WWE Elimination Chamber 2011 Predictions

WWE Elimination Chamber 2011 Predictions



The Road to Wrestlemania takes a pit stop in Satan’s Prison (which I always assumed was Andy Dick’s house), with both the WWE and World titles on the line. However, only one of them will be defended inside the Chamber, as WWE Champion The Miz will be facing Jerry “The King” Lawler with the gold on the line (you read that right). Edge has five men to deal with, but only knows four of them. Since Dolph Ziggler was “fired” on Smackdown, his spot is now available. Who will step inside the Chamber and battle for the gold? What are my predictions for the entire event? Why do I keep dragging this opening paragraph out, knowing full well you’ve probably skipped down to the predictions? Simply put, that’s how I roll!


Elimination Chamber Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (champ) vs. Wade Barrett vs. Kane vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Rey Mysterio vs. ???

As mentioned earlier, Teddy Long returned and “fired” Dolph Ziggler, leaving his spot open for another wrestler. I believe either Christian, Cody Rhodes, Big Show or Dolph Ziggler wearing a mask will take the open spot, though I don’t see any of them winning (Christian has a small chance, considering his past with Del Rio). As for the other participants…

Edge: The champion, as always, has the odds stacked against him and is usually the least likely to walk out with the gold. This time around, I think Edge winning is pretty much a given. He and Alberto Del Rio have been having their scuffles over the past few weeks, leaving more room to build. Add in that ADR took out Edge’s best friend, Christian, and you’ve got yourself a good old fashioned blood feud.

Rey Mysterio: He has history with Alberto Del Rio, so him winning and facing him at Mania isn’t too much of a stretch. The only person preventing that from happening is Cody Rhodes, who’s been feuding with Mysterio for awhile. Considering their rivalry is far from over (and beginning to pick up again), Mysterio’s chances are minimal.

Wade Barrett: Though I could have seen him winning the Royal Rumble, Barrett’s chances of walking out of Elimination Chamber with the World title is slim. He’s got a ready made feud with both The Big Show and Undertaker, with both easily being big Wrestlemania matches. He’s also a heel, so him facing Del Rio won’t happen, unless Edge is added to the mix (thanks to his rematch clause). Even so, I don’t think now is the time to put the title on him.

Kane: It’s hard to believe Kane was the most dominating champion last year, up until his dreadful feud with Edge. Ever since he’s lost the title at TLC, his momentum has dropped significantly. Considering he’s got Undertaker to once again face, I don’t see him walking out with the gold.

Drew McIntyre: Do I even have to write up a summary as to why he won’t win?

Final Prediction: Edge


Elimination Chamber Match to Determine the #1 Contender for the WWE Championship: John Cena vs. John Morrison vs. Randy Orton vs. CM Punk vs. King Sheamus vs. R-Truth

John Cena: Has the best odds to win, even if his track record inside the devilish structure says otherwise. Him vs. Miz at Mania would be a good sell, and it seems as if that’s the direction the WWE is going with. The only thing halting this theory is The Rock. After returning last Monday on Raw and lambasting the leader of the CeNation, a possible Rock/Cena match could happen instead. It’d make more money, that’s for sure. However, The Rock has stated in interviews that he doesn’t plan on competing (he is the guest host, after all) and doesn’t have any interest in fighting Cena (despite calling him out). If that’s the case, Cena vs. Miz could still be on, with The Rock being added as the guest referee/special enforcer.

John Morrison: Up until The Rock returned, Morrison’s chances of winning this match weren’t that good. Despite the history he and Miz have, the WWE doesn’t seem intent on pulling the trigger quite yet, with Morrison’s last title shot taking place at Raw instead of the Royal Rumble being a good example. If they book Rock/Cena, though, the door is wide open for a Miz/Morrison title match. Those two would do their best to put on a great show/feud, all the while not having the pressure of selling the PPV themselves. As long as Rock/Cena is booked, the rest of the Mania card could be a 3 hour Tea Party with the WWE locker room and the event would still make millions.

Randy Orton: A safe bet, considering he’s main evented Mania before, and has history with The Miz. His feud with CM Punk will cause a distraction, though, most likely preventing a victory. Then again, the Cena/Punk feud has kind of been dropped, so I wouldn’t be too surprised to see it happen here, as well.

CM Punk: Has a feud with Randy Orton in progress and is a heel, meaning Miz vs. Punk is most likely not happening.

King Sheamus: Heel vs. heel won’t happen; has a ready-made feud with Triple H if he returns; if not, will face either Mark Henry or The Great Khali (as terrible as those two matches would be).

R-Truth: I know I said that, if Rock/Cena were to happen, the rest of the card wouldn’t matter in order to sell the show. Even so, I can’t see R-Truth in the WWE title match at the biggest show of the year. He may be over, but he’s still a mid-carder at the moment.

Final Prediction: John Cena


WWE Championship: The Miz (champion) vs. Jerry Lawler

I don’t see Jerry Lawler defending the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania, though I can see him walking out of Elimination Chamber with the title. Whether it be as a thank you for all of his hard work or sympathy for his mother’s passing (my condolences go out to him and his family), I could see a day or week reign for The King. I’m not saying I’d like it, but it’s a possibility.

On the other hand, this could easily be happening to give Miz something to do between now and Wrestlemania, without having him fight in the Chamber. Considering his character is the sniveling champion who always sneaks his way to a victory, holding the gold up until Wrestlemania, without any road blocks, would only make him losing the title that much sweeter for the audience. Having him brag about beating a legend would only make it better.

Final Prediction: The Miz


Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio

Why this match isn’t for the Intercontinental Championship is beyond me. Outside of WWE wanting ADR to win, but keeping the title on Kingston, it doesn’t make a lick of sense for the gold to not be on the line. Del Rio already has a non-title victory over the champ. Why do it again for nothing? If he were to win the championship, that would make his World title match much more interesting, especially if it’s title for title. The last time we had one of those at Wrestlemania was at Wrestlemania VI, a whole 21 years ago. I say we’re due for another one.

Even if they didn’t want that to happen, they could always put the title on the line and have Kofi retain. It wouldn’t halt ADR’s push if it were via a roll-up or Alberto getting himself disqualified, a la Brock Lesnar vs. Rob Van Dam at Vengeance 2002. This could still very well happen, even without the title on the line. Still, it would be much more interesting if it were up for grabs.

Final Prediction: Alberto Del Rio


WWE Tag Team Championship: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov (champs) vs. Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel (The Corre)

How many times have we seen this match? It’s happened twice on PPV (Survivor Series and TLC) and numerous times on television. Hell, just last night on Smackdown the teams went toe(s)-to-toe(s), with the champions coming out on top. I’ve got nothing against either team (I like them both) and think they’ve had some mildly entertaining matches. But, I’d rather some new challengers face the champions.

Then again, there’s not many other teams in the WWE. Outside of the champions, The Corre and The Nexus, the other teams are random pairings on Superstars. Zack Ryder Primo are the only two who have been making an effort, yet WWE lets them go by unnoticed. There’s also The Usos, but nobody takes them as a threat.

Though it’d be good momentum for The Corre to have the tag team titles with them, I don’t see Koztino dropping them anytime soon. They’re massively over and don’t have much else to do. I don’t see them dropping the gold until Daniel Bryan and Derrick Bateman become an official team. That is if Bateman wins NXT Season 4 (I have my fingers crossed). Until them, I expect the gold to stay around the waists of Santino and Kozlov.

Final Prediction: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov

One last thing I’d like to do before wrapping this article up. I’ve always had fun in trying to predict the card order of the upcoming PPV. What I mean by this is to guess which order the matches will take place. It’s nothing important or special (which sums up this blog perfectly), but always fun to do. Since this is a prediction article, I figured it’d be a good idea to add it to the mix.

Card Order Prediction:

1. Elimination Chamber Match to Determine the #1 Contender for the WWE Championship: John Cena vs. John Morrison vs. Randy Orton vs. CM Punk vs. King Sheamus vs. R-Truth

2. WWE Tag Team Championship: Koztino vs. The Corre

3. Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio

4. WWE Championship: The Miz vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler

5. Elimination Chamber Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge vs. Wade Barrett vs. Kane vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Rey Mysterio vs. ???

Dana Carvey on Saturday Night Live (2/5/11)

Dana Carvey on SNL (2/5/11)



Sometimes I wish I was born ten years earlier. A lot of my interests are focused on relics from the 80’s, when I wasn’t even conceived yet, or the early 90’s, when I was but a wee little lad (also, my parents were leprechauns, apparently). A good example would be that the late 80’s-mid 90’s SNL is my favorite time series of the show, despite that I never watched those episodes when they aired (I have since been able to thanks to Netflix). My SNL days didn’t come until early the early Naughties (2000’s), when the likes of Will Ferrell and Jimmy Fallon were top players. Even so, the likes of Adam Sandler, Jon Lovitz, Kevin Nealon, Mike Meyers, Chris Farley, Norm MacDonald, David Spade, Phil Hartman, Al Franken, Jan Hooks, Chris Rock, Michael McKean, Janeane Garofalo, Molly Shannon and Tim Meadows (though the last two stayed on for awhile, giving me a chance to see them in my time) are amongst my favorites.

Oh, and Dana Carvey, of course. The man who was once labeled as the future of comedy, who has unfortunately since floundered since his departure. Not that he crashed and burned, as he had quite a few string of films in the 90’s, as well as his own show. The Naughties, however, haven’t seen much activity out of the once-revered SNL cast member, outside of “The Master of Disguise”. The less said about that film the better.


Just act like it never happened, Mr. Carvey.

This was most likely due to raising a family, which is admirable. He came out of the woodwork every now and then to host “Saturday Night Live”, including last night. February is starting off with a bang with the return of one of SNL’s most coveted cast members. He’s brought along a few friends for the ride.

Let’s start with the cold opening. I’m guessing it’ll be either a political jab or a Super Bowl skit. Normally, I’d lean towards the former, since SNL loves it’s political humor (more so now than ever). With the Super Bowl being the next night, I’m sticking with the latter. Here’s hoping it’ll be…


HOLY SHIT!!! WAYNE’S WORLD!!!

That’s right, folks! Dana Carvey brought along his good pal, Mike Myers, to reprise their roles as Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar. I still have both VHS copies of the two films, with the first one being played heavily throughout the years. Needless to say, seeing them opening an SNL episode in 2011 is surreal. With that being said, my prediction of a Super Bowl cold opening can still be accurate.

Nope! Wayne and Garth focus their attention on the upcoming Oscar Ceremony, which is right up my alley. They tear through the likes of “127 Hours”, “The King’s Speech”, “Toy Story 3” and “Black Swan”. Garth makes a remark about Natalie Portman, stating he’d like to “Mila her Kunis.” When did my friends start writing this show? The two also make cracks at hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway, with another boner joke regarding the latter (I’m not criticizing, by the way). They also have a running gag surrounding a lesser known nominee.


You can guess where this is going.

More boner jokes, more laughs from me. Screw you, I like toilet humor and juvenile jokes, when done right. This is one of those times. All the guys had to do to make me laugh was look into the camera and, with a deadpan expression, say, “Winter’s Bone”. It helped that they kept giving their predictions to the movie, despite not seeing it.

They eventually close the segment by predicting that “The Social Network” will win the Oscar for best picture. NOT! Their actual prediction is, “Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!” Wait a minute! That’s not even a candidate. Are you telling me this catchphrase is so damn good that it’s going to sweep the Oscars, despite not being nominated?


You sly dog, you!

Ignoring my lame attempt at comedy, the show officially opens with Dana Carvey’s monologue. He mentions that his two teenage sons are in the audience, doing an impression of the two on their reaction to him hosting. It’s basically the average ‘teens are embarrassed by their parents’ spiel, which isn’t going to help him win them over. He then proceeds to declare his tenure, cast and crew as the best of “Saturday Night Live”, breaking into song. When Andy Samberg comes out to challenge him on the accusation, an old friend comes to the rescue.


JON MOTHERFUCKIN’ LOVITZ!

First Mike Myers, now Jon Lovitz. Oh, Dana Carvey, you spoil us! The two finish the song and dance number, introduce Linkin Park as the musical guest and begin the show. The first sketch doesn’t involve Carvey, so I’ll skip it (sorry, Kenan Thompson).

What does Dana Carvey have in store for us? Will Wayne’s World be the only revived skit tonight, or will Carvey dust off another relic. Here’s hoping it’s not a Ross Perot or George Bush impression. Those were great, but are outdated now. Not that this would prevent Carvey from doing them. Did he or didn’t he? That is the question.


She kind of looks like Ross Perot.

Church Chat returns, with Church Lady lambasting today’s deviants! MTV takes a beating, with shows like “16 and Pregnant” and “Skins” being rightfully trashed. I got a kick out of “Skins” being referred to as ‘Sportscenter for Pedophiles’. Her first guests are The Kardashians, with Kim’s ass being the subject of ridicule (go figure). Out next is Snooki, with Bobby Moynihan once again portraying the Rat Queen to perfection. The third and final guest is…


I can hear you screaming in anger.

I’ve got nothing against Justin Bieber. His music isn’t my taste, but he hasn’t done anything to offend me. The closest was a news story of him snubbing his fans, but I believe that was proven to be false (that’s the paparazzi for you, folks). I may make jokes about him, but I hold nothing against the kid. He’s taken his love of music and became successful off of it. He’s living the American Dream, which, of course, leads to bashing and unfortunate threats. As for me, I say congratulations! Just don’t screw it up!

Here, however, I had a problem. Not so much with him (he did fine for what he was given), but the joke itself. Church Lady praises Justin for his clean-cut image, only to begin getting the hots for him. That’s right, Church Lady has a crush on Justin Bieber. If that wasn’t creepy enough, she talks to God, who claims that Bieber is his perfect creation. Thankfully, he talks her out of her urges and the two dance. At least it ended well.
Moving on, we get a spoof of all of the reality celebrity rehab shows. This one is of celebrities operating a hotline for teenagers, helping them with their problems. Dana Carvey reprised his Mickey Rooney impression and confuses the hell out of a caller.


Simple, but effective.

He’s outdone by Fred Armisen as Ice-T…



Who’s outdone by Abby Elliot as Anna Farris…



Who’s outdone by Jay Pharaoh as Eddie Murphy…



Who’s not outdone by anybody, because Jay Pharaoh is the best new cast member on SNL! I’d go so far as to claim him as the best current member overall, but Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis and Andy Samberg all give him a run for his money (though I do feel he’s eclipsed Samberg). I feel this man will be the future of SNL, as well as comedy. His impressions are fantastic, demeanor excellent and humor superb! He’s a lot like Dana Carvey, actually. Here’s hoping his post-SNL success is much better.

I’ll ignore Dana Carvey a little bit more, as Weekend Update is up next. I’d skip it, since Carvey isn’t featured (he’s the reason I’m writing this article, nothing against SNL). But, it is a focal point of the show, so a quick rundown is necessary. Seth Meyers makes a few jokes about Egypt and Charlie Sheen, with them being middling at best. Meyers can be funny, but his material (which he wrote) isn’t always the best. When it is, though, he can be hysterical!

His first guest is James Franco, performed by Paul Brittain. The impression is spot-on, with the joke being that Franco will do anything. Drive a cab, be a greeter, be a janitor, etc. He even tries to read the news, until Seth Meyers intervenes. It may sound dull, but I found it to be quite clever. Franco seems to never stop working, which is admirable but also questionable. I myself have made jokes on the topic.

The next guest is Angelo Dixon, a disco-star turned meteorologist. The joke goes over as well as Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem. Maybe it sounded good on paper (I highly doubt that), but it doesn’t work in reality. Kristen Wiig tries her best, but it simply doesn’t work. It also seems to drag on. Thankfully, Seth Meyers shortly wraps up Weekend Update. Not before we get his nightmare fuel…


Even in context, that’s frightening!

Now back to Dana Carvey! Wait, there’s one more skit not involving him. I’d skip over it, but it has a special guest from earlier. Justin Bieber! Were you expecting Jon Lovitz and/or Mike Myers? It’s a digital short spoofing the new movie, “The Roommate”, with Justin Bieber going to college and getting a new roommate. That roommate:


Good luck sleeping tonight.

I’ll give Justin Bieber credit. I may not have been fond of him on Church Chat (thought that wasn’t his fault), but he was aces here. He plays off Samberg’s wacky antics well, even delivering a few funny lines. My favorite is when his mother calls and asks him about his roommate. “I think he’s going to murder me.” I’m not saying he’s a terrific actor, but he played his part well last night.

Finally, we get back to Dana Carvey. After all this wait, we should be getting something good. Maybe another character revival. Even better, a new skit that delivers laughs. Maybe throw him into one of the current member’s running skits. I’d love to see the return of Vinny Vedecci, with Dana Carvey as his guest. What treat do we receive?


Dana Carvey and Kenan Thompson as 11-Year-Old Beauty Pageant hosts.

That could be pulled off. It may not sound great, but it’s got enough fuel to ignite a fire. Given that both Carvey and Thompson are involved, we can possibly get something special. What’s that, it’s just a stupid sketch that goes nowhere? Ah, crap! Too bad that the writers felt that dressing up the women as 11-Year-Old’s was going to be funny. Since that didn’t work, maybe Andy Samberg will.


Damn it, SNL! Why don’t you want me to sleep?

Dana Carvey gets back on the right track with his next, and final, skit. He, along with Fred Armisen, Bill Hader and Paul Brittain, are an alternative band performing at a bar before the Super Bowl. This may sound even worse than the above sketch, but it’s actually funny. The band is out of place, only getting the gig because of Dana’s brother-in-law (who’s the bartender). They also pick the worst time to perform, right as the Super Bowl is starting off. Also, they look like this:


The Black Eyed Peas have some stiff competition.

Thus ends Dana Carvey hosting Saturday Night Live. It was a mix of nostalgia, current trends and Justin Bieber. Sounds like your average Youtube video. It may not have been the greatest (the Jeff Bridges episode was superior), but I had a lot of fun. I was ecstatic to see Wayne’s World return and was surprised that Justin Bieber made me laugh, on purpose no less. Maybe Mike Myers and Jon Lovitz will get hosting duties in the near future. Here’s hoping so!

Killjoy 3 Review

Killjoy 3



It’s been awhile since I’ve seen the first two Killjoy films. Not since 2003, to be exact, when I first started getting into horror films. At that point, I had a weird scavenger hunt going on. Whilst catching up on the classics such as Psycho and Frankenstein, I had a fascination in the outlandish. Anything involving killer dolls or evil clowns automatically grabbed my attention. Once I seen the Double Feature DVD of the Killjoy flicks, I snatched it up!

The only thing I remember about the films (outside of Killjoy, of course) is that I hated them! I know I found them boring and groan inducing, but can’t quite remember what made them so. I assumed Killjoy himself was an annoying character and that all of the kills, the main selling point, were forgettable and lame. I know for a fact I was right on that last point, considering my predicament.

When I seen a third movie was made, I felt strangely compelled to watch it. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, as I seem to have a fetish for bad films. I’m drawn to them like flies on a rib roast. It’s like a car accident, that being you can’t look away.


I blame those rib-hungry flies for this.

After viewing Killjoy 3, I think I can come to a conclusion as to why I hated the first two. My assumptions were correct; Killjoy’s an annoying Pennywise clone, the kills are insubstantial and the script is filled to the rim with plot holes. John Lechago seems to make the rules up as he goes along, contradicting elements from earlier in the film. It leaves you begging questions as opposed to focusing on the story.


Did he write this rule book, as well?

Not that there’s much of a story here. Killjoy is a demon clown who can be summoned for revenge. All you have to pay him in return is your blood (which resurrects him) and a victim. Also, your soul is apart of the package, but it’s in the fine print that nobody reads. A professor (Darrow Igus) summons Bozo the Clown’s long lost brother, only to trick him and seal him inside a mirror. Why a mirror?


“Why not?”

In all actuality, he’s trapped in his realm. For reasons unknown, he’s able to drag victims into this world via a mirror. I wonder if Marsha Brady had this power. He can also hop into our world, but won’t capture his victim’s soul unless their in his playground. Don’t ask questions, just go with it. That’s what got me through this movie.


“Won’t you be my neighbor?”

Ten years after being imprisoned, his magical mirror appears on the porch of the Professor’s house. As luck would have it, he’s out of town and has put one of his students on house-sitting duty. Why any professor would allow a college student to watch over his house is beyond me. You’re basically giving them an invitation to throw a party.

Which is exactly what Erica (Olivia Dawn Yorke) and her friends, Rojer (Michael Rupnow), Sandy (Jessica Whitaker) and Zilla (Spiral Jackson), do. That’s right, one of the characters is named Zilla. No signs of this being a nickname, but being presented as his actual name. As for the question that I know is in your head, they do make Godzilla jokes.

Seems as if he didn’t take the God out of Godzilla, after all.

Despite a bad name, Zilla is a likable guy. You could argue that all four of the characters are likable, though I’d make an issue over Erica. The problem is none of them are given anything to work with. There’s no reason for us to care about them, as the dialogue they’re given makes them sound like idiots. I call this the standard slasher method. Create characters nobody cares about, that way nobody feels bad when they die. Even then, you have to have one protagonist who’s worth rooting for. Killjoy 3 has none.

To give you an example of the poor writing, all of the characters seem to know who Killjoy is, only to act as if they’ve never heard of him a few minutes later. After coming back from his first visit from Killjoy’s realm, Zilla mentions he’s seen Killjoy. Rojer acts shocked, only to question who the hell he is a few minutes later. This happens throughout the duration of the film, dragging the film down.

John Lechago seems to do this a lot with his script, adding meaningless conversations to keep the film moving. It’s as if the script was only ten pages long and he told the cast to improvise. The film feels it, as the only sequences that are given any effort are the wacky scenarios that take place in Killjoy’s realm. Clown boxing, human feast and clown on human erotica are all ideas that were floating around in Lechago’s head, all in need of substance.


Don’t you want to see this clown get it on?

If you’re wondering, Killjoy doesn’t partake in all of these practices (though he does nearly get his groove on). He has three henchman that helps him do his bidding. Punchy the Clown (Al Burke), whose duties should be clear; Freakshow (Tai Chan Ngo), a clown who has a clown baby attached to him; and Batty Boop (Victoria De Mare), who serves as Killjoy’s girlfriend/assistant. Can you guess who she’s named after?


I always thought Betty Boop would make for a good psychotic clown.

None of them seem to serve much of a purpose, outside of adding more clowns to the mix. Punchy at least does his shtick during one sequence, while Freakshow seems to serve about as much purpose as Rob Schneider in an Adam Sandler comedy. Batty Boop fares the best, as she gets the most screen time. However, she never once swings a bat, deeming her name worthless. You’d think Lechago would at least follow up on that “clever” name.


They also serve as Killjoy’s news team.

Lechago never follows up on anything, really. He constantly sets up kill sequences, only to have the victims survive for another few minutes. Killjoy seems to take his sweet old time in offing his prey, which would be fine if he salivated in their fear. The fact that he keeps bitching that he wants to kill throws this theory out the window. If you want and need to kill, then do so when the opportunity appears. Stop pussyfooting around and get the job done already!

Killjoy 3 only lasts 78 minutes, but only 18 of those matter. The other hour is spent with Killjoy making dumb jokes, the protagonists acting dumb and the supporting clowns standing around waiting for something to do. Even the 18 minutes that actually accomplishes something and moves the story along is boring and convoluted. Once the credits rolled, I had a headache from all of the absurdity. Here’s hoping I forget about this one just like I did with the first two.

WWE Royal Rumble 2011 Recap

WWE Royal Rumble 2011 Recap



Ever have a wrestling show that, for the most part, is decent to mildly enjoyable, until the end? I don’t mean the ending ruined the show, but saved it. Fine, saved is a bad choice of word. Elevated it is more like it. It took a show that you enjoyed, but didn’t love and catapulted it into being worth your hard earned money. Royal Rumble 2011 is that PPV!

From the first match to the Rumble itself, this year’s Royal Rumble was a fine show, but nothing special. The first match came close to blowing it out of the water immediately, but understandably took the high road. The second match was good and made the right choice, though wasn’t anything we haven’t seen before. The third match was filler, doing it’s part (though it deserved better). The Royal Rumble match, the biggest one so far, was a mixed bag, until the end. More on that later, though.


World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (champion) def. Dolph Ziggler w/Vickie Guerrero

This was the perfect match to open the show! Both men worked their asses off to get the crowd on fire, eventually doing so. It took a little awhile, as the crowd seemed a bit dead in the beginning (a recurring problem throughout the night). For me, I was hooked from the opening bell.

Ziggler took it to Edge, pulling out everything he had in his arsenal. Same goes for The Rated R Superstar, who’s patented spear was banned from the match (thanks to current GM stand-in, Vickie Guerrero). As I said in my recap, this shouldn’t have been a problem, as Edge had many other signature maneuvers to put away Ziggler.

Though they didn’t put the challenger away, they sure as hell weakened him down. Both the Edgecution and Edgucator were utilized, with the Edgecution nearly winning it. He folded Ziggler up like an accordion, pounding away at his midsection to inflict more damage. Luckily for Dolph, he was able to get to the ropes for the break.

Shortly after, he dished out his fameasser (which was at one point reversed into a power bomb) and sleeper hold, with the latter coming very close to putting away the champion. It’s nice to see submissions being used well tonight. Once that didn’t work, Vickie inserted herself into the match, distracting Edge. Kelly Kelly randomly came out and attacked Vickie, which makes me wonder why she’d chastise Drew McIntyre for doing it to Trent Baretta, but duplicating the actions herself. What a hypocrite!

Anyway, this distraction led to the Zig Zag. For a split second, it seemed as if Ziggler was going to win the World title. Unfortunately for him, Edge kicked out right before the three. Dolph retaliated by once again locking in the sleeper hold. Edge once again seemed out of it, only to pull through and hoist Ziggler onto his shoulders, giving him a piggyback ride. In the midst of this, he inadvertently clocked the referee.

Being the Ultimate Opportunist, he took advantage of this and nailed the Spear. Instead of immediately going for the cover, he feigned injury while the ref revived. Once he was back to his feet, Edge slowly but surely picked Dolph off the mat and hit his buddy Christian’s finisher, the Killswitch, and got the victory.

Final Thoughts: A damn good match and a great way to kick off the show! Here’s hoping Ziggler doesn’t move back down the card.


WWE Championship: The Miz (champion) w/Alex Riley def. Randy Orton

I’ll be honest with you folks. I didn’t watch this entire match. It’s not because I wasn’t interested in it. On the contrary, I was excited to see this match. My fear of Orton winning back the title made me more anxious for it than I should have been, especially considering I’m still scorned over the fact that Morrison wasn’t challenging him instead. The reason being is that my dog had to use the bathroom, and took forever to do so. I had a fear this was going to happen.

I was able to stand by the door and listen in on the match. My buddies also fed me the happenings (whilst screwing with me), which helped out majorly. I only missed the first few minutes, which seemed like the standard routine. Orton beats on Miz, Riley interferes, Miz gets some offense in, Randy retaliates, etc.

Once I came back in, the match played out exactly as I thought. They simply rewashed the same method from earlier. Orton beating on Miz, Riley interferes, Miz gets some offense in, Randy retaliates, etc. Orton seemed destined to win until the New Nexus showed up. David Otunga, Michael McGillicutty, Husky Harris and Mason Ryan stood outside the ring, staring intently at Orton. Riley once again interfered, but had it backfire and was sent flying into the Nexus.

Miz struck from behind, but Orton dodged a Skull Crushing Finale and nailed the RKO. Before he could go for the cover, CM Punk hit the ring and knocked him out with the GTS (the ref was distracted on the outside). He dragged Miz on top of his prone body, giving him the victory. They never explained it (maybe on Raw tomorrow night), but I think the plan was simple. Have the “beatable” champion retain and have an easier opponent to face at Wrestlemania.

Final Thoughts: Your average Miz/Orton match. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as the two gel well together. Problem is we’ve seen it over and over again the past few weeks, making this match redundant and stale. Still viewable, though.


WWE Diva’s Championship: Eve Torres def. Natalya (champion), Michelle McCool & Layla

Disregard the picture above. Before the contest began, the RAW GM changed the match to a Fatal Four Way and randomly inserted Eve Torres into the mix (despite not really having a reason to be in it, outside of being a former champion). I could have found a picture from WWE.com, but opted to stick with the original one I had. Why? To save time. Besides, this match didn’t really matter, outside of the title change.

Which is a shame, as all four competitors are great athletes and deserved much better. I preferred this over another 2-on-1 Handicap match, but felt it was too confusing. Not the rules, mind you, but Eve Torres inclusion. I was expecting a debuting Awesome Kong, especially since Cole only stated “…this following Diva.”

The match itself left a lot to be desired as well. Laycool teamed up against Eve and Natalya, all the while showing some tension in the group. Not enough to boil over, as they worked together for the duration of the match. The finish came when Eve hit a moonsault on Layla and got the victory. However, McCool had Natalya rolled up on the other side of the ring, which the ref didn’t see. I thought she made her pinfall first, meaning a restart of controversy would surface. Upon the replay and my friends’ input, it was clear that Eve got her pinfall first. Therefore, that theory has been thrown out the window.

Final Thoughts: The fact that my recap of the match was short is an indicator on how poorly this match was booked. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, considering this is the WWE’s women’s division, after all. It seemed as if they were making progress over the past few months, especially at TLC with the first ever Divas Tables Match. As it seems now, it was all for naught.


Royal Rumble Match: Alberto Del Rio wins, last eliminating Santino Marella

No, you didn’t read that wrong. The final two men in the Royal Rumble were Alberto Del Rio and Santino Marella. To be fair, it seemed as if the final two were Del Rio and Orton (who, just like Ziggler, slithered his way into this match), with Del Rio eliminating Orton and seemingly winning. However, Santino was never eliminated. He was simply knocked out cold on the outside, having gone under the ropes, not over them. Therefore, he was still in the match.

When he re-entered, he hit the Cobra on an unsuspecting Alberto Del Rio. He followed this up by celebrating as if he had already won the match, with me, my buddies and the crowd marking like crazy. I was pulling for Del Rio (he was one of my picks to win, after all), but couldn’t help but be ecstatic at the thought of Marella winning. Given the crowd’s response, it could have been pulled off well. Storyline wise, no, but reaction wise, yes.

This didn’t happen, as Del Rio tossed him over the top rope when Santino finally decided to discard of him. This didn’t tarnish Del Rio’s victory, even if he was only in for an upwards of ten minutes (if that). He entered at #38, slowly making his way to the ring (after driving his car out). Once in, he fought with the big names such as Cena, Mysterio, Kane and Barrett, before eliminating Orton. All in all, he looked fantastic!

Since you’ve been anxiously awaiting a full explanation of the mixed bag comment earlier, I’ll explain. It’s clear that Del Rio winning (and Santino almost pulling off an upset) was the saving grace. What it was saving, so to speak, is still a mystery. And yes, I’m purposely dragging this out to the next paragraph. Don’t like it, go ahead and sue me. Actually, please don’t. I have so very little!

The match started out fine, with Punk drawing #1 and a Corre member seemingly drawing #2. Instead, all four members jumped the ring, attacking the Straight Edge Savior. The rest of the New Nexus hit the ring and a huge brawl ensued. The Raw GM announced that none of the Corre or New Nexus members, outside of Punk, were legally in the match at the time. Therefore, they must head to the back or be ejected from the Rumble. Once they leave, we discover Daniel Bryan has drawn #2 (I was close).

A dream match in the WWE for many independent fans, these two started the match off well. They lasted for a good while, as the New Nexus started to pour into the ring. The likes of John Morrison and Mark Henry also came out, giving them competition. Eventually, they all eliminated their foes (sans Husky, who was eliminated earlier). I was pissed that Morrison was eliminated so early, as he was my top pick (we did get to see him use his Parkour to save himself from elimination at one point). It got worse, though.

I didn’t mind the New Nexus annihilating and quickly eliminating a few new entrants. People like Tyler Reks could take the beating for all I cared. I was actually enjoying this moment, but was fearing it was going to go on for too long. It didn’t quite hit that fear, but did step upon one I didn’t expect to happen.

Booker T returned as a surprise entrant (possibly for one night only), only to be quickly be discarded by the New Nexus. He did get a lot of offense on them, including hitting his respective finishers (the Book End and Scissors Kick), as well as performing a Spin-a-rooni. After that, though, CM Punk and his comrades tossed him over, before the next entrant even came out. There was no reason to not have Booker last longer in the Rumble, especially given the huge pop he had received (and this was from a relatively quite crowd).

Out next to save the day was John Cena, who quickly dispatched of Mason Ryan, Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga. I’m not one to complain over this too much, but this bugged me. Why couldn’t Booker have stayed in to help him, or at least had eliminated McGillicutty or Otunga before being ejected? I was able to overlook this, as Punk and Cena went at it as the next entrant came out.

That man would be Hornswoggle. I’m not much of a fan of this guy, only laughing at a few of his routines. I will state that I loved his performance here, though, which is easily his best work to date. He hung around Cena and Kofi Kingston (who would come out shortly), mimicking their signature moves, as well as nailing his tadpole splash. For the most part, he kept to the side and watched in amazement.
In the midst of all of this, Cena easily dumped Punked shortly after Hornswoggle entered. He did it relatively easy, as well. Granted, Punk had been in since the beginning and Cena was an early twenty entrant (can’t remember the exact number, sorry). Punk has survived longer in other Rumbles and hadn’t taken too much damage, thanks to the New Nexus protecting him. Even then, my biggest gripe is that they didn’t drag the two dueling out. That’s essentially my only problem.

The match started to pick back up (after a few quick eliminations), with men like Sheamus and Jackson entering the match. Another huge surprise came in the form of Kevin Nash, who was donning his Diesel gimmick. That’s right, he entered as Big Daddy Cool, not himself. I’m not a big fan, but I admit I marked. Just like Booker T, he didn’t last long, though he did get in some good offense. Sheamus eliminated him after he and Barrett had continually gone at it. A possible match between the two if Taker can’t come back for Wrestlemania?

If you’re anxiously awaiting the return of Triple H, then you’re going to be disappointed. He never showed up, leaving his return to be at a Raw or the Elimination Chamber. That, or he doesn’t return at all, giving Sheamus the honor of being the man who retired the King of Kings. This would be a great rub for an already established Sheamus.

This basically sums up the Rumble match, sans one big moment. The Miz came down and did commentary for the match when his ally, Alex Riley, entered the Rumble. He stuck around long after his partner was eliminated, scouting his potential competition. He showed his true colors when he snuck into the ring and eliminated John Cena. I’m now convinced these two are facing off at Mania.

As for Orton and Punk, they can face each other. With Punk screwing Orton over, they have a vendetta on an already built-up feud (their history in 2008 and Orton’s altercations with Nexus). This became yet another reason why Punk’s elimination was a bad idea. Orton should have slithered his way in to eliminate Punk, then set his sights on winning the Rumble (though he never should have been entered in the first place). With Punk being long gone, his appearance seemed completely random, though I did think it was coming down to him and Orton at one point. Thankfully, that never happened.

Final Thoughts: Alberto Del Rio winning the Royal Rumble helped make this PPV much better than it had any right to be. That includes the Rumble, which had it’s share of ups and downs. The extra ten men elevated the excitement as well, making the match feel even more like an epic. I say stick with the 40-man shtick, as it’s highly entertaining. I was also glad to see the 90 second intervals stay intact, making the match longer and keeping the flow going.

As for the undercard, Edge/Ziggler is the only truly memorable match. Miz/Orton was decent at best, suffering from a routine set-up. The Fatal Four Way Women’s match was unfortunately lackluster, cementing it’s status as filler.

Still, the Royal Rumble, along with it’s huge winner, made this an entertaining event that’s on par, if not a bit better, than last year’s event.

WWE Royal Rumble 2011 Predictions

Royal Rumble 2011 Predictions



The Royal Rumble is my second favorite PPV of the year (with the first being Wrestlemania, of course). It’s the first stop on the Road to Wrestlemania, setting the tone for the event. The undercard title matches signal who will be going to ‘Mania as the champ (though the Elimination Chamber PPV has thrown a corkscrew in that theme). The main attraction, the Royal Rumble match itself, determines who goes to main event Wrestlemania and challenge for either the World or WWE Championship. It’s one of the most exciting nights of the year, coincidentally being in the first month. It sets the tone for the year.

This year, the tone is off the charts, as the stakes have been raised. For over twenty years, thirty men entered the Royal Rumble match. This year, an extra ten have been added, bringing the grand total to forty men (for those who aren’t good at simple math). This will no doubt be the longest Royal Rumble match in history (unless they change the time intervals), as well as being the biggest. Whoever wins will etch their name in history as the first person to win a forty man Rumble, which could make an up and coming superstar.

I’ve decided to throw in my picks this year, not just for the Rumble match, but the undercard contests as well. This year, the Rumble match is hard to predict, as a slew of wrestlers stand a good chance of winning it. I could say the same for the undercard matches, with each being unpredictable. That includes a certain one that seems to be a safe bet. More on that later, though.


WWE Diva’s Championship Handicap Match: Natalya (champion) vs. Lay cool (Layla & Michelle McCool)

How many times have we seen this match on PPV? I understand that Laycool have a rematch clause to use (though I hate the fact that former champions get an automatic rematch, though that’s a topic for another day), but it didn’t have to take place at the Royal Rumble. They could have had this take place on an episode of Smackdown and given Melina the title shot at the Rumble. I know her heel turn hasn’t been built well, but the match was a guaranteed showcase (which it was).

Instead, we’re stuck with another chapter in the Laycool saga. Why didn’t I refer to it as the Natalya/Laycool saga? Simply put, Laycool is the women’s division right now. Though there’s more women in the division (as evident by the champion not being named Layla or Michelle McCool), WWE seems intent on keeping these two as the focal point. Whether they’re feuding with Mickie James, Beth Phoenix or Natalya, the result is always the same: they come out on top.

Even when they lose, they seem to sneak their way back into title contention and steal the title again. I know this is the job of the heel, which I’m perfectly fine with. What I’m not okay with is it happening to each and every one of their challengers. I know Beth Phoenix came down with an injury and Mickie James was supposedly being punished (the Piggie James storyline was punishment enough, in my opinion). However, that doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s continually happening and shows no signs of stopping.

I’m hoping that if this is the case, they only win thanks to an interfering/debuting Awesome Kong. Since she’ll most likely debut as a heel (just like she did in TNA), it would make sense for her to be a hired bodyguard for Laycool. After all, they’ve been having their asses handed to them the past few weeks. A little protection wouldn’t hurt.

Another plus to this happening would be building towards a Beth Phoenix/Awesome Kong showdown at Wrestlemania. This is bound to happen eventually and would be a perfect fit for the biggest show of the year. As to where this leaves Natalya, I say have Awesome Kong take her out of action at Elimination Chamber, setting Beth Phoenix up for the save and eventual retribution.
This is the only way I want Laycool to win. If this doesn’t happen, then there’s no reason for them to win the title back. Natalya is doing a fine job as the champ and has fan support behind her. If they decide to hold off on Kong until after Wrestlemania, then I say build towards a Natalya/Phoenix match at Wrestlemania. Please, just leave Laycool out of it.

Final Prediction: Laycool wins (unfortunately)


World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler

This was the match I was referring to earlier regarding a safe bet. The common man would pick Edge as the victor, as would I. Dolph Ziggler, at this point, is the perennial Royal Rumble title challenger. A wrestler who isn’t quite at the level of World champion, but has since graduated to the upper midcard. This is the WWE’s way of flirting said superstar with the main event and seeing if they can hold their won. They’ve done it in the past with Razor Ramon, Hardcore Holly, Mark Henry, Mr. Kennedy, Umaga and Jeff Hardy, just to name a few. I know only Hardy went on to finally win the big one. However, that’s only because the other superstars fell wayside due to personal complications.

Razor Ramon left for WCW (though I still feel he deserved a WWE title reign before that); Mark Henry has floundered due to his limitations (though he did win the ECW Championship); Mr. Kennedy had a slew of injuries and personal problems that held him back; Umaga unfortunately passed. As for Hardcore Holly, he never deserved that championship match anyway.

Dolph Ziggler is different. Though I don’t see him winning the title at the Royal Rumble, I do see him being champ by year’s end. He’s an over heel with a tremendous repertoire and can sell any move perfectly. For those who have been relating him to Mr. Perfect, that pun was intended. Also, I agree with that comparison. He stands a great chance of holding gold in the WWE and possibly being one of the next big main eventers (even with the name).

I just don’t see it happening now. Not that it’s an impossibility. With Vickie Guerrero in his corner (and acting as GM while Teddy Long is out), it’s very likely he could walk out of Boston with the gold around his waste. I can easily see Vickie pulling all sorts of shenanigans to ensure her man walks away as champion. She’s already banned the Spear and seemingly has The Corre at her disposal. Add in that she could continually restart the match whenever Edge wins and there’s a damn good chance Ziggler can win.

Even so, pulling the trigger on Ziggler now isn’t smart. Though he’s over as a heel, he’s not quite main event level yet. This wouldn’t be so much of a problem if this were taking place in the summer. It’s not, however, but taking place two months before Wrestlemania. I just don’t see Ziggler walking into Mania as World Heavyweight Champion. I can’t even see him involved in the title match, unless it’s a multi-man match.

Even without the Spear, Edge has a slew of signatures and finishers he can use to put Ziggler away. The Edgucator and Edgecution quickly come to mind. Hell, he could hit the Spear when both the referee and Vickie Guerrero aren’t looking, stealing the victory. It is Edge’s style, after all. No matter what hurdles stand before him, I see Edge seizing an opportunity and retaining his title.

Final Prediction: Edge


WWE Championship: The Miz (champion) vs. Randy Orton

I really want to be able to say, without a doubt, that The Miz is walking out of Boston as WWE Champion. There’s no reason in my mind that he can’t hold the gold until Wrestlemania, or Elimination Chamber at the least. He’s one of the most hated heels in the WWE today, which makes for a great champion. Especially for Wrestlemania, as people will order the event to see the sniveling weasel finally get his comeuppance. With this being said, I should easily be able to say he’s walking away as champ.

It was much easier to say this when I thought John Morrison would be facing him, not Randy Orton. It seemed ideal, as Morrison had won a #1 Contender’s Ladder match against Sheamus last month at TLC. That would entail that he’d challenge for the gold at the Royal Rumble. Instead, he “cashes in” on the first Raw of the year, losing in valiant effort in a brutal Falls Count Anywhere match. Though this didn’t drop his stock, it didn’t help either. The same goes for his former partner.

Had Miz been facing Morrison at the Rumble, there would have been no doubt he’d walk away as champion. Not that Morrison isn’t ready to hold the gold (he most certainly is), but that Miz isn’t ready to drop the title. Morrison would have been a stepping stone in his legacy, with the Shaman of Sexy eventually getting his day of glory down the line.

With Randy Orton once again challenging for the title, I’m weary of Miz’s chances. For starters, there’s no reason for Orton to be challenging for the gold unless WWE has decided to rectify a misfire in their eyes. I know Miz hasn’t cleanly beaten him, but that’s kind of the point. He’s supposed to sneak his way to victory over a slew of faces, before the hero comes to save the day. Orton is not that person, at least not in this feud.

John Cena should be that person. To me, Cena/Miz is a money match at Mania. Both have mainstream appeal, one’s the most beloved in the company, the other the most hated. The feud writes itself. Still, I can see WWE dropping the ball and making Cena/Orton the main event. At the very least, having somebody else challenging Orton.

Add in the fact that Jerry Lawler has randomly inserted himself into this feud, all signs point towards an Orton title win. Unless Lawler is going to face Miz for the gold at Elimination Chamber, there’s no reason for the two to face off with the gold on the line, especially at Wrestlemania. Which is what I think they’re building towards, sadly. A career threatening match, with Lawler’s career on the line and no title up for grabs.

As much as I fear this, my prediction of Cena/Miz seems to be happening. For the past two weeks, the two have engaged in verbal battles, with Cena constantly putting Miz down as a Mania headliner. With him repeatedly stating “You can’t sell a Wrestlemania”, this leads me to believe that Miz will want to prove himself worthy. In the weeks leading up to the “Granddaddy of Them All”, he’d constantly take out Cena and any other wrestler in his path, proving he deserves his spot. In retaliation, Cena does his best to disprove of this theory.

I really hope this is what they’re building towards.

Final Prediction: The Miz


40-Man Royal Rumble Match

Instead of running down each and every competitor, I’m going to take my top five picks to win this year and explain why I’ve chosen them. The list will be in order from most likely to slight possibility.

1. John Morrison:
I’ve been contemplating on having Morrison as my top pick or not. There are a few other guys in the Rumble that stand a better chance at winning, which should shove Morrison down a few spots. However, I have a strong feeling he’s coming out on top.

For starters, the fact his title match was on Raw makes me believe they’ve changed their mind and would rather have him win the Rumble and headline Mania, as opposed to losing in the WWE Title match. Granted, he had to lose his title match anyway, but that was on Raw. This way, he’d be in the Rumble (without any shenanigans) and win the whole gang. Adding an extra ten this year would put him on the map.

The only problem with this prediction is that the only feasible match would be against The Miz. I don’t see him challenging Edge (or possibly Ziggler), since he doesn’t have as much of a past with those two that he does with The Miz. If they decide to do this, but don’t want it closing the show, they could have Cena or Orton jump ship to Smackdown and challenge for the World title. Edge/Orton finally happening at a Mania would be pretty cool actually.

2. John Cena:
This seems to be a lot of people’s prediction for the winner, and I don’t blame them. He’s got a lot going for him. He’s the top face in the company; he’s in Boston, which is near his home; he has a ready made feud with both Miz and Punk (as well as Edge); he’s one it before; he’s John freaking Cena! No explanation other than that is really necessary.

3. CM Punk
Another hot prediction is the leader of the New Nexus. Having four men (David Otunga, Husky Harris, Michael McGillicutty and Mason Ryan) at his aid, he stands a damn good chance of winning the whole thing. It’d be reminiscent of Orton’s victory two years ago, where he used Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase (Jr.) to his benefit. Add in a ready made feud with Cena (and an intriguing one with Edge), his chances are as high as they’ll ever be (which is funny, since he never is high).

4. Alberto Del Rio
An out of left field prediction, considering he’s still new to the WWE (though he’s a seasoned veteran in the sport). He has been in the main event since his debut, though, feuding with the likes of Rey Mysterio and Christian, as well as teasing a feud with Edge. That being the case, he could find himself outlasting thirty-nine other superstars and furthering that feud. Knowing I’m not the only one thinking this makes me happy.

5. Sheamus
I expect most of you to have your jaws dropped to the floor right now. Considering Triple H’s return is inevitable, the idea of Sheamus winning the Rumble this year is crazy. Most expect HHH to return in the Rumble and eliminate the Celtic Warrior, possibly taking himself out in the process. Though I see that as a huge possibility, I do see another case happening.

Triple H doesn’t return at the Rumble. Sheamus wins it. Triple H returns the next night and is entered into the Elimination Chamber. He wins the WWE Championship, then goads Sheamus into using his title match against him (just like he did to Orton two years ago). This would most likely mean Sheamus would lose, though that’s been happening to the Royal Rumble winner the past few years anyway.

Other Royal Rumble Match predictions:

First two entrants: Daniel Bryan (#1) and David Otunga (#2)

Final Entrant (#40): Mason Ryan

Iron Man: Daniel Bryan

Most Eliminations: Sheamus

Quickest Elimination: Darren Young

Most Consecutive Eliminations: Kane

Here’s hoping my predictions are right. Tune in tomorrow night and find out! Thanks for reading!

Skins Review

Skins Review

By now, you’ve all heard of the controversy surrounding MTV’s newest show, “Skins”. No, not that it’s another remake of a UK show. You’ve heard the hoopla that the Parents Television Council have stirred up. They’ve labeled it the most dangerous show for teens, stating the teenage characters partaking in drugs, sex and alcohol as the reason(s).


The lack of Rock & Roll is the true crime here!

Though their heads might be in the right place, their agenda isn’t. By labeling “Skins” the most dangerous show for teens, it’s giving the program the much needed publicity it wants and needs. If the PTC doesn’t want teenagers viewing the program, they should have kept their traps shut. By doing so, there’s a good chance a lot of teenagers would have passed on the show or possibly haven’t heard of it. Once you tell them they can’t watch it, they’ll do so, even if the show is crap.


Why do you think this show is so popular?

If you need even more proof to this theory, this review should do the trick. I wouldn’t have given this show the time of day if it weren’t for the controversy surrounding it. Curiosity got the best of me, so I actually allowed MTV to enter my life for once. Thankfully, it was only for forty-five minutes (which was still too long). So, take off your shirt and bare your skin, because that’s the best pun I can come up with.


That warning is to shy you away from watching a terrible show.

The show starts off with what looks to be a drugged-up teenager walking barefoot in the road. Sounds like the opening of a slasher flick, not a teen dramedy. She signals for her brother, Tony, to cause a distraction so she can sneak into her house. He does so, but not before taking a peek at the next door neighbor’s hooters (she was flaunting it, though).

Once he’s finished, he blasts his music, causing his father to storm into his room. In the midst of the two arguing over the music (which is still blaring), his sister (whose name I never caught, not that it matters) sneaks into her room, with her parents being none the wiser. Tony’s dad storms off, while he sports a shit-eating grin. Speaking of shit, he then prevents his father from doing so by locking the bathroom door and sneaking out the window. This sounds like the beginning of an 80’s high school comedy.


“Bastards are stealing my material!”

After he ditches his house, he calls up all of his buddies to set up a party. This isn’t your average party, though. They’ll be booze, drugs and scantily clad women. Scratch that, this is a normal party. The reason he’s throwing this shindig is to get his friend, Stanley, laid. Why? He’s turning 17 and it’s a crime he’s not laid yet. Oh, peer pressure, how I miss you! By the way, here’s Stanley:


The pure definition of sex appeal.

Though he’s no catch, I could see him easily getting laid. Give him a stoner gimmick and he’s good to go. Not that I’m promoting this, just pointing out a character possibility. It’s not as if Tony is a catch, either.


It’s as if they took Penn Badgley, stripped him of his good looks and made him an idiot.

Of course, he’s designated as the hottest guy in school, which makes me fear for what the football team looks like. He’s also not appealing or funny in the least. He’s a crude and annoying teenager who spouts off swear words and sexual innuendo as if it makes him cool. I may do so as well, but I know I’m not cool (that and I do it out of mere habit). He has the personality of a brick.


Not that Brick, though he does deserve his own show.

He has a hot girlfriend named Michelle, who Stanley has a crush on. Bet you didn’t see that coming. He teases his friend that he’s hooking him up with her, but is actually lining him up with Cadie. She’s addicted to drugs and is certifiably insane. And I’m not saying that for the hell of it. The show does it’s best to drive it into our brain that she’s insane. She plays with knives, for crying out loud!


That, or she has a fetish for them.

We get a glimpse of character development in both Stanley and Cadie when the two meet. But, the show shoves that under the rug for the sake of more sexual innuendo. Hooray, innuendo! We quickly shuffle towards the party, but are greeted to Stanley buying drugs from a crazy drug dealer named La Dong. If that’s not bad enough, he has a PHD; pretty huge dick. I’m convinced this show was written by a 13 year-old.

Once he buys the drugs (well, he’s loaned them), he sets sail to the party. Once there, we’re greeted to the standard teenage party fare that has been present in most high school/college comedies since the dawn of time. Drugs, alcohol, sex, loud music, lesbians, horny teens and a brawl for all.


Looks like filming has begun for the direct-to-video sequel to “Superbad”.

Cadie gets whacked out of her mind, which is what Tony and Stanley had planned all along. Neither she nor Stanley can go through with the act, though, because he’s in love with Michelle. Even if he weren’t, Cadie passes out, preventing any snu snu from occurring. Well, it could have actually happened, but the show thankfully has some decency. Worried about her, Stanley and the gang steal a car and head for the hospital.


So much for decency.

Just as they get to the hospital, Cadie wakes up out of her drug-induced stupor. They park the stolen vehicle behind the hospital, let Cadie take a piss and light up some blunts. Like an idiot, Tony puts the car in drive and sends the gang into the river, sans Cadie. They somehow survive, prompting Cadie to state, “You’re alive. That’s cool… I guess.” You guess? When was there any doubt that your friends (as terrible as they are) being alive was a bad thing?


This is what happens when you let Nick Nolte drive.

The show closes with the gang all returning home to safety, presumably setting up for another episode of wacky shenanigans. Though I can see some alarming subject matter in the show, I don’t think there’s anything for the PTC to get up in arms about. After all, most of this has been done countless times in movies and television in the past. Even the High School aspect has been done before, leaving “Skins” to feel like a limp carbon copy. The only thing offensive about the show is it’s poor quality.

However, if there are any parents out there objecting to this show, here’s a simple solution: prevent your children from watching it! As a parent, it is your job to dictate what is right and wrong for your child to watch. If you feel “Skins” will ruin their minds, then simply slap the parental lock onto it. That’s what it’s there for.

As for you teens out there, I recommend you watch “Degrassi” and/or “The Inbetweeners” as opposed to this. Both deal with the same subject matter, but handle it much better. “Degrassi” actually has talent on board and handles the dilemmas well. The acting is good, the writing is superb and there are lessons to be learned. “The Inbetweeners” is “Skins” if it were funny and had characters that are likable. Since it’s a UK show, though, I have a feeling you’ll skip it. Oh well, your loss!

Oh, and before I finish, I’d like to leave you all with this image:


I can hear the fan-fiction being written already!