the joke being that Franco will do anything. Drive a cab, be a greeter, be a janitor, etc. He even tries to read the news, until Seth Meyers intervenes. It may sound dull, but I found it to be quite clever. Franco seems to never stop working, which is admirable but also questionable. I myself have made jokes on the topic.

The next guest is Angelo Dixon, a disco-star turned meteorologist. The joke goes over as well as Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem. Maybe it sounded good on paper (I highly doubt that), but it doesn’t work in reality. Kristen Wiig tries her best, but it simply doesn’t work. It also seems to drag on. Thankfully, Seth Meyers shortly wraps up Weekend Update. Not before we get his nightmare fuel…


Even in context, that’s frightening!

Now back to Dana Carvey! Wait, there’s one more skit not involving him. I’d skip over it, but it has a special guest from earlier. Justin Bieber! Were you expecting Jon Lovitz and/or Mike Myers? It’s a digital short spoofing the new movie, “The Roommate”, with Justin Bieber going to college and getting a new roommate. That roommate:


Good luck sleeping tonight.

I’ll give Justin Bieber credit. I may not have been fond of him on Church Chat (thought that wasn’t his fault), but he was aces here. He plays off Samberg’s wacky antics well, even delivering a few funny lines. My favorite is when his mother calls and asks him about his roommate. “I think he’s going to murder me.” I’m not saying he’s a terrific actor, but he played his part well last night.

Finally, we get back to Dana Carvey. After all this wait, we should be getting something good. Maybe another character revival. Even better, a new skit that delivers laughs. Maybe throw him into one of the current member’s running skits. I’d love to see the return of Vinny Vedecci, with Dana Carvey as his guest. What treat do we receive?


Dana Carvey and Kenan Thompson as 11-Year-Old Beauty Pageant hosts.

That could be pulled off. It may not sound great, but it’s got enough fuel to ignite a fire. Given that both Carvey and Thompson are involved, we can possibly get something special. What’s that, it’s just a stupid sketch that goes nowhere? Ah, crap! Too bad that the writers felt that dressing up the women as 11-Year-Old’s was going to be funny. Since that didn’t work, maybe Andy Samberg will.


Damn it, SNL! Why don’t you want me to sleep?

Dana Carvey gets back on the right track with his next, and final, skit. He, along with Fred Armisen, Bill Hader and Paul Brittain, are an alternative band performing at a bar before the Super Bowl. This may sound even worse than the above sketch, but it’s actually funny. The band is out of place, only getting the gig because of Dana’s brother-in-law (who’s the bartender). They also pick the worst time to perform, right as the Super Bowl is starting off. Also, they look like this:


The Black Eyed Peas have some stiff competition.

Thus ends Dana Carvey hosting Saturday Night Live. It was a mix of nostalgia, current trends and Justin Bieber. Sounds like your average Youtube video. It may not have been the greatest (the Jeff Bridges episode was superior), but I had a lot of fun. I was ecstatic to see Wayne’s World return and was surprised that Justin Bieber made me laugh, on purpose no less. Maybe Mike Myers and Jon Lovitz will get hosting duties in the near future. Here’s hoping so!

Killjoy 3 Review

Killjoy 3



It’s been awhile since I’ve seen the first two Killjoy films. Not since 2003, to be exact, when I first started getting into horror films. At that point, I had a weird scavenger hunt going on. Whilst catching up on the classics such as Psycho and Frankenstein, I had a fascination in the outlandish. Anything involving killer dolls or evil clowns automatically grabbed my attention. Once I seen the Double Feature DVD of the Killjoy flicks, I snatched it up!

The only thing I remember about the films (outside of Killjoy, of course) is that I hated them! I know I found them boring and groan inducing, but can’t quite remember what made them so. I assumed Killjoy himself was an annoying character and that all of the kills, the main selling point, were forgettable and lame. I know for a fact I was right on that last point, considering my predicament.

When I seen a third movie was made, I felt strangely compelled to watch it. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, as I seem to have a fetish for bad films. I’m drawn to them like flies on a rib roast. It’s like a car accident, that being you can’t look away.


I blame those rib-hungry flies for this.

After viewing Killjoy 3, I think I can come to a conclusion as to why I hated the first two. My assumptions were correct; Killjoy’s an annoying Pennywise clone, the kills are insubstantial and the script is filled to the rim with plot holes. John Lechago seems to make the rules up as he goes along, contradicting elements from earlier in the film. It leaves you begging questions as opposed to focusing on the story.


Did he write this rule book, as well?

Not that there’s much of a story here. Killjoy is a demon clown who can be summoned for revenge. All you have to pay him in return is your blood (which resurrects him) and a victim. Also, your soul is apart of the package, but it’s in the fine print that nobody reads. A professor (Darrow Igus) summons Bozo the Clown’s long lost brother, only to trick him and seal him inside a mirror. Why a mirror?


“Why not?”

In all actuality, he’s trapped in his realm. For reasons unknown, he’s able to drag victims into this world via a mirror. I wonder if Marsha Brady had this power. He can also hop into our world, but won’t capture his victim’s soul unless their in his playground. Don’t ask questions, just go with it. That’s what got me through this movie.


“Won’t you be my neighbor?”

Ten years after being imprisoned, his magical mirror appears on the porch of the Professor’s house. As luck would have it, he’s out of town and has put one of his students on house-sitting duty. Why any professor would allow a college student to watch over his house is beyond me. You’re basically giving them an invitation to throw a party.

Which is exactly what Erica (Olivia Dawn Yorke) and her friends, Rojer (Michael Rupnow), Sandy (Jessica Whitaker) and Zilla (Spiral Jackson), do. That’s right, one of the characters is named Zilla. No signs of this being a nickname, but being presented as his actual name. As for the question that I know is in your head, they do make Godzilla jokes.

Seems as if he didn’t take the God out of Godzilla, after all.

Despite a bad name, Zilla is a likable guy. You could argue that all four of the characters are likable, though I’d make an issue over Erica. The problem is none of them are given anything to work with. There’s no reason for us to care about them, as the dialogue they’re given makes them sound like idiots. I call this the standard slasher method. Create characters nobody cares about, that way nobody feels bad when they die. Even then, you have to have one protagonist who’s worth rooting for. Killjoy 3 has none.

To give you an example of the poor writing, all of the characters seem to know who Killjoy is, only to act as if they’ve never heard of him a few minutes later. After coming back from his first visit from Killjoy’s realm, Zilla mentions he’s seen Killjoy. Rojer acts shocked, only to question who the hell he is a few minutes later. This happens throughout the duration of the film, dragging the film down.

John Lechago seems to do this a lot with his script, adding meaningless conversations to keep the film moving. It’s as if the script was only ten pages long and he told the cast to improvise. The film feels it, as the only sequences that are given any effort are the wacky scenarios that take place in Killjoy’s realm. Clown boxing, human feast and clown on human erotica are all ideas that were floating around in Lechago’s head, all in need of substance.


Don’t you want to see this clown get it on?

If you’re wondering, Killjoy doesn’t partake in all of these practices (though he does nearly get his groove on). He has three henchman that helps him do his bidding. Punchy the Clown (Al Burke), whose duties should be clear; Freakshow (Tai Chan Ngo), a clown who has a clown baby attached to him; and Batty Boop (Victoria De Mare), who serves as Killjoy’s girlfriend/assistant. Can you guess who she’s named after?


I always thought Betty Boop would make for a good psychotic clown.

None of them seem to serve much of a purpose, outside of adding more clowns to the mix. Punchy at least does his shtick during one sequence, while Freakshow seems to serve about as much purpose as Rob Schneider in an Adam Sandler comedy. Batty Boop fares the best, as she gets the most screen time. However, she never once swings a bat, deeming her name worthless. You’d think Lechago would at least follow up on that “clever” name.


They also serve as Killjoy’s news team.

Lechago never follows up on anything, really. He constantly sets up kill sequences, only to have the victims survive for another few minutes. Killjoy seems to take his sweet old time in offing his prey, which would be fine if he salivated in their fear. The fact that he keeps bitching that he wants to kill throws this theory out the window. If you want and need to kill, then do so when the opportunity appears. Stop pussyfooting around and get the job done already!

Killjoy 3 only lasts 78 minutes, but only 18 of those matter. The other hour is spent with Killjoy making dumb jokes, the protagonists acting dumb and the supporting clowns standing around waiting for something to do. Even the 18 minutes that actually accomplishes something and moves the story along is boring and convoluted. Once the credits rolled, I had a headache from all of the absurdity. Here’s hoping I forget about this one just like I did with the first two.

WWE Royal Rumble 2011 Recap

WWE Royal Rumble 2011 Recap



Ever have a wrestling show that, for the most part, is decent to mildly enjoyable, until the end? I don’t mean the ending ruined the show, but saved it. Fine, saved is a bad choice of word. Elevated it is more like it. It took a show that you enjoyed, but didn’t love and catapulted it into being worth your hard earned money. Royal Rumble 2011 is that PPV!

From the first match to the Rumble itself, this year’s Royal Rumble was a fine show, but nothing special. The first match came close to blowing it out of the water immediately, but understandably took the high road. The second match was good and made the right choice, though wasn’t anything we haven’t seen before. The third match was filler, doing it’s part (though it deserved better). The Royal Rumble match, the biggest one so far, was a mixed bag, until the end. More on that later, though.


World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (champion) def. Dolph Ziggler w/Vickie Guerrero

This was the perfect match to open the show! Both men worked their asses off to get the crowd on fire, eventually doing so. It took a little awhile, as the crowd seemed a bit dead in the beginning (a recurring problem throughout the night). For me, I was hooked from the opening bell.

Ziggler took it to Edge, pulling out everything he had in his arsenal. Same goes for The Rated R Superstar, who’s patented spear was banned from the match (thanks to current GM stand-in, Vickie Guerrero). As I said in my recap, this shouldn’t have been a problem, as Edge had many other signature maneuvers to put away Ziggler.

Though they didn’t put the challenger away, they sure as hell weakened him down. Both the Edgecution and Edgucator were utilized, with the Edgecution nearly winning it. He folded Ziggler up like an accordion, pounding away at his midsection to inflict more damage. Luckily for Dolph, he was able to get to the ropes for the break.

Shortly after, he dished out his fameasser (which was at one point reversed into a power bomb) and sleeper hold, with the latter coming very close to putting away the champion. It’s nice to see submissions being used well tonight. Once that didn’t work, Vickie inserted herself into the match, distracting Edge. Kelly Kelly randomly came out and attacked Vickie, which makes me wonder why she’d chastise Drew McIntyre for doing it to Trent Baretta, but duplicating the actions herself. What a hypocrite!

Anyway, this distraction led to the Zig Zag. For a split second, it seemed as if Ziggler was going to win the World title. Unfortunately for him, Edge kicked out right before the three. Dolph retaliated by once again locking in the sleeper hold. Edge once again seemed out of it, only to pull through and hoist Ziggler onto his shoulders, giving him a piggyback ride. In the midst of this, he inadvertently clocked the referee.

Being the Ultimate Opportunist, he took advantage of this and nailed the Spear. Instead of immediately going for the cover, he feigned injury while the ref revived. Once he was back to his feet, Edge slowly but surely picked Dolph off the mat and hit his buddy Christian’s finisher, the Killswitch, and got the victory.

Final Thoughts: A damn good match and a great way to kick off the show! Here’s hoping Ziggler doesn’t move back down the card.


WWE Championship: The Miz (champion) w/Alex Riley def. Randy Orton

I’ll be honest with you folks. I didn’t watch this entire match. It’s not because I wasn’t interested in it. On the contrary, I was excited to see this match. My fear of Orton winning back the title made me more anxious for it than I should have been, especially considering I’m still scorned over the fact that Morrison wasn’t challenging him instead. The reason being is that my dog had to use the bathroom, and took forever to do so. I had a fear this was going to happen.

I was able to stand by the door and listen in on the match. My buddies also fed me the happenings (whilst screwing with me), which helped out majorly. I only missed the first few minutes, which seemed like the standard routine. Orton beats on Miz, Riley interferes, Miz gets some offense in, Randy retaliates, etc.

Once I came back in, the match played out exactly as I thought. They simply rewashed the same method from earlier. Orton beating on Miz, Riley interferes, Miz gets some offense in, Randy retaliates, etc. Orton seemed destined to win until the New Nexus showed up. David Otunga, Michael McGillicutty, Husky Harris and Mason Ryan stood outside the ring, staring intently at Orton. Riley once again interfered, but had it backfire and was sent flying into the Nexus.

Miz struck from behind, but Orton dodged a Skull Crushing Finale and nailed the RKO. Before he could go for the cover, CM Punk hit the ring and knocked him out with the GTS (the ref was distracted on the outside). He dragged Miz on top of his prone body, giving him the victory. They never explained it (maybe on Raw tomorrow night), but I think the plan was simple. Have the “beatable” champion retain and have an easier opponent to face at Wrestlemania.

Final Thoughts: Your average Miz/Orton match. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as the two gel well together. Problem is we’ve seen it over and over again the past few weeks, making this match redundant and stale. Still viewable, though.


WWE Diva’s Championship: Eve Torres def. Natalya (champion), Michelle McCool & Layla

Disregard the picture above. Before the contest began, the RAW GM changed the match to a Fatal Four Way and randomly inserted Eve Torres into the mix (despite not really having a reason to be in it, outside of being a former champion). I could have found a picture from WWE.com, but opted to stick with the original one I had. Why? To save time. Besides, this match didn’t really matter, outside of the title change.

Which is a shame, as all four competitors are great athletes and deserved much better. I preferred this over another 2-on-1 Handicap match, but felt it was too confusing. Not the rules, mind you, but Eve Torres inclusion. I was expecting a debuting Awesome Kong, especially since Cole only stated “…this following Diva.”

The match itself left a lot to be desired as well. Laycool teamed up against Eve and Natalya, all the while showing some tension in the group. Not enough to boil over, as they worked together for the duration of the match. The finish came when Eve hit a moonsault on Layla and got the victory. However, McCool had Natalya rolled up on the other side of the ring, which the ref didn’t see. I thought she made her pinfall first, meaning a restart of controversy would surface. Upon the replay and my friends’ input, it was clear that Eve got her pinfall first. Therefore, that theory has been thrown out the window.

Final Thoughts: The fact that my recap of the match was short is an indicator on how poorly this match was booked. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, considering this is the WWE’s women’s division, after all. It seemed as if they were making progress over the past few months, especially at TLC with the first ever Divas Tables Match. As it seems now, it was all for naught.


Royal Rumble Match: Alberto Del Rio wins, last eliminating Santino Marella

No, you didn’t read that wrong. The final two men in the Royal Rumble were Alberto Del Rio and Santino Marella. To be fair, it seemed as if the final two were Del Rio and Orton (who, just like Ziggler, slithered his way into this match), with Del Rio eliminating Orton and seemingly winning. However, Santino was never eliminated. He was simply knocked out cold on the outside, having gone under the ropes, not over them. Therefore, he was still in the match.

When he re-entered, he hit the Cobra on an unsuspecting Alberto Del Rio. He followed this up by celebrating as if he had already won the match, with me, my buddies and the crowd marking like crazy. I was pulling for Del Rio (he was one of my picks to win, after all), but couldn’t help but be ecstatic at the thought of Marella winning. Given the crowd’s response, it could have been pulled off well. Storyline wise, no, but reaction wise, yes.

This didn’t happen, as Del Rio tossed him over the top rope when Santino finally decided to discard of him. This didn’t tarnish Del Rio’s victory, even if he was only in for an upwards of ten minutes (if that). He entered at #38, slowly making his way to the ring (after driving his car out). Once in, he fought with the big names such as Cena, Mysterio, Kane and Barrett, before eliminating Orton. All in all, he looked fantastic!

Since you’ve been anxiously awaiting a full explanation of the mixed bag comment earlier, I’ll explain. It’s clear that Del Rio winning (and Santino almost pulling off an upset) was the saving grace. What it was saving, so to speak, is still a mystery. And yes, I’m purposely dragging this out to the next paragraph. Don’t like it, go ahead and sue me. Actually, please don’t. I have so very little!

The match started out fine, with Punk drawing #1 and a Corre member seemingly drawing #2. Instead, all four members jumped the ring, attacking the Straight Edge Savior. The rest of the New Nexus hit the ring and a huge brawl ensued. The Raw GM announced that none of the Corre or New Nexus members, outside of Punk, were legally in the match at the time. Therefore, they must head to the back or be ejected from the Rumble. Once they leave, we discover Daniel Bryan has drawn #2 (I was close).

A dream match in the WWE for many independent fans, these two started the match off well. They lasted for a good while, as the New Nexus started to pour into the ring. The likes of John Morrison and Mark Henry also came out, giving them competition. Eventually, they all eliminated their foes (sans Husky, who was eliminated earlier). I was pissed that Morrison was eliminated so early, as he was my top pick (we did get to see him use his Parkour to save himself from elimination at one point). It got worse, though.

I didn’t mind the New Nexus annihilating and quickly eliminating a few new entrants. People like Tyler Reks could take the beating for all I cared. I was actually enjoying this moment, but was fearing it was going to go on for too long. It didn’t quite hit that fear, but did step upon one I didn’t expect to happen.

Booker T returned as a surprise entrant (possibly for one night only), only to be quickly be discarded by the New Nexus. He did get a lot of offense on them, including hitting his respective finishers (the Book End and Scissors Kick), as well as performing a Spin-a-rooni. After that, though, CM Punk and his comrades tossed him over, before the next entrant even came out. There was no reason to not have Booker last longer in the Rumble, especially given the huge pop he had received (and this was from a relatively quite crowd).

Out next to save the day was John Cena, who quickly dispatched of Mason Ryan, Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga. I’m not one to complain over this too much, but this bugged me. Why couldn’t Booker have stayed in to help him, or at least had eliminated McGillicutty or Otunga before being ejected? I was able to overlook this, as Punk and Cena went at it as the next entrant came out.

That man would be Hornswoggle. I’m not much of a fan of this guy, only laughing at a few of his routines. I will state that I loved his performance here, though, which is easily his best work to date. He hung around Cena and Kofi Kingston (who would come out shortly), mimicking their signature moves, as well as nailing his tadpole splash. For the most part, he kept to the side and watched in amazement.
In the midst of all of this, Cena easily dumped Punked shortly after Hornswoggle entered. He did it relatively easy, as well. Granted, Punk had been in since the beginning and Cena was an early twenty entrant (can’t remember the exact number, sorry). Punk has survived longer in other Rumbles and hadn’t taken too much damage, thanks to the New Nexus protecting him. Even then, my biggest gripe is that they didn’t drag the two dueling out. That’s essentially my only problem.

The match started to pick back up (after a few quick eliminations), with men like Sheamus and Jackson entering the match. Another huge surprise came in the form of Kevin Nash, who was donning his Diesel gimmick. That’s right, he entered as Big Daddy Cool, not himself. I’m not a big fan, but I admit I marked. Just like Booker T, he didn’t last long, though he did get in some good offense. Sheamus eliminated him after he and Barrett had continually gone at it. A possible match between the two if Taker can’t come back for Wrestlemania?

If you’re anxiously awaiting the return of Triple H, then you’re going to be disappointed. He never showed up, leaving his return to be at a Raw or the Elimination Chamber. That, or he doesn’t return at all, giving Sheamus the honor of being the man who retired the King of Kings. This would be a great rub for an already established Sheamus.

This basically sums up the Rumble match, sans one big moment. The Miz came down and did commentary for the match when his ally, Alex Riley, entered the Rumble. He stuck around long after his partner was eliminated, scouting his potential competition. He showed his true colors when he snuck into the ring and eliminated John Cena. I’m now convinced these two are facing off at Mania.

As for Orton and Punk, they can face each other. With Punk screwing Orton over, they have a vendetta on an already built-up feud (their history in 2008 and Orton’s altercations with Nexus). This became yet another reason why Punk’s elimination was a bad idea. Orton should have slithered his way in to eliminate Punk, then set his sights on winning the Rumble (though he never should have been entered in the first place). With Punk being long gone, his appearance seemed completely random, though I did think it was coming down to him and Orton at one point. Thankfully, that never happened.

Final Thoughts: Alberto Del Rio winning the Royal Rumble helped make this PPV much better than it had any right to be. That includes the Rumble, which had it’s share of ups and downs. The extra ten men elevated the excitement as well, making the match feel even more like an epic. I say stick with the 40-man shtick, as it’s highly entertaining. I was also glad to see the 90 second intervals stay intact, making the match longer and keeping the flow going.

As for the undercard, Edge/Ziggler is the only truly memorable match. Miz/Orton was decent at best, suffering from a routine set-up. The Fatal Four Way Women’s match was unfortunately lackluster, cementing it’s status as filler.

Still, the Royal Rumble, along with it’s huge winner, made this an entertaining event that’s on par, if not a bit better, than last year’s event.