A mandroid, a mercenary, a ninja, a scientist, a mad scientist, rednecks, cavemen, roman gladiators and the southern version of Boris & Natasha all walk onto a movie set. They are given no script, simply told to ad-lib at will, as their dialogue won't matter at the end of the day. The dialogue is like the points on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" They don't matter, but they make everybody feel a bit better. The only difference here is that "Whose Line..." involves actual talent, while "Eliminators" seemingly hired those standing in line at the DMV.
Maybe if they hired actual actors, this film would have been better. At the very least, I could of given a damn about the Mandroid. Patrick Reynolds doesn't emote his lines, instead reading them in a monotonous dialect. This works well for the robot aspect of his character, but not the human underneath (who is never given a name). Mr. Nameless was involved in a plane crash in the beginning of the film, which results in his death. He is resurrected by Abbott Reeves (Roy Dotrice), a mad scientist who's creating a time machine in order to rule the Roman Empire. It makes about as much sense as Fred Figglehorn's success.
The Mandroid escapes his wrath by taking out his minions and embarking out to safety. He doesn't do this by simply walking and taking names. No, no, no. He has his own ride to escort him out. Not just any ride, mind you. It's a souped up mega-scooter!
Admit it, you're jealous!
It should be noted that the Mandroid doesn't look intimidating or unique. I'd be more threatened by Chris Tucker than this guy! Sure, he has the laser beams and torpedoes to blow my ass away. However, he doesn't stand out as a tough guy. He looks more like a homeless man who scoured the junkyard for equipment to become a cyborg.
This would have been ten times better!
He enlists the help of Nora Hunter (Denise Crosby), a sane scientist who has her own mini-robot. He's a lot like RD-D2, except for the fact that he serves no purpose. Fine, so maybe he's a lot like R2-D2. At least he was interesting and sold a lot of merchandise. The Mandroid is able to convince the robot and his mother to help him locate his fallen plane for... I guess evidence, by killing her colleagues and destroying her office. I might add he never once threatens her, calmly asking for her help. Maybe he should be in therapy, instead.
Once they become partners, they become entangled in a feud with both Reeves' hired goons and their tour guide, Harry Fontana's (Andrew Prine), colleagues/slash enemies. They also run into cavemen in the jungle, for absolutely no apparent reason. Oh, and a ninja by the name of Kuji (Conan Lee) is also camping out in the jungle and saves the day. It's as if the filmmakers grabbed random people off the sidewalk and asked them to be in their movie.
The new casting couch.
Not that any of these characters even matter. They’re simply placeholders for action sequences and futurist weapons. Before you start making Michael Bay jokes, you have to stop and acknowledge the fact that, while a terrible director, he can create an effective action sequence. “Bad Boys”, “Transformers” and “The Rock” were filled with exciting action scenes. “Eliminators” has next to none.
“Armageddon” still sucks, though!
Most of the action sequences in “Eliminators” are largely forgettable. I’m only a few hours removed from my screening and I can’t remember most of them. One, however, does stick out in my mind, for the pure hilarity of it. While escorting the Mandroid and Nora to their destination, Fontana’s colleagues/enemies chase him throughout his trip. They pull out guns and try to blow him to smithereens, but miss because they’re villains (you can shoot the beer bottle next to his head, but not him? What the hell?!?). He himself isn’t handy with a gun, but is rather ingenious when it comes to disposing of his enemies.
For his first stunt, he throws a barrel full of explosives off his boat (why he had one lying around is beyond me), waits for his target to come near, shoots the barrel and kills them in a fiery blaze. Actually, they jump out just in time, but it was still a cool visual. Next, he tricks the two rednecks not once, but twice. Why I’m surprised by this is puzzling.
Smarter than they appear?
First, he tricks them into paying him for not only his gun, but the whereabouts of his clients. Once the exchange has been made, he douses them with a fire extinguisher. He then teases them down to a cape and pretends to be stuck. Once they charge for him (and I mean that literally), he cuts his line and sails away. This results in the rednecks flipping over the cape, causing them to go careening into the ocean. Then, their boat explodes for no apparent reason.
Causes explosions, apparently.
When this is the best scene(s) in your movie, then you know you have problems. Granted, you know you have problems when your main character and selling point, the Mandroid, looks like this:
I told you Chris Tucker was more intimidating.
Final Rating: 1 Piss-Poor, Mega-Scooter Mandroid out of five even more random characters.
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