Rotten to the Corre- Episode IV: Nocturnal Affair

Rotten to the Corre- Episode IV: Nocturnal Affair


Image created by 'Crap member, Section 8.

*Wade Barrett lies in his hotel bed, trying to fall asleep. Whenever he’s about to escape into a dream world, Heath Slater’s snoring wakes him up. After awhile, he snaps and jumps out of bed. He puts on a robe and storms out of the room. He pounds on the door of the room next to his. Justin Gabriel groggily opens the door.*

Justin: Wade, it’s 4 in the morning. Why are you pounding on our door?

Wade: You need to do something about your friend. He’s snoring like a bison and is preventing me from getting my beauty sleep.

Justin: I’ve told you before; I can’t do anything about that. We’ve tried snore guards but they don’t work. His mighty snore simply seeps through.

Wade: Here’s a solution: you share a room with him! After all, you two are best friends.

Justin: I can’t do that.

Wade: Why not?

Justin: Uh… because Ezekiel needs me.

Wade: *perplexed* What for?

Justin: Uh… he needs me, and me only, to read him a bedtime story in order to fall asleep.

*Ezekiel Jackson hears this and wakes up.*

Ezekiel: No I don’t! That’s a blatant lie and you know it! You just don’t want to deal with Heath’s snoring.

Justin: Shut up, Ezekiel!

Wade: That settles it. We’re switching roommates!

Justin: Hey look, it’s John Cena.

Wade: CENER! Where?!?

*Justin slams the door, leaving Wade standing in the hallway. He starts pounding and shouting.*

Wade: Open up, Justin!

*Curt Hawkins opens his door and screams at Wade.*

Curt: Knock it off! Some of us are trying to sleep!

Wade: What for? It’s not like you’re going to be booked in a match tomorrow. Dennis Stamp has a better chance of being booked than you do.

*Curt Hawkins stares blankly at Wade before bursting into tears and running back into his room. Wade does heed to his demands and returns to his room. He once again tries to fall asleep, but Heath’s snoring prevents that from happening. In a fit of rage, he wakes him up.*
Wade: That’s it, Heath! Wake up!

*Wade shakes Heath’s bed, instantly waking him up.*

Heath: What the hell is wrong with you, Wade?!? I was dreaming that I was just crowned Miss America.

Wade: You’re snoring has to… wait, why were you dreaming that you were Miss America?

Heath: *embarrassed* I didn’t say that.

Wade: Yes, you did.

Heath: No, I said I was dreaming that I was Mr. Amazing from the Fantastic Four.

Wade: That’s Mr. Fantastic.

Heath: Crap! Uh, I mean… you read comics? What a nerd!

Wade: Nerd jokes, really? Who are you, Michael Cole?

Heath: Maybe I am!

Wade: That’s nothing to be proud of.

Heath: Good point. Anyway, why did you wake me up?

Wade: You’re snoring has to stop. I can’t sleep!

Heath: It’s not as if I can help it. Trust me, I tried. Just put a pillow over your head and you’ll be fine.

Wade: I’ve tried that. You snore like a bison and are easily heard, even if I put Mark Henry over my head.

Heath: That sounded dirty.

Wade: Heath…

Heath: Also, how do you know how a Bison snores? Were you abandoned as a child and raised by them? Or is Mantaur your father?

Wade: *perplexed* I… I don’t even have a response to that. What I do know is that if I don’t get my beauty sleep I’ll look terrible in the ring.

Heath: The Corre are all equals, right?

Wade: Yeah, what’s your point?

Heath: If so, then me getting a full night’s sleep means you will have as well.

Wade: That doesn’t make any sense, Heath.

Heath: That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you since the beginning.

Wade: Hey!

Heath: Look, my snoring isn’t going to stop. If you can’t sleep, why don’t you do something productive? Go hang out with CM Punk. I’m sure he’s still awake.

Wade: Are you an idiot?!? Why would I hang out with Punk? He kicked me out of Nexus and I hate him!

Heath: Sorry, I forgot.

Wade: How could you forget that?

Heath: I’m like Creative; I forget a lot of things. I’m going back to bed.

*Heath drifts back off to sleep, much to the chagrin of Wade. Knowing he won’t fall asleep with Heath in the same room, he heads down to the lobby to see if another one is available.*

Wade: Excuse me, do you have any more rooms available?

Clerk: I’m sorry, sir, we’re all booked. The superstars of the WWE are here. Maybe you’ll get lucky and meet some of them.

Wade: I am one of them!

Clerk: Really? Which one?

Wade: I’m Wade Barrett, former leader of the Nexus and current member of the Corre.

Clerk: Sorry, doesn’t ring a bell.

Wade: Did you watch last year’s Survivor Series?

Clerk: Yeah, it was a great show!

Wade: I was in the main event.

Clerk: Really?!?

Wade: Yes! I challenged Randy Orton for the WWE Championship.

Clerk: That was you?

Wade: Yes! Who did you think it was?

Clerk: *shrugs his shoulders* I don’t know.

*Wade gets frustrated and nearly flips his lid, but opts to storm the hallways instead. He bumps into Daniel Bryan.*

Wade: Daniel, what are you still doing up?

Daniel: Fooling around with Gail.

Wade: How did you ever get a woman like her?

Daniel: You see, I…

Wade: Never mind, I don’t care! Where’s Punks’ room?

Daniel: It’s the last door on the right.

*Wade begins to walk towards the room, only to be called upon by Daniel.*

Daniel: By the way, Wade, I was wondering; how are things going for the Corre?

Wade: They’re going pretty…

Daniel: IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW THINGS ARE!

*Wade has the most shocked look on his face. He stand there in disbelief for nearly a minute, before breaking the silence.*

Wade: Did you just do a Rock impersonation?

Daniel: Yeah, what’d you think?

Wade: Don’t ever do it again. EVER!

*Daniel shrugs him off and walks back to his room. Wade goes to Punk’s door and contemplates on knocking.*

Wade: I can’t believe I’m doing this.

*Wade knocks on the door. Punk answers, but only pokes his head out to the door.

Punk: Wade, what the hell are you doing here?!?

Wade: I’m not looking for trouble. I just wanted to ask you a favor.

Punk: Fine, I’ll let you back into the Nexus. But, you must scrub my back every night and tell me how good I am.

Wade: What? No! Why would I want to rejoin the Nexus? The Corre is going strong and actually has it’s members still intact.

Punk: That’s cold, dude.

Wade: It’s the truth. Anyway, I wanted to know if I could use your room tonight. Heath’s snoring is keeping me awake and I figure, since you’re an insomniac, that you wouldn’t be needing it.

Punk: Tough luck, I am using it.

Wade: For what?

Punk: None of your business!

Wade: Don’t get testy with me! I was simply asking a question.

*The two begin to argue when a voice interrupt them. It is very raspy and demanding. Wade is familiar with it.*

Wade: Is that…

Punk: No!
*Mae Young interrupts the two, wearing nothing but a towel.*

Mae: What’s holding you up, boy?

Wade: Oh my God!

Punk: It’s not what it looks like! She needed help with her dentures and I’m simply giving her a hand.

Wade: Why isn’t she wearing any clothes?

Punk: That’s because she…

Mae: It’s because he’s giving me a hand in the old sackarooni, if you know what I mean.

Wade: I don’t think I want to.

*Punk shoves Mae back into the room and comes out into the hallway with Wade, closing the door behind him.*

Punk: This is between me and you. I’m only sleeping with her because I’ve made my way through the single ladies in the locker room. I was bored and horny and she happened to be in town. If anything, this is me doing a good deed for once.

Wade: What kind of a good deed is that?

Punk: Helping out the elderly. She may be old, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have needs. Besides, she has a few tricks up her sleeve.

Wade: That’s just sick! I’ve got to tell people.

Punk: No! You do it and I reveal the bigger picture.

Wade: How do you know what the bigger picture is?

Punk: David Otunga told me.

Wade: I don’t believe you.

*Punk whispers the bigger picture into Wade’s ear.*

Wade: That son of a bitch!

Punk: Is this between me and you, then?

Wade: Yes.

Punk: Good! Now, be on your way, young one.

*Wade starts to leave, only for Punk to stop him.*

Punk: Also, don’t think about telling your boys, either. Otunga also told me about that night in Las Vegas.

Wade: He promised it was a secret!

Punk: Can it, prom queen! Go back to your room and snuggle with Ron Howard.
*Wade is visibly pissed, but leaves knowing the circumstances. He heads back to his room, but chooses to sleep on the floor outside. That way he doesn’t hear Heath’s snoring. He finally starts to drift off to sleep, only for images of Punk and Mae Young start dancing in his head. Mortified, he gets and goes back into his room.*

Wade: Damn you, Punk!

Rotten to the Corre- Episode III: A Hairy Situation

*Wade Barrett is using his phone, presumably texting someone. It makes a message bleep, the same heard every Monday night on Raw whenever the GM makes an announcement.*

Heath: The Raw GM has an announcement! Oh, wait…

Wade: Relax. It’s just my phone. Somebody sent me a tweet.

*Wade reads the tweet and is visibly irate.*

Wade: Damn it, Heath! Why did your hair tweet me?

Heath: I don’t know. Why don’t you ask it?

Wade: Heath, stop playing around it! This is ridiculous!

Heath: What’s so ridiculous about it?

Wade: Your hair has a Twitter. That should answer your question.

Heath: It should, but it doesn’t.

*Justin Gabriel walks over to Heath and talks into his hair.*

Justin: Tweet him again. I want to do something funny.

Wade: Oh, come on, Justin! That’s…

*Wade’s phone goes off again. As it makes the noise, Justin turns the lights on and off.*

Justin: Now it’s like the Raw GM.

Heath: Nice!

*Heath and Justin high five, while Ezekiel Jackson laughs in the background.*

Wade: Stop laughing, Ezekiel!

*Ezekiel frowns.*

Justin: Stop being mean to Ezekiel!

Wade: Sorry, Ezekiel. I’m just a little frustrated right now.

Heath: Over my hair. Which is honestly pathetic, if you think about it. No offense.

Wade: Saying “no offense” doesn’t make your comment any less offensive, Heath.

Heath: You’re right! Let me make it up to you.

Wade: No, thank you! I can’t possibly imagine what your help would entail.
*Heath busts out his laptop and goes on Twitter. He’s very mysterious and secretive about what he’s doing, not even allowing Justin access.*

Justin: Come on, Heath! I want to see what you’re doing!

Heath: Give me a few minutes, Justin.

Justin: I want to see now!

*Justin starts throwing a temper tantrum. Ezekiel comes over and calms him down, while Wade face palms. After a few minutes of silence, Heath is finished.*

Heath: Done!

Justin: Sweet! Let me see!

*Heath turns his laptop, giving the other Corre members a view of his creation.*

Wade: YOU MADE MY SHOULDERS A TWITTER!

Heath: Yeah! I thought, since you were so jealous of my glorious hair having one, that your burly shoulders should get one to compensate.

Justin: Neat! I want one for my beard.

Ezekiel: I want one for my smile.

Wade: You’re not getting one for your smile, Ezekiel!

*Ezekiel frowns.*

Heath: Don’t worry, Ezekiel. Shawn Michaels had a Twitter for his smile, but he lost it.

Justin: Can I still have one for my beard?

Wade: No!

Justin: Why not?

Wade: It’s not menacing! Neither is having a Twitter for my shoulder or Heath’s hair. I want them deleted!

Heath: Relax, Sparky! Twitter’s not serious business. Nobody’s going to doubt our masculinity for having one. Besides, you yourself have a Twitter.

Wade: I use it for ethical and educational purposes. Such as giving today’s youth knowledge of artists such as Orwell.

Justin: You also make fun of Heath constantly.

Wade: Which is important to inform today’s youth.

Ezekiel: That Heath’s an idiot?

Wade: Yes! He’s also a bit slow when it comes to insults.

Heath: If it means that much to you, I’ll delete your shoulders. My hair stays, though.

Wade: *rolls eyes* Fair enough.

*Heath deletes the shoulder Twitter.*

Heath: Happy now?

Wade: Yes. Now, let’s go. We’ve got a plane to catch.

*The Corre gather their things and head out the door. As they’re about to leave, Heath stops dead in his tracks.*

Heath: Hey, I’m not an idiot!

Rotten to the Corre-Episode II: WENDY'S!

*The Corre arrive at Wendy’s.*

Wade: We did great tonight, guys! We proved our dominance and made an example out of Kane & Big Show. Best of all, we kept the tag titles. It’s time to celebrate!

Justin & Ezekiel: WENDY’S!

Heath: *mutters* Stupid Wendy’s.

*The Corre walk into Wendy’s and are greeted with applause and elation. The customers get out of their seats and run towards them*

Wade: That’s right, give us our due respect!

Crowd: Oh my God! It’s Wendy!

*Wade looks pissed.*

Heath: What? No! I’m not Wendy! Tell them I’m not Wendy, Wade.

*Wade ponders.*

Wade: He’s Wendy.

*Wade walks to the counter with a grin on his face. The crowd bombards Heath, with Justin staying behind to fend them off.*

Employee: What can I get for you?

Ezekiel: I’ll have four Baconators, four large fries and four large sodas.

Wade: Thanks for getting the whole group dinner!

Ezekiel: Who said I was ordering for you guys?

Wade: *confused* You got all that food and… never mind. I’m in too good of a mood tonight. I’ll have the Fish Fillet with a Baked Potato and Hot Tea. Oh, and… *yells* FROSTY’S ON THE HOUSE!

*The crowd cheers. Wade and Ezekiel grab a table, with Heath and Justin joining them.*

Heath: What the hell was that for, Wade?!?

Wade: My amusement.

Heath: Yeah, well I don’t find it very amusing. I had a woman rip a lock of hair out of my head.

Wade: Why would anybody want a lock of that greasy mess?

Justin: Hey, Heath isn’t Bret Hart.

Heath: Nice!

*Heath and Justin knuckle bump.*
Justin: At least you made up for it by getting everybody Frosty’s.

Ezekiel: About that. If we’re supposed to be menacing, then why are we treating people to Frosty’s?

Wade: You know, I didn’t think of that. How are we going to fix this?

Heath: I know.

*Heath gets out of his chair, goes up to each customer and dumps their Frosty’s on them.*

Heath: Ha! You all just got frosted!

Wade: That was your plan?

Heath: It made them hate us, didn’t it?

Wade: Maybe, but it also made us look like idiots! We want to be menacing, not pull of pranks like the Hamburglar.

Justin: Wrong fast food chain, bro.

Wade, Heath & Ezekiel: Bro?

Wade: Have you been hanging out with Zack Ryder again?

Justin: *sheepishly* No.

*The manager walks up to their table.*

Manager: Folks, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Wade: Why?

Manager: You doused our other customers with Frosty’s. You can’t do that.

Wade: Why not? We beat the tar out of Kane & Big Show and faced no consequences.

Manager: Who?

Heath: Kane & Big Show. You know, the two giants. One used to wear a mask, but had to take it off after Triple H beat him. All because of a rumor that he molested the corpse of Katie Vick. Then there’s Big Show, who had his father’s funeral interrupted by the Big Boss Man, who proceeded to drive the casket out of the graveyard.

Manager: *petrified* Little lady, I don’t know what your problem is. All I know is you and your lackeys better get out of here now before I call the cops.

Heath: I’m not a girl!

Wade: I’m not his lackey!

Ezekiel: I’m not done eating!

Justin: I can’t believe it’s not butter!

Manager: Out, now!

*The Corre is escorted out of the Wendy’s.*

Wade: Way to go, Heath. Get us kicked out of Wendy’s!

Heath: If you didn’t buy everybody a Frosty, we wouldn’t have this problem!

Wade: I’m not the one who poured them all over their heads!

Heath: Yeah, well…

Justin: Guys, knock it off! You’re making Ezekiel upset.

Ezekiel: *frowning* I want my Baconator.

Justin: Don’t worry, Ezekiel. We’ll go to another Wendy’s and get you your Baconator. Wade and Heath, apologize.

Wade & Heath: We’re sorry.

Justin: That’s better. Now let’s all go to another Wendy’s and forget about this mess. Heath, I suggest you disguise yourself this time.

Heath: As what?

Justin: David Otunga. Nobody will recognize you.

Rotten to the Corre: Episode 1

Wade Barret: Alright, this is what we're gonna do. Heath, stay out of the way! All you do is cause problems and act like a buffoon. Just stay in the background and play your Rock Band game.

Heath: It's One Man Rock Band, Wade.

Wade: Damn it, Heath! Don't correct me! I HATE YOU HEATH SLATER! I HATE YOU!

Justin: Hey, be nice to Heath!

Wade: Stay out of this, Justin. If it weren't for you, he'd be kicked to the road by now. I left Nexus to get away from him.

Heath: You didn't leave Nexus. You were kicked out.

Wade: HEATH!

Heath: At least me and Justin walked out in style, like real men. *flips hair*

Wade: Justin, control Heath! Speaking of you, I need you to hit your 450 Splash. I don't care how big the guy is, you do it. It looks nice and wows the crowd.

Justin: I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I don't want to do the 450 anymore. It hurts.

Wade: Oh, boo hoo Justin! You don't see me complaining about my move.

Justin: That's because you simply hoist somebody on your shoulders and drop them. I've got to risk my life doing an insane flip that, if done wrong, could break my neck.

Wade: Then make Heath do it.

Heath: I don't know how.

Wade: Of course you don't. You're Heath Slater, you can't do anything right!

Justin: Knock it off!

Wade: Do you want to be kicked out of the group?

Justin: *sad face* No.

Wade: That's what I thought. Do your move, keep Heath out of the way and don't, I repeat, DON'T smile!

Ezekiel: Can I smile?

Wade: No.

Ezekiel: Why not?

Wade: You're smile is... weird.

Ezekiel: What do you mean by that?

Wade: Nothing personal. It's a fine smile, but isn't menacing. It looks as if you just helped an old lady cross the street and are proud of it.

Ezekiel: What's wrong with helping an old lady cross the street?

Wade: *Frustrated* Nothing! It's simply not menacing.

Ezekiel: Why do we have to be menacing?

Wade: Because I said so!

Heath: Did Stone Cold say so?

Wade: Shut the hell up, Heath!

Ezekiel: We're getting off track. What do you want me to do?

Wade: Play back-up. If we get into trouble, hit the ring and take out our enemy. You seem to be good at that.

Ezekiel: *smiles* Thanks!

Wade: Stop smiling!

Justin: So, what are you going to do, Wade?

Wade: I'm going to stand back and watch. I'll give you all commands and, if need be, will assist you guys.

Heath: *mutters* And probably get chokeslammed by Big Show.

Wade: What was that?!?

Heath: Nothing.

Wade: That's what I thought. Remember, we're all equals. If you look bad, that means I look bad. I can't have that happening. Now, let's go out there and do business. Afterwards, we'll go to Wendy's.

Justin and Ezekiel: WENDY'S!

*The Corre exit the locker room*

Heath: *sad* Why do we always have to go to Wendy's?

WWE Elimination Chamber 2011 Predictions

WWE Elimination Chamber 2011 Predictions



The Road to Wrestlemania takes a pit stop in Satan’s Prison (which I always assumed was Andy Dick’s house), with both the WWE and World titles on the line. However, only one of them will be defended inside the Chamber, as WWE Champion The Miz will be facing Jerry “The King” Lawler with the gold on the line (you read that right). Edge has five men to deal with, but only knows four of them. Since Dolph Ziggler was “fired” on Smackdown, his spot is now available. Who will step inside the Chamber and battle for the gold? What are my predictions for the entire event? Why do I keep dragging this opening paragraph out, knowing full well you’ve probably skipped down to the predictions? Simply put, that’s how I roll!


Elimination Chamber Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (champ) vs. Wade Barrett vs. Kane vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Rey Mysterio vs. ???

As mentioned earlier, Teddy Long returned and “fired” Dolph Ziggler, leaving his spot open for another wrestler. I believe either Christian, Cody Rhodes, Big Show or Dolph Ziggler wearing a mask will take the open spot, though I don’t see any of them winning (Christian has a small chance, considering his past with Del Rio). As for the other participants…

Edge: The champion, as always, has the odds stacked against him and is usually the least likely to walk out with the gold. This time around, I think Edge winning is pretty much a given. He and Alberto Del Rio have been having their scuffles over the past few weeks, leaving more room to build. Add in that ADR took out Edge’s best friend, Christian, and you’ve got yourself a good old fashioned blood feud.

Rey Mysterio: He has history with Alberto Del Rio, so him winning and facing him at Mania isn’t too much of a stretch. The only person preventing that from happening is Cody Rhodes, who’s been feuding with Mysterio for awhile. Considering their rivalry is far from over (and beginning to pick up again), Mysterio’s chances are minimal.

Wade Barrett: Though I could have seen him winning the Royal Rumble, Barrett’s chances of walking out of Elimination Chamber with the World title is slim. He’s got a ready made feud with both The Big Show and Undertaker, with both easily being big Wrestlemania matches. He’s also a heel, so him facing Del Rio won’t happen, unless Edge is added to the mix (thanks to his rematch clause). Even so, I don’t think now is the time to put the title on him.

Kane: It’s hard to believe Kane was the most dominating champion last year, up until his dreadful feud with Edge. Ever since he’s lost the title at TLC, his momentum has dropped significantly. Considering he’s got Undertaker to once again face, I don’t see him walking out with the gold.

Drew McIntyre: Do I even have to write up a summary as to why he won’t win?

Final Prediction: Edge


Elimination Chamber Match to Determine the #1 Contender for the WWE Championship: John Cena vs. John Morrison vs. Randy Orton vs. CM Punk vs. King Sheamus vs. R-Truth

John Cena: Has the best odds to win, even if his track record inside the devilish structure says otherwise. Him vs. Miz at Mania would be a good sell, and it seems as if that’s the direction the WWE is going with. The only thing halting this theory is The Rock. After returning last Monday on Raw and lambasting the leader of the CeNation, a possible Rock/Cena match could happen instead. It’d make more money, that’s for sure. However, The Rock has stated in interviews that he doesn’t plan on competing (he is the guest host, after all) and doesn’t have any interest in fighting Cena (despite calling him out). If that’s the case, Cena vs. Miz could still be on, with The Rock being added as the guest referee/special enforcer.

John Morrison: Up until The Rock returned, Morrison’s chances of winning this match weren’t that good. Despite the history he and Miz have, the WWE doesn’t seem intent on pulling the trigger quite yet, with Morrison’s last title shot taking place at Raw instead of the Royal Rumble being a good example. If they book Rock/Cena, though, the door is wide open for a Miz/Morrison title match. Those two would do their best to put on a great show/feud, all the while not having the pressure of selling the PPV themselves. As long as Rock/Cena is booked, the rest of the Mania card could be a 3 hour Tea Party with the WWE locker room and the event would still make millions.

Randy Orton: A safe bet, considering he’s main evented Mania before, and has history with The Miz. His feud with CM Punk will cause a distraction, though, most likely preventing a victory. Then again, the Cena/Punk feud has kind of been dropped, so I wouldn’t be too surprised to see it happen here, as well.

CM Punk: Has a feud with Randy Orton in progress and is a heel, meaning Miz vs. Punk is most likely not happening.

King Sheamus: Heel vs. heel won’t happen; has a ready-made feud with Triple H if he returns; if not, will face either Mark Henry or The Great Khali (as terrible as those two matches would be).

R-Truth: I know I said that, if Rock/Cena were to happen, the rest of the card wouldn’t matter in order to sell the show. Even so, I can’t see R-Truth in the WWE title match at the biggest show of the year. He may be over, but he’s still a mid-carder at the moment.

Final Prediction: John Cena


WWE Championship: The Miz (champion) vs. Jerry Lawler

I don’t see Jerry Lawler defending the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania, though I can see him walking out of Elimination Chamber with the title. Whether it be as a thank you for all of his hard work or sympathy for his mother’s passing (my condolences go out to him and his family), I could see a day or week reign for The King. I’m not saying I’d like it, but it’s a possibility.

On the other hand, this could easily be happening to give Miz something to do between now and Wrestlemania, without having him fight in the Chamber. Considering his character is the sniveling champion who always sneaks his way to a victory, holding the gold up until Wrestlemania, without any road blocks, would only make him losing the title that much sweeter for the audience. Having him brag about beating a legend would only make it better.

Final Prediction: The Miz


Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio

Why this match isn’t for the Intercontinental Championship is beyond me. Outside of WWE wanting ADR to win, but keeping the title on Kingston, it doesn’t make a lick of sense for the gold to not be on the line. Del Rio already has a non-title victory over the champ. Why do it again for nothing? If he were to win the championship, that would make his World title match much more interesting, especially if it’s title for title. The last time we had one of those at Wrestlemania was at Wrestlemania VI, a whole 21 years ago. I say we’re due for another one.

Even if they didn’t want that to happen, they could always put the title on the line and have Kofi retain. It wouldn’t halt ADR’s push if it were via a roll-up or Alberto getting himself disqualified, a la Brock Lesnar vs. Rob Van Dam at Vengeance 2002. This could still very well happen, even without the title on the line. Still, it would be much more interesting if it were up for grabs.

Final Prediction: Alberto Del Rio


WWE Tag Team Championship: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov (champs) vs. Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel (The Corre)

How many times have we seen this match? It’s happened twice on PPV (Survivor Series and TLC) and numerous times on television. Hell, just last night on Smackdown the teams went toe(s)-to-toe(s), with the champions coming out on top. I’ve got nothing against either team (I like them both) and think they’ve had some mildly entertaining matches. But, I’d rather some new challengers face the champions.

Then again, there’s not many other teams in the WWE. Outside of the champions, The Corre and The Nexus, the other teams are random pairings on Superstars. Zack Ryder Primo are the only two who have been making an effort, yet WWE lets them go by unnoticed. There’s also The Usos, but nobody takes them as a threat.

Though it’d be good momentum for The Corre to have the tag team titles with them, I don’t see Koztino dropping them anytime soon. They’re massively over and don’t have much else to do. I don’t see them dropping the gold until Daniel Bryan and Derrick Bateman become an official team. That is if Bateman wins NXT Season 4 (I have my fingers crossed). Until them, I expect the gold to stay around the waists of Santino and Kozlov.

Final Prediction: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov

One last thing I’d like to do before wrapping this article up. I’ve always had fun in trying to predict the card order of the upcoming PPV. What I mean by this is to guess which order the matches will take place. It’s nothing important or special (which sums up this blog perfectly), but always fun to do. Since this is a prediction article, I figured it’d be a good idea to add it to the mix.

Card Order Prediction:

1. Elimination Chamber Match to Determine the #1 Contender for the WWE Championship: John Cena vs. John Morrison vs. Randy Orton vs. CM Punk vs. King Sheamus vs. R-Truth

2. WWE Tag Team Championship: Koztino vs. The Corre

3. Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio

4. WWE Championship: The Miz vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler

5. Elimination Chamber Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge vs. Wade Barrett vs. Kane vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Rey Mysterio vs. ???

Dana Carvey on Saturday Night Live (2/5/11)

Dana Carvey on SNL (2/5/11)



Sometimes I wish I was born ten years earlier. A lot of my interests are focused on relics from the 80’s, when I wasn’t even conceived yet, or the early 90’s, when I was but a wee little lad (also, my parents were leprechauns, apparently). A good example would be that the late 80’s-mid 90’s SNL is my favorite time series of the show, despite that I never watched those episodes when they aired (I have since been able to thanks to Netflix). My SNL days didn’t come until early the early Naughties (2000’s), when the likes of Will Ferrell and Jimmy Fallon were top players. Even so, the likes of Adam Sandler, Jon Lovitz, Kevin Nealon, Mike Meyers, Chris Farley, Norm MacDonald, David Spade, Phil Hartman, Al Franken, Jan Hooks, Chris Rock, Michael McKean, Janeane Garofalo, Molly Shannon and Tim Meadows (though the last two stayed on for awhile, giving me a chance to see them in my time) are amongst my favorites.

Oh, and Dana Carvey, of course. The man who was once labeled as the future of comedy, who has unfortunately since floundered since his departure. Not that he crashed and burned, as he had quite a few string of films in the 90’s, as well as his own show. The Naughties, however, haven’t seen much activity out of the once-revered SNL cast member, outside of “The Master of Disguise”. The less said about that film the better.


Just act like it never happened, Mr. Carvey.

This was most likely due to raising a family, which is admirable. He came out of the woodwork every now and then to host “Saturday Night Live”, including last night. February is starting off with a bang with the return of one of SNL’s most coveted cast members. He’s brought along a few friends for the ride.

Let’s start with the cold opening. I’m guessing it’ll be either a political jab or a Super Bowl skit. Normally, I’d lean towards the former, since SNL loves it’s political humor (more so now than ever). With the Super Bowl being the next night, I’m sticking with the latter. Here’s hoping it’ll be…


HOLY SHIT!!! WAYNE’S WORLD!!!

That’s right, folks! Dana Carvey brought along his good pal, Mike Myers, to reprise their roles as Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar. I still have both VHS copies of the two films, with the first one being played heavily throughout the years. Needless to say, seeing them opening an SNL episode in 2011 is surreal. With that being said, my prediction of a Super Bowl cold opening can still be accurate.

Nope! Wayne and Garth focus their attention on the upcoming Oscar Ceremony, which is right up my alley. They tear through the likes of “127 Hours”, “The King’s Speech”, “Toy Story 3” and “Black Swan”. Garth makes a remark about Natalie Portman, stating he’d like to “Mila her Kunis.” When did my friends start writing this show? The two also make cracks at hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway, with another boner joke regarding the latter (I’m not criticizing, by the way). They also have a running gag surrounding a lesser known nominee.


You can guess where this is going.

More boner jokes, more laughs from me. Screw you, I like toilet humor and juvenile jokes, when done right. This is one of those times. All the guys had to do to make me laugh was look into the camera and, with a deadpan expression, say, “Winter’s Bone”. It helped that they kept giving their predictions to the movie, despite not seeing it.

They eventually close the segment by predicting that “The Social Network” will win the Oscar for best picture. NOT! Their actual prediction is, “Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!” Wait a minute! That’s not even a candidate. Are you telling me this catchphrase is so damn good that it’s going to sweep the Oscars, despite not being nominated?


You sly dog, you!

Ignoring my lame attempt at comedy, the show officially opens with Dana Carvey’s monologue. He mentions that his two teenage sons are in the audience, doing an impression of the two on their reaction to him hosting. It’s basically the average ‘teens are embarrassed by their parents’ spiel, which isn’t going to help him win them over. He then proceeds to declare his tenure, cast and crew as the best of “Saturday Night Live”, breaking into song. When Andy Samberg comes out to challenge him on the accusation, an old friend comes to the rescue.


JON MOTHERFUCKIN’ LOVITZ!

First Mike Myers, now Jon Lovitz. Oh, Dana Carvey, you spoil us! The two finish the song and dance number, introduce Linkin Park as the musical guest and begin the show. The first sketch doesn’t involve Carvey, so I’ll skip it (sorry, Kenan Thompson).

What does Dana Carvey have in store for us? Will Wayne’s World be the only revived skit tonight, or will Carvey dust off another relic. Here’s hoping it’s not a Ross Perot or George Bush impression. Those were great, but are outdated now. Not that this would prevent Carvey from doing them. Did he or didn’t he? That is the question.


She kind of looks like Ross Perot.

Church Chat returns, with Church Lady lambasting today’s deviants! MTV takes a beating, with shows like “16 and Pregnant” and “Skins” being rightfully trashed. I got a kick out of “Skins” being referred to as ‘Sportscenter for Pedophiles’. Her first guests are The Kardashians, with Kim’s ass being the subject of ridicule (go figure). Out next is Snooki, with Bobby Moynihan once again portraying the Rat Queen to perfection. The third and final guest is…


I can hear you screaming in anger.

I’ve got nothing against Justin Bieber. His music isn’t my taste, but he hasn’t done anything to offend me. The closest was a news story of him snubbing his fans, but I believe that was proven to be false (that’s the paparazzi for you, folks). I may make jokes about him, but I hold nothing against the kid. He’s taken his love of music and became successful off of it. He’s living the American Dream, which, of course, leads to bashing and unfortunate threats. As for me, I say congratulations! Just don’t screw it up!

Here, however, I had a problem. Not so much with him (he did fine for what he was given), but the joke itself. Church Lady praises Justin for his clean-cut image, only to begin getting the hots for him. That’s right, Church Lady has a crush on Justin Bieber. If that wasn’t creepy enough, she talks to God, who claims that Bieber is his perfect creation. Thankfully, he talks her out of her urges and the two dance. At least it ended well.
Moving on, we get a spoof of all of the reality celebrity rehab shows. This one is of celebrities operating a hotline for teenagers, helping them with their problems. Dana Carvey reprised his Mickey Rooney impression and confuses the hell out of a caller.


Simple, but effective.

He’s outdone by Fred Armisen as Ice-T…



Who’s outdone by Abby Elliot as Anna Farris…



Who’s outdone by Jay Pharaoh as Eddie Murphy…



Who’s not outdone by anybody, because Jay Pharaoh is the best new cast member on SNL! I’d go so far as to claim him as the best current member overall, but Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis and Andy Samberg all give him a run for his money (though I do feel he’s eclipsed Samberg). I feel this man will be the future of SNL, as well as comedy. His impressions are fantastic, demeanor excellent and humor superb! He’s a lot like Dana Carvey, actually. Here’s hoping his post-SNL success is much better.

I’ll ignore Dana Carvey a little bit more, as Weekend Update is up next. I’d skip it, since Carvey isn’t featured (he’s the reason I’m writing this article, nothing against SNL). But, it is a focal point of the show, so a quick rundown is necessary. Seth Meyers makes a few jokes about Egypt and Charlie Sheen, with them being middling at best. Meyers can be funny, but his material (which he wrote) isn’t always the best. When it is, though, he can be hysterical!

His first guest is James Franco, performed by Paul Brittain. The impression is spot-on, with the joke being that Franco will do anything. Drive a cab, be a greeter, be a janitor, etc. He even tries to read the news, until Seth Meyers intervenes. It may sound dull, but I found it to be quite clever. Franco seems to never stop working, which is admirable but also questionable. I myself have made jokes on the topic.

The next guest is Angelo Dixon, a disco-star turned meteorologist. The joke goes over as well as Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem. Maybe it sounded good on paper (I highly doubt that), but it doesn’t work in reality. Kristen Wiig tries her best, but it simply doesn’t work. It also seems to drag on. Thankfully, Seth Meyers shortly wraps up Weekend Update. Not before we get his nightmare fuel…


Even in context, that’s frightening!

Now back to Dana Carvey! Wait, there’s one more skit not involving him. I’d skip over it, but it has a special guest from earlier. Justin Bieber! Were you expecting Jon Lovitz and/or Mike Myers? It’s a digital short spoofing the new movie, “The Roommate”, with Justin Bieber going to college and getting a new roommate. That roommate:


Good luck sleeping tonight.

I’ll give Justin Bieber credit. I may not have been fond of him on Church Chat (thought that wasn’t his fault), but he was aces here. He plays off Samberg’s wacky antics well, even delivering a few funny lines. My favorite is when his mother calls and asks him about his roommate. “I think he’s going to murder me.” I’m not saying he’s a terrific actor, but he played his part well last night.

Finally, we get back to Dana Carvey. After all this wait, we should be getting something good. Maybe another character revival. Even better, a new skit that delivers laughs. Maybe throw him into one of the current member’s running skits. I’d love to see the return of Vinny Vedecci, with Dana Carvey as his guest. What treat do we receive?


Dana Carvey and Kenan Thompson as 11-Year-Old Beauty Pageant hosts.

That could be pulled off. It may not sound great, but it’s got enough fuel to ignite a fire. Given that both Carvey and Thompson are involved, we can possibly get something special. What’s that, it’s just a stupid sketch that goes nowhere? Ah, crap! Too bad that the writers felt that dressing up the women as 11-Year-Old’s was going to be funny. Since that didn’t work, maybe Andy Samberg will.


Damn it, SNL! Why don’t you want me to sleep?

Dana Carvey gets back on the right track with his next, and final, skit. He, along with Fred Armisen, Bill Hader and Paul Brittain, are an alternative band performing at a bar before the Super Bowl. This may sound even worse than the above sketch, but it’s actually funny. The band is out of place, only getting the gig because of Dana’s brother-in-law (who’s the bartender). They also pick the worst time to perform, right as the Super Bowl is starting off. Also, they look like this:


The Black Eyed Peas have some stiff competition.

Thus ends Dana Carvey hosting Saturday Night Live. It was a mix of nostalgia, current trends and Justin Bieber. Sounds like your average Youtube video. It may not have been the greatest (the Jeff Bridges episode was superior), but I had a lot of fun. I was ecstatic to see Wayne’s World return and was surprised that Justin Bieber made me laugh, on purpose no less. Maybe Mike Myers and Jon Lovitz will get hosting duties in the near future. Here’s hoping so!

Killjoy 3 Review

Killjoy 3



It’s been awhile since I’ve seen the first two Killjoy films. Not since 2003, to be exact, when I first started getting into horror films. At that point, I had a weird scavenger hunt going on. Whilst catching up on the classics such as Psycho and Frankenstein, I had a fascination in the outlandish. Anything involving killer dolls or evil clowns automatically grabbed my attention. Once I seen the Double Feature DVD of the Killjoy flicks, I snatched it up!

The only thing I remember about the films (outside of Killjoy, of course) is that I hated them! I know I found them boring and groan inducing, but can’t quite remember what made them so. I assumed Killjoy himself was an annoying character and that all of the kills, the main selling point, were forgettable and lame. I know for a fact I was right on that last point, considering my predicament.

When I seen a third movie was made, I felt strangely compelled to watch it. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, as I seem to have a fetish for bad films. I’m drawn to them like flies on a rib roast. It’s like a car accident, that being you can’t look away.


I blame those rib-hungry flies for this.

After viewing Killjoy 3, I think I can come to a conclusion as to why I hated the first two. My assumptions were correct; Killjoy’s an annoying Pennywise clone, the kills are insubstantial and the script is filled to the rim with plot holes. John Lechago seems to make the rules up as he goes along, contradicting elements from earlier in the film. It leaves you begging questions as opposed to focusing on the story.


Did he write this rule book, as well?

Not that there’s much of a story here. Killjoy is a demon clown who can be summoned for revenge. All you have to pay him in return is your blood (which resurrects him) and a victim. Also, your soul is apart of the package, but it’s in the fine print that nobody reads. A professor (Darrow Igus) summons Bozo the Clown’s long lost brother, only to trick him and seal him inside a mirror. Why a mirror?


“Why not?”

In all actuality, he’s trapped in his realm. For reasons unknown, he’s able to drag victims into this world via a mirror. I wonder if Marsha Brady had this power. He can also hop into our world, but won’t capture his victim’s soul unless their in his playground. Don’t ask questions, just go with it. That’s what got me through this movie.


“Won’t you be my neighbor?”

Ten years after being imprisoned, his magical mirror appears on the porch of the Professor’s house. As luck would have it, he’s out of town and has put one of his students on house-sitting duty. Why any professor would allow a college student to watch over his house is beyond me. You’re basically giving them an invitation to throw a party.

Which is exactly what Erica (Olivia Dawn Yorke) and her friends, Rojer (Michael Rupnow), Sandy (Jessica Whitaker) and Zilla (Spiral Jackson), do. That’s right, one of the characters is named Zilla. No signs of this being a nickname, but being presented as his actual name. As for the question that I know is in your head, they do make Godzilla jokes.

Seems as if he didn’t take the God out of Godzilla, after all.

Despite a bad name, Zilla is a likable guy. You could argue that all four of the characters are likable, though I’d make an issue over Erica. The problem is none of them are given anything to work with. There’s no reason for us to care about them, as the dialogue they’re given makes them sound like idiots. I call this the standard slasher method. Create characters nobody cares about, that way nobody feels bad when they die. Even then, you have to have one protagonist who’s worth rooting for. Killjoy 3 has none.

To give you an example of the poor writing, all of the characters seem to know who Killjoy is, only to act as if they’ve never heard of him a few minutes later. After coming back from his first visit from Killjoy’s realm, Zilla mentions he’s seen Killjoy. Rojer acts shocked, only to question who the hell he is a few minutes later. This happens throughout the duration of the film, dragging the film down.

John Lechago seems to do this a lot with his script, adding meaningless conversations to keep the film moving. It’s as if the script was only ten pages long and he told the cast to improvise. The film feels it, as the only sequences that are given any effort are the wacky scenarios that take place in Killjoy’s realm. Clown boxing, human feast and clown on human erotica are all ideas that were floating around in Lechago’s head, all in need of substance.


Don’t you want to see this clown get it on?

If you’re wondering, Killjoy doesn’t partake in all of these practices (though he does nearly get his groove on). He has three henchman that helps him do his bidding. Punchy the Clown (Al Burke), whose duties should be clear; Freakshow (Tai Chan Ngo), a clown who has a clown baby attached to him; and Batty Boop (Victoria De Mare), who serves as Killjoy’s girlfriend/assistant. Can you guess who she’s named after?


I always thought Betty Boop would make for a good psychotic clown.

None of them seem to serve much of a purpose, outside of adding more clowns to the mix. Punchy at least does his shtick during one sequence, while Freakshow seems to serve about as much purpose as Rob Schneider in an Adam Sandler comedy. Batty Boop fares the best, as she gets the most screen time. However, she never once swings a bat, deeming her name worthless. You’d think Lechago would at least follow up on that “clever” name.


They also serve as Killjoy’s news team.

Lechago never follows up on anything, really. He constantly sets up kill sequences, only to have the victims survive for another few minutes. Killjoy seems to take his sweet old time in offing his prey, which would be fine if he salivated in their fear. The fact that he keeps bitching that he wants to kill throws this theory out the window. If you want and need to kill, then do so when the opportunity appears. Stop pussyfooting around and get the job done already!

Killjoy 3 only lasts 78 minutes, but only 18 of those matter. The other hour is spent with Killjoy making dumb jokes, the protagonists acting dumb and the supporting clowns standing around waiting for something to do. Even the 18 minutes that actually accomplishes something and moves the story along is boring and convoluted. Once the credits rolled, I had a headache from all of the absurdity. Here’s hoping I forget about this one just like I did with the first two.