WWE Royal Rumble 2011 Recap

WWE Royal Rumble 2011 Recap



Ever have a wrestling show that, for the most part, is decent to mildly enjoyable, until the end? I don’t mean the ending ruined the show, but saved it. Fine, saved is a bad choice of word. Elevated it is more like it. It took a show that you enjoyed, but didn’t love and catapulted it into being worth your hard earned money. Royal Rumble 2011 is that PPV!

From the first match to the Rumble itself, this year’s Royal Rumble was a fine show, but nothing special. The first match came close to blowing it out of the water immediately, but understandably took the high road. The second match was good and made the right choice, though wasn’t anything we haven’t seen before. The third match was filler, doing it’s part (though it deserved better). The Royal Rumble match, the biggest one so far, was a mixed bag, until the end. More on that later, though.


World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (champion) def. Dolph Ziggler w/Vickie Guerrero

This was the perfect match to open the show! Both men worked their asses off to get the crowd on fire, eventually doing so. It took a little awhile, as the crowd seemed a bit dead in the beginning (a recurring problem throughout the night). For me, I was hooked from the opening bell.

Ziggler took it to Edge, pulling out everything he had in his arsenal. Same goes for The Rated R Superstar, who’s patented spear was banned from the match (thanks to current GM stand-in, Vickie Guerrero). As I said in my recap, this shouldn’t have been a problem, as Edge had many other signature maneuvers to put away Ziggler.

Though they didn’t put the challenger away, they sure as hell weakened him down. Both the Edgecution and Edgucator were utilized, with the Edgecution nearly winning it. He folded Ziggler up like an accordion, pounding away at his midsection to inflict more damage. Luckily for Dolph, he was able to get to the ropes for the break.

Shortly after, he dished out his fameasser (which was at one point reversed into a power bomb) and sleeper hold, with the latter coming very close to putting away the champion. It’s nice to see submissions being used well tonight. Once that didn’t work, Vickie inserted herself into the match, distracting Edge. Kelly Kelly randomly came out and attacked Vickie, which makes me wonder why she’d chastise Drew McIntyre for doing it to Trent Baretta, but duplicating the actions herself. What a hypocrite!

Anyway, this distraction led to the Zig Zag. For a split second, it seemed as if Ziggler was going to win the World title. Unfortunately for him, Edge kicked out right before the three. Dolph retaliated by once again locking in the sleeper hold. Edge once again seemed out of it, only to pull through and hoist Ziggler onto his shoulders, giving him a piggyback ride. In the midst of this, he inadvertently clocked the referee.

Being the Ultimate Opportunist, he took advantage of this and nailed the Spear. Instead of immediately going for the cover, he feigned injury while the ref revived. Once he was back to his feet, Edge slowly but surely picked Dolph off the mat and hit his buddy Christian’s finisher, the Killswitch, and got the victory.

Final Thoughts: A damn good match and a great way to kick off the show! Here’s hoping Ziggler doesn’t move back down the card.


WWE Championship: The Miz (champion) w/Alex Riley def. Randy Orton

I’ll be honest with you folks. I didn’t watch this entire match. It’s not because I wasn’t interested in it. On the contrary, I was excited to see this match. My fear of Orton winning back the title made me more anxious for it than I should have been, especially considering I’m still scorned over the fact that Morrison wasn’t challenging him instead. The reason being is that my dog had to use the bathroom, and took forever to do so. I had a fear this was going to happen.

I was able to stand by the door and listen in on the match. My buddies also fed me the happenings (whilst screwing with me), which helped out majorly. I only missed the first few minutes, which seemed like the standard routine. Orton beats on Miz, Riley interferes, Miz gets some offense in, Randy retaliates, etc.

Once I came back in, the match played out exactly as I thought. They simply rewashed the same method from earlier. Orton beating on Miz, Riley interferes, Miz gets some offense in, Randy retaliates, etc. Orton seemed destined to win until the New Nexus showed up. David Otunga, Michael McGillicutty, Husky Harris and Mason Ryan stood outside the ring, staring intently at Orton. Riley once again interfered, but had it backfire and was sent flying into the Nexus.

Miz struck from behind, but Orton dodged a Skull Crushing Finale and nailed the RKO. Before he could go for the cover, CM Punk hit the ring and knocked him out with the GTS (the ref was distracted on the outside). He dragged Miz on top of his prone body, giving him the victory. They never explained it (maybe on Raw tomorrow night), but I think the plan was simple. Have the “beatable” champion retain and have an easier opponent to face at Wrestlemania.

Final Thoughts: Your average Miz/Orton match. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as the two gel well together. Problem is we’ve seen it over and over again the past few weeks, making this match redundant and stale. Still viewable, though.


WWE Diva’s Championship: Eve Torres def. Natalya (champion), Michelle McCool & Layla

Disregard the picture above. Before the contest began, the RAW GM changed the match to a Fatal Four Way and randomly inserted Eve Torres into the mix (despite not really having a reason to be in it, outside of being a former champion). I could have found a picture from WWE.com, but opted to stick with the original one I had. Why? To save time. Besides, this match didn’t really matter, outside of the title change.

Which is a shame, as all four competitors are great athletes and deserved much better. I preferred this over another 2-on-1 Handicap match, but felt it was too confusing. Not the rules, mind you, but Eve Torres inclusion. I was expecting a debuting Awesome Kong, especially since Cole only stated “…this following Diva.”

The match itself left a lot to be desired as well. Laycool teamed up against Eve and Natalya, all the while showing some tension in the group. Not enough to boil over, as they worked together for the duration of the match. The finish came when Eve hit a moonsault on Layla and got the victory. However, McCool had Natalya rolled up on the other side of the ring, which the ref didn’t see. I thought she made her pinfall first, meaning a restart of controversy would surface. Upon the replay and my friends’ input, it was clear that Eve got her pinfall first. Therefore, that theory has been thrown out the window.

Final Thoughts: The fact that my recap of the match was short is an indicator on how poorly this match was booked. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, considering this is the WWE’s women’s division, after all. It seemed as if they were making progress over the past few months, especially at TLC with the first ever Divas Tables Match. As it seems now, it was all for naught.


Royal Rumble Match: Alberto Del Rio wins, last eliminating Santino Marella

No, you didn’t read that wrong. The final two men in the Royal Rumble were Alberto Del Rio and Santino Marella. To be fair, it seemed as if the final two were Del Rio and Orton (who, just like Ziggler, slithered his way into this match), with Del Rio eliminating Orton and seemingly winning. However, Santino was never eliminated. He was simply knocked out cold on the outside, having gone under the ropes, not over them. Therefore, he was still in the match.

When he re-entered, he hit the Cobra on an unsuspecting Alberto Del Rio. He followed this up by celebrating as if he had already won the match, with me, my buddies and the crowd marking like crazy. I was pulling for Del Rio (he was one of my picks to win, after all), but couldn’t help but be ecstatic at the thought of Marella winning. Given the crowd’s response, it could have been pulled off well. Storyline wise, no, but reaction wise, yes.

This didn’t happen, as Del Rio tossed him over the top rope when Santino finally decided to discard of him. This didn’t tarnish Del Rio’s victory, even if he was only in for an upwards of ten minutes (if that). He entered at #38, slowly making his way to the ring (after driving his car out). Once in, he fought with the big names such as Cena, Mysterio, Kane and Barrett, before eliminating Orton. All in all, he looked fantastic!

Since you’ve been anxiously awaiting a full explanation of the mixed bag comment earlier, I’ll explain. It’s clear that Del Rio winning (and Santino almost pulling off an upset) was the saving grace. What it was saving, so to speak, is still a mystery. And yes, I’m purposely dragging this out to the next paragraph. Don’t like it, go ahead and sue me. Actually, please don’t. I have so very little!

The match started out fine, with Punk drawing #1 and a Corre member seemingly drawing #2. Instead, all four members jumped the ring, attacking the Straight Edge Savior. The rest of the New Nexus hit the ring and a huge brawl ensued. The Raw GM announced that none of the Corre or New Nexus members, outside of Punk, were legally in the match at the time. Therefore, they must head to the back or be ejected from the Rumble. Once they leave, we discover Daniel Bryan has drawn #2 (I was close).

A dream match in the WWE for many independent fans, these two started the match off well. They lasted for a good while, as the New Nexus started to pour into the ring. The likes of John Morrison and Mark Henry also came out, giving them competition. Eventually, they all eliminated their foes (sans Husky, who was eliminated earlier). I was pissed that Morrison was eliminated so early, as he was my top pick (we did get to see him use his Parkour to save himself from elimination at one point). It got worse, though.

I didn’t mind the New Nexus annihilating and quickly eliminating a few new entrants. People like Tyler Reks could take the beating for all I cared. I was actually enjoying this moment, but was fearing it was going to go on for too long. It didn’t quite hit that fear, but did step upon one I didn’t expect to happen.

Booker T returned as a surprise entrant (possibly for one night only), only to be quickly be discarded by the New Nexus. He did get a lot of offense on them, including hitting his respective finishers (the Book End and Scissors Kick), as well as performing a Spin-a-rooni. After that, though, CM Punk and his comrades tossed him over, before the next entrant even came out. There was no reason to not have Booker last longer in the Rumble, especially given the huge pop he had received (and this was from a relatively quite crowd).

Out next to save the day was John Cena, who quickly dispatched of Mason Ryan, Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga. I’m not one to complain over this too much, but this bugged me. Why couldn’t Booker have stayed in to help him, or at least had eliminated McGillicutty or Otunga before being ejected? I was able to overlook this, as Punk and Cena went at it as the next entrant came out.

That man would be Hornswoggle. I’m not much of a fan of this guy, only laughing at a few of his routines. I will state that I loved his performance here, though, which is easily his best work to date. He hung around Cena and Kofi Kingston (who would come out shortly), mimicking their signature moves, as well as nailing his tadpole splash. For the most part, he kept to the side and watched in amazement.
In the midst of all of this, Cena easily dumped Punked shortly after Hornswoggle entered. He did it relatively easy, as well. Granted, Punk had been in since the beginning and Cena was an early twenty entrant (can’t remember the exact number, sorry). Punk has survived longer in other Rumbles and hadn’t taken too much damage, thanks to the New Nexus protecting him. Even then, my biggest gripe is that they didn’t drag the two dueling out. That’s essentially my only problem.

The match started to pick back up (after a few quick eliminations), with men like Sheamus and Jackson entering the match. Another huge surprise came in the form of Kevin Nash, who was donning his Diesel gimmick. That’s right, he entered as Big Daddy Cool, not himself. I’m not a big fan, but I admit I marked. Just like Booker T, he didn’t last long, though he did get in some good offense. Sheamus eliminated him after he and Barrett had continually gone at it. A possible match between the two if Taker can’t come back for Wrestlemania?

If you’re anxiously awaiting the return of Triple H, then you’re going to be disappointed. He never showed up, leaving his return to be at a Raw or the Elimination Chamber. That, or he doesn’t return at all, giving Sheamus the honor of being the man who retired the King of Kings. This would be a great rub for an already established Sheamus.

This basically sums up the Rumble match, sans one big moment. The Miz came down and did commentary for the match when his ally, Alex Riley, entered the Rumble. He stuck around long after his partner was eliminated, scouting his potential competition. He showed his true colors when he snuck into the ring and eliminated John Cena. I’m now convinced these two are facing off at Mania.

As for Orton and Punk, they can face each other. With Punk screwing Orton over, they have a vendetta on an already built-up feud (their history in 2008 and Orton’s altercations with Nexus). This became yet another reason why Punk’s elimination was a bad idea. Orton should have slithered his way in to eliminate Punk, then set his sights on winning the Rumble (though he never should have been entered in the first place). With Punk being long gone, his appearance seemed completely random, though I did think it was coming down to him and Orton at one point. Thankfully, that never happened.

Final Thoughts: Alberto Del Rio winning the Royal Rumble helped make this PPV much better than it had any right to be. That includes the Rumble, which had it’s share of ups and downs. The extra ten men elevated the excitement as well, making the match feel even more like an epic. I say stick with the 40-man shtick, as it’s highly entertaining. I was also glad to see the 90 second intervals stay intact, making the match longer and keeping the flow going.

As for the undercard, Edge/Ziggler is the only truly memorable match. Miz/Orton was decent at best, suffering from a routine set-up. The Fatal Four Way Women’s match was unfortunately lackluster, cementing it’s status as filler.

Still, the Royal Rumble, along with it’s huge winner, made this an entertaining event that’s on par, if not a bit better, than last year’s event.

WWE Royal Rumble 2011 Predictions

Royal Rumble 2011 Predictions



The Royal Rumble is my second favorite PPV of the year (with the first being Wrestlemania, of course). It’s the first stop on the Road to Wrestlemania, setting the tone for the event. The undercard title matches signal who will be going to ‘Mania as the champ (though the Elimination Chamber PPV has thrown a corkscrew in that theme). The main attraction, the Royal Rumble match itself, determines who goes to main event Wrestlemania and challenge for either the World or WWE Championship. It’s one of the most exciting nights of the year, coincidentally being in the first month. It sets the tone for the year.

This year, the tone is off the charts, as the stakes have been raised. For over twenty years, thirty men entered the Royal Rumble match. This year, an extra ten have been added, bringing the grand total to forty men (for those who aren’t good at simple math). This will no doubt be the longest Royal Rumble match in history (unless they change the time intervals), as well as being the biggest. Whoever wins will etch their name in history as the first person to win a forty man Rumble, which could make an up and coming superstar.

I’ve decided to throw in my picks this year, not just for the Rumble match, but the undercard contests as well. This year, the Rumble match is hard to predict, as a slew of wrestlers stand a good chance of winning it. I could say the same for the undercard matches, with each being unpredictable. That includes a certain one that seems to be a safe bet. More on that later, though.


WWE Diva’s Championship Handicap Match: Natalya (champion) vs. Lay cool (Layla & Michelle McCool)

How many times have we seen this match on PPV? I understand that Laycool have a rematch clause to use (though I hate the fact that former champions get an automatic rematch, though that’s a topic for another day), but it didn’t have to take place at the Royal Rumble. They could have had this take place on an episode of Smackdown and given Melina the title shot at the Rumble. I know her heel turn hasn’t been built well, but the match was a guaranteed showcase (which it was).

Instead, we’re stuck with another chapter in the Laycool saga. Why didn’t I refer to it as the Natalya/Laycool saga? Simply put, Laycool is the women’s division right now. Though there’s more women in the division (as evident by the champion not being named Layla or Michelle McCool), WWE seems intent on keeping these two as the focal point. Whether they’re feuding with Mickie James, Beth Phoenix or Natalya, the result is always the same: they come out on top.

Even when they lose, they seem to sneak their way back into title contention and steal the title again. I know this is the job of the heel, which I’m perfectly fine with. What I’m not okay with is it happening to each and every one of their challengers. I know Beth Phoenix came down with an injury and Mickie James was supposedly being punished (the Piggie James storyline was punishment enough, in my opinion). However, that doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s continually happening and shows no signs of stopping.

I’m hoping that if this is the case, they only win thanks to an interfering/debuting Awesome Kong. Since she’ll most likely debut as a heel (just like she did in TNA), it would make sense for her to be a hired bodyguard for Laycool. After all, they’ve been having their asses handed to them the past few weeks. A little protection wouldn’t hurt.

Another plus to this happening would be building towards a Beth Phoenix/Awesome Kong showdown at Wrestlemania. This is bound to happen eventually and would be a perfect fit for the biggest show of the year. As to where this leaves Natalya, I say have Awesome Kong take her out of action at Elimination Chamber, setting Beth Phoenix up for the save and eventual retribution.
This is the only way I want Laycool to win. If this doesn’t happen, then there’s no reason for them to win the title back. Natalya is doing a fine job as the champ and has fan support behind her. If they decide to hold off on Kong until after Wrestlemania, then I say build towards a Natalya/Phoenix match at Wrestlemania. Please, just leave Laycool out of it.

Final Prediction: Laycool wins (unfortunately)


World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler

This was the match I was referring to earlier regarding a safe bet. The common man would pick Edge as the victor, as would I. Dolph Ziggler, at this point, is the perennial Royal Rumble title challenger. A wrestler who isn’t quite at the level of World champion, but has since graduated to the upper midcard. This is the WWE’s way of flirting said superstar with the main event and seeing if they can hold their won. They’ve done it in the past with Razor Ramon, Hardcore Holly, Mark Henry, Mr. Kennedy, Umaga and Jeff Hardy, just to name a few. I know only Hardy went on to finally win the big one. However, that’s only because the other superstars fell wayside due to personal complications.

Razor Ramon left for WCW (though I still feel he deserved a WWE title reign before that); Mark Henry has floundered due to his limitations (though he did win the ECW Championship); Mr. Kennedy had a slew of injuries and personal problems that held him back; Umaga unfortunately passed. As for Hardcore Holly, he never deserved that championship match anyway.

Dolph Ziggler is different. Though I don’t see him winning the title at the Royal Rumble, I do see him being champ by year’s end. He’s an over heel with a tremendous repertoire and can sell any move perfectly. For those who have been relating him to Mr. Perfect, that pun was intended. Also, I agree with that comparison. He stands a great chance of holding gold in the WWE and possibly being one of the next big main eventers (even with the name).

I just don’t see it happening now. Not that it’s an impossibility. With Vickie Guerrero in his corner (and acting as GM while Teddy Long is out), it’s very likely he could walk out of Boston with the gold around his waste. I can easily see Vickie pulling all sorts of shenanigans to ensure her man walks away as champion. She’s already banned the Spear and seemingly has The Corre at her disposal. Add in that she could continually restart the match whenever Edge wins and there’s a damn good chance Ziggler can win.

Even so, pulling the trigger on Ziggler now isn’t smart. Though he’s over as a heel, he’s not quite main event level yet. This wouldn’t be so much of a problem if this were taking place in the summer. It’s not, however, but taking place two months before Wrestlemania. I just don’t see Ziggler walking into Mania as World Heavyweight Champion. I can’t even see him involved in the title match, unless it’s a multi-man match.

Even without the Spear, Edge has a slew of signatures and finishers he can use to put Ziggler away. The Edgucator and Edgecution quickly come to mind. Hell, he could hit the Spear when both the referee and Vickie Guerrero aren’t looking, stealing the victory. It is Edge’s style, after all. No matter what hurdles stand before him, I see Edge seizing an opportunity and retaining his title.

Final Prediction: Edge


WWE Championship: The Miz (champion) vs. Randy Orton

I really want to be able to say, without a doubt, that The Miz is walking out of Boston as WWE Champion. There’s no reason in my mind that he can’t hold the gold until Wrestlemania, or Elimination Chamber at the least. He’s one of the most hated heels in the WWE today, which makes for a great champion. Especially for Wrestlemania, as people will order the event to see the sniveling weasel finally get his comeuppance. With this being said, I should easily be able to say he’s walking away as champ.

It was much easier to say this when I thought John Morrison would be facing him, not Randy Orton. It seemed ideal, as Morrison had won a #1 Contender’s Ladder match against Sheamus last month at TLC. That would entail that he’d challenge for the gold at the Royal Rumble. Instead, he “cashes in” on the first Raw of the year, losing in valiant effort in a brutal Falls Count Anywhere match. Though this didn’t drop his stock, it didn’t help either. The same goes for his former partner.

Had Miz been facing Morrison at the Rumble, there would have been no doubt he’d walk away as champion. Not that Morrison isn’t ready to hold the gold (he most certainly is), but that Miz isn’t ready to drop the title. Morrison would have been a stepping stone in his legacy, with the Shaman of Sexy eventually getting his day of glory down the line.

With Randy Orton once again challenging for the title, I’m weary of Miz’s chances. For starters, there’s no reason for Orton to be challenging for the gold unless WWE has decided to rectify a misfire in their eyes. I know Miz hasn’t cleanly beaten him, but that’s kind of the point. He’s supposed to sneak his way to victory over a slew of faces, before the hero comes to save the day. Orton is not that person, at least not in this feud.

John Cena should be that person. To me, Cena/Miz is a money match at Mania. Both have mainstream appeal, one’s the most beloved in the company, the other the most hated. The feud writes itself. Still, I can see WWE dropping the ball and making Cena/Orton the main event. At the very least, having somebody else challenging Orton.

Add in the fact that Jerry Lawler has randomly inserted himself into this feud, all signs point towards an Orton title win. Unless Lawler is going to face Miz for the gold at Elimination Chamber, there’s no reason for the two to face off with the gold on the line, especially at Wrestlemania. Which is what I think they’re building towards, sadly. A career threatening match, with Lawler’s career on the line and no title up for grabs.

As much as I fear this, my prediction of Cena/Miz seems to be happening. For the past two weeks, the two have engaged in verbal battles, with Cena constantly putting Miz down as a Mania headliner. With him repeatedly stating “You can’t sell a Wrestlemania”, this leads me to believe that Miz will want to prove himself worthy. In the weeks leading up to the “Granddaddy of Them All”, he’d constantly take out Cena and any other wrestler in his path, proving he deserves his spot. In retaliation, Cena does his best to disprove of this theory.

I really hope this is what they’re building towards.

Final Prediction: The Miz


40-Man Royal Rumble Match

Instead of running down each and every competitor, I’m going to take my top five picks to win this year and explain why I’ve chosen them. The list will be in order from most likely to slight possibility.

1. John Morrison:
I’ve been contemplating on having Morrison as my top pick or not. There are a few other guys in the Rumble that stand a better chance at winning, which should shove Morrison down a few spots. However, I have a strong feeling he’s coming out on top.

For starters, the fact his title match was on Raw makes me believe they’ve changed their mind and would rather have him win the Rumble and headline Mania, as opposed to losing in the WWE Title match. Granted, he had to lose his title match anyway, but that was on Raw. This way, he’d be in the Rumble (without any shenanigans) and win the whole gang. Adding an extra ten this year would put him on the map.

The only problem with this prediction is that the only feasible match would be against The Miz. I don’t see him challenging Edge (or possibly Ziggler), since he doesn’t have as much of a past with those two that he does with The Miz. If they decide to do this, but don’t want it closing the show, they could have Cena or Orton jump ship to Smackdown and challenge for the World title. Edge/Orton finally happening at a Mania would be pretty cool actually.

2. John Cena:
This seems to be a lot of people’s prediction for the winner, and I don’t blame them. He’s got a lot going for him. He’s the top face in the company; he’s in Boston, which is near his home; he has a ready made feud with both Miz and Punk (as well as Edge); he’s one it before; he’s John freaking Cena! No explanation other than that is really necessary.

3. CM Punk
Another hot prediction is the leader of the New Nexus. Having four men (David Otunga, Husky Harris, Michael McGillicutty and Mason Ryan) at his aid, he stands a damn good chance of winning the whole thing. It’d be reminiscent of Orton’s victory two years ago, where he used Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase (Jr.) to his benefit. Add in a ready made feud with Cena (and an intriguing one with Edge), his chances are as high as they’ll ever be (which is funny, since he never is high).

4. Alberto Del Rio
An out of left field prediction, considering he’s still new to the WWE (though he’s a seasoned veteran in the sport). He has been in the main event since his debut, though, feuding with the likes of Rey Mysterio and Christian, as well as teasing a feud with Edge. That being the case, he could find himself outlasting thirty-nine other superstars and furthering that feud. Knowing I’m not the only one thinking this makes me happy.

5. Sheamus
I expect most of you to have your jaws dropped to the floor right now. Considering Triple H’s return is inevitable, the idea of Sheamus winning the Rumble this year is crazy. Most expect HHH to return in the Rumble and eliminate the Celtic Warrior, possibly taking himself out in the process. Though I see that as a huge possibility, I do see another case happening.

Triple H doesn’t return at the Rumble. Sheamus wins it. Triple H returns the next night and is entered into the Elimination Chamber. He wins the WWE Championship, then goads Sheamus into using his title match against him (just like he did to Orton two years ago). This would most likely mean Sheamus would lose, though that’s been happening to the Royal Rumble winner the past few years anyway.

Other Royal Rumble Match predictions:

First two entrants: Daniel Bryan (#1) and David Otunga (#2)

Final Entrant (#40): Mason Ryan

Iron Man: Daniel Bryan

Most Eliminations: Sheamus

Quickest Elimination: Darren Young

Most Consecutive Eliminations: Kane

Here’s hoping my predictions are right. Tune in tomorrow night and find out! Thanks for reading!

Skins Review

Skins Review

By now, you’ve all heard of the controversy surrounding MTV’s newest show, “Skins”. No, not that it’s another remake of a UK show. You’ve heard the hoopla that the Parents Television Council have stirred up. They’ve labeled it the most dangerous show for teens, stating the teenage characters partaking in drugs, sex and alcohol as the reason(s).


The lack of Rock & Roll is the true crime here!

Though their heads might be in the right place, their agenda isn’t. By labeling “Skins” the most dangerous show for teens, it’s giving the program the much needed publicity it wants and needs. If the PTC doesn’t want teenagers viewing the program, they should have kept their traps shut. By doing so, there’s a good chance a lot of teenagers would have passed on the show or possibly haven’t heard of it. Once you tell them they can’t watch it, they’ll do so, even if the show is crap.


Why do you think this show is so popular?

If you need even more proof to this theory, this review should do the trick. I wouldn’t have given this show the time of day if it weren’t for the controversy surrounding it. Curiosity got the best of me, so I actually allowed MTV to enter my life for once. Thankfully, it was only for forty-five minutes (which was still too long). So, take off your shirt and bare your skin, because that’s the best pun I can come up with.


That warning is to shy you away from watching a terrible show.

The show starts off with what looks to be a drugged-up teenager walking barefoot in the road. Sounds like the opening of a slasher flick, not a teen dramedy. She signals for her brother, Tony, to cause a distraction so she can sneak into her house. He does so, but not before taking a peek at the next door neighbor’s hooters (she was flaunting it, though).

Once he’s finished, he blasts his music, causing his father to storm into his room. In the midst of the two arguing over the music (which is still blaring), his sister (whose name I never caught, not that it matters) sneaks into her room, with her parents being none the wiser. Tony’s dad storms off, while he sports a shit-eating grin. Speaking of shit, he then prevents his father from doing so by locking the bathroom door and sneaking out the window. This sounds like the beginning of an 80’s high school comedy.


“Bastards are stealing my material!”

After he ditches his house, he calls up all of his buddies to set up a party. This isn’t your average party, though. They’ll be booze, drugs and scantily clad women. Scratch that, this is a normal party. The reason he’s throwing this shindig is to get his friend, Stanley, laid. Why? He’s turning 17 and it’s a crime he’s not laid yet. Oh, peer pressure, how I miss you! By the way, here’s Stanley:


The pure definition of sex appeal.

Though he’s no catch, I could see him easily getting laid. Give him a stoner gimmick and he’s good to go. Not that I’m promoting this, just pointing out a character possibility. It’s not as if Tony is a catch, either.


It’s as if they took Penn Badgley, stripped him of his good looks and made him an idiot.

Of course, he’s designated as the hottest guy in school, which makes me fear for what the football team looks like. He’s also not appealing or funny in the least. He’s a crude and annoying teenager who spouts off swear words and sexual innuendo as if it makes him cool. I may do so as well, but I know I’m not cool (that and I do it out of mere habit). He has the personality of a brick.


Not that Brick, though he does deserve his own show.

He has a hot girlfriend named Michelle, who Stanley has a crush on. Bet you didn’t see that coming. He teases his friend that he’s hooking him up with her, but is actually lining him up with Cadie. She’s addicted to drugs and is certifiably insane. And I’m not saying that for the hell of it. The show does it’s best to drive it into our brain that she’s insane. She plays with knives, for crying out loud!


That, or she has a fetish for them.

We get a glimpse of character development in both Stanley and Cadie when the two meet. But, the show shoves that under the rug for the sake of more sexual innuendo. Hooray, innuendo! We quickly shuffle towards the party, but are greeted to Stanley buying drugs from a crazy drug dealer named La Dong. If that’s not bad enough, he has a PHD; pretty huge dick. I’m convinced this show was written by a 13 year-old.

Once he buys the drugs (well, he’s loaned them), he sets sail to the party. Once there, we’re greeted to the standard teenage party fare that has been present in most high school/college comedies since the dawn of time. Drugs, alcohol, sex, loud music, lesbians, horny teens and a brawl for all.


Looks like filming has begun for the direct-to-video sequel to “Superbad”.

Cadie gets whacked out of her mind, which is what Tony and Stanley had planned all along. Neither she nor Stanley can go through with the act, though, because he’s in love with Michelle. Even if he weren’t, Cadie passes out, preventing any snu snu from occurring. Well, it could have actually happened, but the show thankfully has some decency. Worried about her, Stanley and the gang steal a car and head for the hospital.


So much for decency.

Just as they get to the hospital, Cadie wakes up out of her drug-induced stupor. They park the stolen vehicle behind the hospital, let Cadie take a piss and light up some blunts. Like an idiot, Tony puts the car in drive and sends the gang into the river, sans Cadie. They somehow survive, prompting Cadie to state, “You’re alive. That’s cool… I guess.” You guess? When was there any doubt that your friends (as terrible as they are) being alive was a bad thing?


This is what happens when you let Nick Nolte drive.

The show closes with the gang all returning home to safety, presumably setting up for another episode of wacky shenanigans. Though I can see some alarming subject matter in the show, I don’t think there’s anything for the PTC to get up in arms about. After all, most of this has been done countless times in movies and television in the past. Even the High School aspect has been done before, leaving “Skins” to feel like a limp carbon copy. The only thing offensive about the show is it’s poor quality.

However, if there are any parents out there objecting to this show, here’s a simple solution: prevent your children from watching it! As a parent, it is your job to dictate what is right and wrong for your child to watch. If you feel “Skins” will ruin their minds, then simply slap the parental lock onto it. That’s what it’s there for.

As for you teens out there, I recommend you watch “Degrassi” and/or “The Inbetweeners” as opposed to this. Both deal with the same subject matter, but handle it much better. “Degrassi” actually has talent on board and handles the dilemmas well. The acting is good, the writing is superb and there are lessons to be learned. “The Inbetweeners” is “Skins” if it were funny and had characters that are likable. Since it’s a UK show, though, I have a feeling you’ll skip it. Oh well, your loss!

Oh, and before I finish, I’d like to leave you all with this image:


I can hear the fan-fiction being written already!

Eliminators Review

Eliminators



A mandroid, a mercenary, a ninja, a scientist, a mad scientist, rednecks, cavemen, roman gladiators and the southern version of Boris & Natasha all walk onto a movie set. They are given no script, simply told to ad-lib at will, as their dialogue won't matter at the end of the day. The dialogue is like the points on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" They don't matter, but they make everybody feel a bit better. The only difference here is that "Whose Line..." involves actual talent, while "Eliminators" seemingly hired those standing in line at the DMV.

Maybe if they hired actual actors, this film would have been better. At the very least, I could of given a damn about the Mandroid. Patrick Reynolds doesn't emote his lines, instead reading them in a monotonous dialect. This works well for the robot aspect of his character, but not the human underneath (who is never given a name). Mr. Nameless was involved in a plane crash in the beginning of the film, which results in his death. He is resurrected by Abbott Reeves (Roy Dotrice), a mad scientist who's creating a time machine in order to rule the Roman Empire. It makes about as much sense as Fred Figglehorn's success.

The Mandroid escapes his wrath by taking out his minions and embarking out to safety. He doesn't do this by simply walking and taking names. No, no, no. He has his own ride to escort him out. Not just any ride, mind you. It's a souped up mega-scooter!


Admit it, you're jealous!

It should be noted that the Mandroid doesn't look intimidating or unique. I'd be more threatened by Chris Tucker than this guy! Sure, he has the laser beams and torpedoes to blow my ass away. However, he doesn't stand out as a tough guy. He looks more like a homeless man who scoured the junkyard for equipment to become a cyborg.


This would have been ten times better!

He enlists the help of Nora Hunter (Denise Crosby), a sane scientist who has her own mini-robot. He's a lot like RD-D2, except for the fact that he serves no purpose. Fine, so maybe he's a lot like R2-D2. At least he was interesting and sold a lot of merchandise. The Mandroid is able to convince the robot and his mother to help him locate his fallen plane for... I guess evidence, by killing her colleagues and destroying her office. I might add he never once threatens her, calmly asking for her help. Maybe he should be in therapy, instead.

Once they become partners, they become entangled in a feud with both Reeves' hired goons and their tour guide, Harry Fontana's (Andrew Prine), colleagues/slash enemies. They also run into cavemen in the jungle, for absolutely no apparent reason. Oh, and a ninja by the name of Kuji (Conan Lee) is also camping out in the jungle and saves the day. It's as if the filmmakers grabbed random people off the sidewalk and asked them to be in their movie.


The new casting couch.

Not that any of these characters even matter. They’re simply placeholders for action sequences and futurist weapons. Before you start making Michael Bay jokes, you have to stop and acknowledge the fact that, while a terrible director, he can create an effective action sequence. “Bad Boys”, “Transformers” and “The Rock” were filled with exciting action scenes. “Eliminators” has next to none.


“Armageddon” still sucks, though!

Most of the action sequences in “Eliminators” are largely forgettable. I’m only a few hours removed from my screening and I can’t remember most of them. One, however, does stick out in my mind, for the pure hilarity of it. While escorting the Mandroid and Nora to their destination, Fontana’s colleagues/enemies chase him throughout his trip. They pull out guns and try to blow him to smithereens, but miss because they’re villains (you can shoot the beer bottle next to his head, but not him? What the hell?!?). He himself isn’t handy with a gun, but is rather ingenious when it comes to disposing of his enemies.

For his first stunt, he throws a barrel full of explosives off his boat (why he had one lying around is beyond me), waits for his target to come near, shoots the barrel and kills them in a fiery blaze. Actually, they jump out just in time, but it was still a cool visual. Next, he tricks the two rednecks not once, but twice. Why I’m surprised by this is puzzling.


Smarter than they appear?

First, he tricks them into paying him for not only his gun, but the whereabouts of his clients. Once the exchange has been made, he douses them with a fire extinguisher. He then teases them down to a cape and pretends to be stuck. Once they charge for him (and I mean that literally), he cuts his line and sails away. This results in the rednecks flipping over the cape, causing them to go careening into the ocean. Then, their boat explodes for no apparent reason.


Causes explosions, apparently.

When this is the best scene(s) in your movie, then you know you have problems. Granted, you know you have problems when your main character and selling point, the Mandroid, looks like this:


I told you Chris Tucker was more intimidating.

Final Rating: 1 Piss-Poor, Mega-Scooter Mandroid out of five even more random characters.

Welcome!

Welcome cinephiles, friends, family, stalkers and internet surfers to Slapdash. The home of random ramblings and incoherent reports. I'm sorry, that's the wrong description. That was meant for The Today Show. Slapdash's description is as follows: The home of random ramblings and coherent reports. See the difference? Matt Lauer has got nothing on me! Al Roker, on the other hand, has a better Tetris score than me. The man's a beast when it comes to that game.

What you'll find here is exactly as the description above entails: random ramblings. There's no set guidelines or ongoing series (sorry, Queue Me Up, Netflix! has been cancelled, go figure). Whatever pops into my head will be the topic of the day. This could be film reviews, wrestling recaps, rants, cries for help, pictures of dogs, excerpts from my diary, I name it! Whatever I say goes, and you'll read it like the mindless sheep you are! I mean, like the generous fans who I'm very thankful to have. That's better!

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